Having red-lined your body at the individual physical proficiency test (and earning an additional $100 and $47 make-up pay to add on to the $247 last week), nothing beats some black coffee and food to replenish the energy lost. As fate would have it, you have seen J in passing at the past 2 weeks at the school canteen.  

The flashbacks it triggered were bittersweet. It's been ingrained in you to pack black coffee and, if you managed to fight off the sleep demons, make an extra set of breakfast before picking her up for work. Be it commuting to work, torturing the body through exercises or just simply chilling out, these are the little moments which you always cherished. 

You wonder she had the same flashbacks when she saw you too. 

Indeed, the greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it's over. And the truth only means something when it's hard to admit.

While you have been on few dates, courtesy of friends who decided to take things into their own hands, something remains missing. Somehow or rather, you feel that the missing jigsaw lies in the ability to connect.

Even though some may challenge the notion that chemistry takes time to build up through multiple dates with the same person, you think you know yourself best. One can call you a hopeless romantic, but sometimes all it takes is just that one random encounter to find that special someone. 

You will know that you have found that someone when she is on the same wave-length as you in the language, values and character. But you have to be also cognisant that you don't bench-mark this unknown ONE with her. Everyone is unique in their own right and you shouldn't measure someone's love for you (if they do decide to take that leap of faith with you) with that same yard-stick.

As a good lady classmate whom you have known for almost 30 years (it's that long) once quipped, sometimes things happen for a reason. Perhaps its all pre-destined that the end of this special romance was meant to bring you to someone who will make it even more special. 

Yet, there are times when those memories come gushing back again. Those mesmerising eyes which speaks a different language at different times; of mystery, cheekiness, concern, anger and bliss which makes you understand her even more.

There you go again; delving into the past.

One should not dwell too much into the past.  You can’t be happy if you have regrets.

Work often gets bearable when you are over at the Corporate HQ. It's akin to a home-coming where the colleagues are like family to you. Besides catching up on the usual gossip work issues, you are able to gain insights into HHQ's thinking and strategic considerations.

Notwithstanding this, you were humbled by their recognition of your limited abilities by requesting for your participation in a talent development project team. By seeking one's voluntary participation instead of coercing, you have further learnt the art of human resource from the experts; the importance of making someone feel valued in order to commit their best.

After having survived the organisation for a year plus and comparing to the HQ, you have come to realise the antiquated mindset of your own business unit; a lack of ownership within the people and a lack of big picture mindset amongst the select members of the management. While you hope that the restructuring and business process review will lead to a more efficient organisation and removal of deadwood , you are already hearing feedback that some power-hungry HODs requesting for additional headcount due to the increasing workload.

Sometimes you can never understand the mindset of these group of people. With the perception of your industry and an ageing workforce, you are already facing an uphill task of recruitment, retention and increasing productivity. In order to do more with less, one has to utilise the power of technology to automate the work processes and create capacity for high-value tasks. Unfortunately, the use of technology literally comes with a hefty price; the high initial Capital Expenditure or CAPEX tends to put off the leadership despite the high productivity gains. 

Indeed, flying is much more easier than doing what you do these days.

Well, enough of the complaining. Perhaps you are in need of a holiday or a stay-cation to de-stress and decompress. But, what is these little stresses compared to those who are working their guts out and mugging for exams on top of managing the family commitments? Your thoughts drift to J as you wondered how she is coping given that her exams are just around the corner. But you know that everything is going to turn out fine for her as you always have had full confidence in her abilities. 

Such wondering and worrying is longer under your purview for there's a better person fulfilling this role. Sometimes you do wonder if she thinks of you along these lines too. Better not as her processing and emotional capacity can be better utilised for more important matters.

That familiar back view of her with him having breakfast before heading off to class. 

That familiar voice chatting with her classmates over lunch at the study area as you walked past to top off the bottle.

The breathing increases and the heart skips a beat when you recognized that view and that voice which once made your imperfect world perfect. The memories of a bygone era came gushing out of the abyss like the magma bursting out from the depths of Earth and you were brought back to those good times both of you once had. 

You hoped she hadn't noticed you for it would sure spoil her beautiful Saturday. You don't expect her to give you that "twinkle-in-the-eye" beautiful smile to acknowledge your existence. As hurtful as it may be, its better to be treated like 路人甲 or an invisible person in order to not to destroy her already blissful life.

But seeing her so happy is good enough for you. Indeed, she deserved better.    

You decided to head off to Penang after your exams to recharge, rejuvenate and refocus on your priorities in life. In fact, it has been planned a year ago and you had wanted to share this charming place with someone special back then.

Someone special.

But it won't happen anymore and you went off solo, just like many other trips you have been on. After a hiatus of 4 years, Penang has changed alot. It's as the UNESCO heritage site is struggling to strike a balance between the retaining the charm of the past while modernizing for the future. Many of the historic sites have been commercialize to an extent that it reminds you of Singapore's Arab street.

For someone who is sentimental about the past, it's kind of disappointing as you would prefer that the place stay as it is to remind the future generations of the real past. But that's how life is; you have to keep moving on without looking back. Furthermore, there's no point in staying in the past when others have moved on without you. You just have yourself to blame for disappointing and hurting her so deeply.

Coincidentally, today marks their first wedding anniversary. While you wonder how they would be celebrating this milestone, you hope that they are still as happy and loving as ever. It's nothing more you can ask, for her happiness is more important than yours, then, now and forever.

As you looked backed a year ago, you remembered watching the procession enter the checkpoint. It was your own day of infamy (if you have watched Pearl Harbour, you will understand what it meant). The devastation that followed worried many close friends as you struggled to cope with the loss. Despite, burying the pain beneath a mask of smiles, but they could see that you are hurting from the emotional outbursts.

No one would doubt your love for her, including the amount of depression you went through and it took a lot of from them to drag you out from the abyss you have felt. They cared a lot about you and they just wanted you to get back on your feet to be the hopelessly optimistic person that you once were. 

In fact, these few days of solitary travel have allowed you come to terms with it; to acknowledge that everything has been cast in stone and she is not going to come back to you anymore. The special memories you once shared are already history, to be remembered and reminisced on those nights when the stars are aligned. 

"要活的更高兴，活的更精彩" was what you have told a friend who is also coping with the same loss as you. Perhaps, that's why both of you were able to relate and help each other along the way. You will live as if tomorrow is going to be your last, live better than yesterday while looking to what the future may bring. 

Happy anniversary to you, J.

There will always be an addendum to a memory which caused so much grief and remind you why it still hurts. It has been the exact date to a year since you last watched her cross the border to her customary marriage. 

How has the one year been? Stable with nothing much to worry about less the financial aspects which every couple has to deal with? You won't know and will never know for everything is kept under wraps like the way she prefers it.

As for you, life has not changed much.  

A catch-up with friends after a long hiatus brought back many memories of the times spent in the mountains and how life since then has transformed each and everybody's life. But one thing that doesn't change was the times spent up in the mountains was something which everybody in the team treasured.

As the movie scenes traced the difficult route which you had once traversed through, you could not help but let out a quiet smile at the memories it brought back. The difficult journey, the breath-taking views, the quiet nights talking with J under the starlit night and the sleepless night she spent making sure you were still alive as you fought the effects of attitude sickness. 

Looking back at your own photos, you missed those times up in the mountains where everything was so simple and the view was all that kept you walking. It was also led on to something very beautiful, which you still treasure to this day. If only you can go back and start all over again, you would....and give her the security and assurance she needs.

You miss her so much....

如命懸十秒以內, 我想你在
如若忘掉你 呼吸不再
如突然害怕怯懦, 記得我在
如沒淪陷過, 不懂所愛
從未能遇上替代, 各種意外
誰倖存度過, 該懂怎愛

The recently concluded General Election has brought about surprising gains for the ruling party and major upsets for the opposition parties. Despite forecasts of lightning storms across the entire island, the promised blue skies have been masked behind the hazy smoke. As mentioned aptly by a colleague, for all the grumbles and complaints of your fellow countrymen, they would rather stay in their perceived comfort zone even when conditions have proven otherwise. Simply put, it's always better maintain the status quo than to rock the boat.

In the same vein, you can resonate with this statement. You are just like the Opposition party who, despite being able to bring value-added suggestions to the table, does not give the commoners enough confidence and track record to take that leap of faith. Despite having the differentiating factors, you are still cast aside.

But the signs were clear. You have already been downgraded in priority and devoid of many nuggets of her life. So despite being been prioritized out, why you are stubbornly hanging on to these memories and Hope when the one whom you cared so much has already moved on?  Perhaps your greatest fear is that J will forget you and the wonderful memories forged under unusual circumstances.You wonder if her moving on means that those memories which you both shared have been forgotten.

If you could, you would tell her those fears and reservations; that you are scared that you would be forgotten and what both of you once had. You are scared that she’ll forget all the things taught to each other. And you are scared that she’ll grow out of the woman she was when both of you were together — and into someone else entirely.

That's why you pen all these memories down in the cyberspace and in your notebook, hoping that these beautiful memories would be remembered even as you have passed on or suffer from the degenerative effects of dementia.

Memories.

The words which you want to say to her but couldn't.
The words which you want to say to her but doesn't make any more difference.
The words that's kept in the hearts, which no matter how unmistakable, are best left unspoken. 

Rainy mornings are best spent under the comfort of the sheets, cuddling with your significant other, savouring the coolness of the weather and watching rivulets of rain streaming down the window. To top it off, sipping a mug of steaming coffee with a hearty breakfast by the window after you have seen the world go by will round off the mornings when you feel lazy.

You often tell yourself that you can live like this forever, but indeed dreams can never be a reality if the practical needs are not fulfilled. By practical needs you do not mean having that significant other. It meant having your own dream house (which you finally have some capacity to conceptualise) and fitting it out to meet that dreams.

While the past prospects of having her as the co-owner has now been shattered, you still have to carry on with the journey. Yes, you do admit that 8 months on, you have dream of her too; the touch of her finger tracing along the outline of your face, that voice saying out your name, which always sounds so sweet. Coming from the lips of an angel, her words make the dull and grey morning so much brighter, one that never wants you to say goodbye.

Guess you have never really moved on, have you?

Well, time to head out for that hot,steaming coffee instead.

You chanced upon an online article titled: "The Pain Of Realizing Your ‘Forever’ Was Never Really Your Forever At All" recently. Even though poring deep into the books in preparation of your exams should be your key focus now, the title was catchy enough to distract you.

Like the writer, you still hold onto the idea that one day both of you would find each other and finally be ready to make it work, to start your lives together, to be happy. She changed your life. Whether for better or for worse is still to be decided and you won’t be able to decide until the fat lady sings. But you do know that you loved her deeply and the deeper you love, the more difficult and painful it will be to break yourself free of it.

As you continue to reconcile that there's no longer a forever, you try to change your way of thinking. While some may choose to hate the person that they once loved, you just don't have the heart to do that. So you do what you do best. You shut yourself away from the world of forever and focus your thoughts towards things that are tangible. 

And the deeper you love, the more focus you would need to bring yourself out. And it won't be easy, for the agony of pain has struck you countless times and will continue to do. Even now, the heart still skips a beat when you see her on the streets and you know that you have a long way to go. Does she feel the same way too, you wonder?

But why do you keep thinking about how she feels when she is no longer in your life? Such thoughts are what triggers your emotions and you just hope that by focusing, everything will be fine. You just have to keep fighting, to fight away the pain of forever, which you once believed in, in her and with her.

Coming to 6 months in a week's time and your heart still skips a beat. Somehow it goes to show how much she still means to you. Yet you have to act like 路人甲, impervious to anything even though the heart is screaming in agony. You do your best to stay invisible, hoping that you have not been spotted, that it wouldn't start another round of un-necessary arguments and cause any unhappiness. 

如果雲知道　想你的夜慢慢熬

每個思念過一秒　每次呼喊過一秒

只覺得生命不停燃燒

如果雲知道　逃不開糾纏的牢

每當心痛過一秒　每回哭醒過一秒

只剩下心在乞討　你不會知道

Perhaps, it's all predestined. That you have to take that very path just because you wanted to check out how the place has changed since the very last time you came with J. But it doesn't matter anymore, does it?

You were listening to music on the radio as you drove down your favorite road when the lyrics of this song caught your attention;

It's been a long day without you, my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from where we began

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

When I see you again...

While this song was made in tribute to Paul Walker, it has somewhat similar yet different connotations for you. The "friend" in part is the aircraft sitting at the tarmac, begging you to bring her up into the wild blue yonder and to flutter amongst the clouds like Peter Pan. Like what Leonardo Da Vinci once said; "For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

You have always wondered why love is always associated to the heart for when you lose love, you are heart-broken. But after reading that the human heart is a remarkable organ in that it is designed to pump continuously for 120 years without ever needing to be reminded, you know why. While it pumps more than 100000 times a day without stopping, funneling hundreds of gallons of fluids around the body, it derives no benefit from the blood it pumps, making it the most unselfish of all organs. In order to feed itself, it siphons from its own flow to feed itself.

In the same vine, Love is selfless for it is patient, it is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And most importantly, Love never fails.

But how do you tell someone that you still love her for once you start loving someone it's hard to stop?

That she is always on your mind and that your cold hand misses the warmth of hers like the hand that dare seizes the fire, that could twist the sinews of thy heart. 

So you look up at the heavens and whisper to the stars the things that you wish to tell her. That she is now as happy as she can be, ensconced in the warm embrace of a love she has believed in years ago. A love steeped in stability and security. A love which you could never replace. A love which you could never be.

But at least this special girl once loved you for a second and where you promised to make that second last a lifetime.

This special girl called J.

Nothing can take away these blues..
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling..
Nothing compares to you;

You;

Whom you share your fears with, 

Whom you share your joys with, 

Whom you share your lame jokes with,

Whom you look forward to when you open your eyes,

Whom you look forward to after a hard day of work,

Whom you spend the weekends away chilling,

Whom you train with,

Whom sees you at your worst, 

Whom sees your vulnerabilities,
And take you for who you are.

Just had to delete the text message which you wanted to send to J out of impulse. It won't serve any purpose other than making things complicated for her. No..she cannot know how much you miss her on nights like this, how you wish you could hold her in your arms and spend the night away, by the seaside chatting away while waiting for the sun to break over the eastern horizon. A simple breakfast of coffee with toast and soft-boiled eggs before heading back to your respective home for a shower and sleep the weekend away would conclude the tiring work week.

If both of you were married to each other, then it would be your own cozy abode, your own hotel-grade multi-thread sheets with fluffy pillows where you hug each other to sleep. Sometimes it's dreams of fantasy like this that keeps you alive. But both of you know. Only you are allowed to harbour thoughts of her, the "what-ifs" and the "why-nots". She cannot afford to have the luxury of doing all these for it's not right.

Oh well, such are the realities of life. Sorry J, but I really miss you.

Valentine's Day is the time of the year where commercial operators try to extort romancing couples with exorbitant prices. Unfortunately, it's also "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation for many. To you, it's never about celebrating it once a year just for the sake of it. Everyday can be a Valentine's Day if you put the time and effort in handling your relationship well. 

For a day like this, your ideal way of celebrating will see you waking up early and making her some breakfast. She will wake up with the aroma of coffee wafting through the air and then you will spend a quiet weekend staycation together. Of course, this is just phase 1 of your operation. The rest of the phases will be kept under wraps to have the element of surprise. Only the special ONE will experience the rest of the phases, when the time comes.

You remembered that last time this year, you made and shipped some home-made gifts from US to J. You also told yourself that you would hang on and make it back in time so you can celebrate the following year's V-day with her. Fast forward to this year. She is happily married and going to spend this special day with him. And she is definitely going to have a memorable day.

Happy Valentine's Day, J.

You are slowly adjusting to life without her and knowing that she is settling down to married life happily. That radiant smile which was once your strength is the testament to the fact that all is going well for her. What more can you ask for when all you need to know that she is happy? Some may say that it's silly to let people build their happiness at the expense of your sadness.

But you beg to differ.

Like what Robert A. Heinlein mentioned "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." If being sad can be used to exchange for her happiness, you would be more than willing to do it for sadness has always been a way of life for you. It's never too difficult to hide that sadness behind a mask of smiles and laughter. 

Only discerning eyes will be able to decipher a story of lost love, breached and battle-scarred armour and cherished memories behind those sad eyes. But never will you allow anyone to get that close to you, for to remove the armour is to allow yourself to be vulnerable again.

Well, enjoy your well-deserved break, J. You definitely need to spend some quality time with him after the hectic marriage preparations last year. Have fun and stay safe.   

Aren't you just glad that the weekend is here again? 

With the increased workload, you are mentally exhausted by the end of the day. The study and exercise plan which you have painstakingly developed has been thrown out of the window after just 3 weeks. Now you have to find a balance between studying and exercising. Guess the weekends which are solely for rest would have to be sacrificed for the studies. Sighz...

You have also been drinking quite frequently these few days for drinking has always been one of your preferred ways to cope with stress. You know that it's not good (for the health and pocket) but you just needed a drink after a long day. In fact, you had an impromptu catching up session with a good friend that just got back from an overseas posting. 

Over a couple of drinks, you somehow saw a reflection of yourself. You also realised that you aren't that brave after all. Today marks 2 months since she is married. Does she know how much you still feel for her now? The possibilities of what could had been; the aroma of coffee perking up her mornings, the warmth of her hand warming your cold lifeless one, the stress reducing hugs and walks by the beach at the end of a long day. No, she doesn't have to know about all these, for it's not of any significance to her anymore. No one will understand the struggles for they will think that you are such an idiot.

She has chosen the right path (and it's not you, which you have to constantly remind yourself) and the repercussions of back-tracking is too huge for her. Even though you yearn for her TLC at times of your peril, it's no longer appropriate. It's tough but you would rather keep everything to yourself than to let her worry about you. She has more than enough things to worry about and you are not her responsibility. If everything gets too tough for you to handle, you will just use this column as an outlet valve.

Over time, things will get better and one day your heart will stop skipping a beat like it still does when you see her on the streets. How long will that be, you have no idea. But for now, her happiness is the answer which you need that she has chosen the right One.

These few days have been an intense emotional ride for you. It was bad enough for you to break away from the study and exercise schedule for this week. You feel exhausted, alone and vulnerable. To mitigate these feelings, you are hitting the bottle to relax after a hard day of work. You know you have to control this monster for once it's fully unleashed, the repercussions can be severe.

Where you used to share your joys/sorrows/work frustrations with J and hug each other's stresses away, you can't and won't do it anymore. You prefer to hide behind the wall of smiles and not let anyone (including her) to worry about you and feel obliged to show concern. She is married and certain lines and boundaries have to be maintained to prevent any complications. Some may argue that even if one can't be lovers, they can always be friends (just like the 王晓明 赵薇 relationship she once shared with you). But sadly, you have never subscribed to the school of thought.

While some may suggest turning to your friends. But guys, being guys will hold back their feelings, bottle up the tears and try to bury everything within. Unlike guys, girls will have their best girlfriends rally and be there to cheer them up in a second. They would know what to say, when to listen, and how long to let the complain go on until they are extricated from that slump. With her, you can let down the walls and be vulnerable without being judged.
 
Sometimes you wonder why the chemistry and rapport between both of you are so excellent. Both of you never had the answer and perhaps never will. But one thing is sure. She saw through your wall of defences and got to the real you, the sensitive side of you and changed you for the better through all the shared experiences. She is the wifey material you have been searching for through your life, which again, has been taken away (Ego at work, you guess).

But change is a constant. As with every downs, there will be an upswing and you will be alright one day, someday. Good night, world.

When you see your pro-rated salary credited into your bank account, you felt a load off your shoulder. The immense relief of finally earning your own keep and being able to rebuild your finances again is something which words can never describe. Unfortunately, the Empress Dowager doesn't see it that way.

You want to contribute more but with a pay cut and a need to cater to the 5-year plan, a balance between a rapid finance buildup and familial duties coupled with loan repayments has to be struck.You are already trying your best, but the answer of "这么少?" sure hurts. But you know a trade-off is necessary. A discussion with your FA has necessitate plenty of modifications to the buildup plan. Even the amount of money catered for the housing and renovation was modified based on her recent experience of setting up her home. Throughout the exchange, the plan was revamped (including a complete rework of your insurance portfolio) to ensure that the maximum value can be extracted. Despite having initial concerns over the ambitious plan, you know that it is feasible after going through a few rounds of deliberation. 

With the buildup plan sorted out, you can focus on your work, studies and exercise regimes. The work is starting to build up with plenty of reading on new policies and government regulations. Despite having joined the Company for only two weeks and still on probation, you have been roped in for a few projects on top of your own portfolio of work. While not as hectic as the Force, the learning curve is getting steeper as the day goes by. But you are of the opinion that with proper time management and task prioritisation, you would be able to handle the stress and pressure.

As you gaze upon the twinkling stars, you are starting to miss J again; how her head fits into the nook of your chest, the warmth of her hugs, the sweet scent of her shampooed hair, the constant banter and how you much you long for these again. Despite the fact that you are still in contact, the unspoken barrier is something which both of you are holding firm to. Both of you have erred before and hoped that history will not repeat itself.

To her, you are just history; her ex-lover, soulmate and training buddy. Now, as time goes by, her feelings and heart-thumping moments when you are together would have diminished. You are just one another of the friends she have. But in your heart, she means the world to you and if anything happens to her, you know that you will drop everything and be there for her. Anytime. Every time. All the time.

But of course, nothing will happen to her, for she is in extremely good hands and one filled with plenty of TLC.

Happy weekend!!