Despite being out of the organisation for a few years, it seems that the built-in database has not deteriorate with time. Sometimes you wonder whether it's good or bad for the things you know can be scary.The processes, the procedures and capabilities seems to flow out effortlessly as if you were in the organisation yesterday.

However, with all the knowledge comes the trade-off. While you no longer have to worry about the potential career implications if you decide to embark on a lifelong journey with an outsider or get involved in some illegal matters, you still have to be cognisant of what you do or say. 

You can't tell anyone what you did when you were back serving your statutory obligations to the organisation. No one, lest those who are still or were in the organisation, would understand what you really do. It's a heavy responsibility and one, which would stay with you till your obligations are over. 

But yet you are proud that you have been entrusted with such a heavy responsibility and that your minute contribution would allow people to sleep peacefully at night without any interference.

It's been a busy weekend as you sought to balance the demands of work, military service and school. But such is life as you apportion your time to meet the conflicting demands. But you are worried that you would not be able to finish your assignment which is due in a week's time. 

Even though the public holiday has came in handy by allowing you to catch up on the reading required in order to work on the assignment, you are worried that time is running out. You wish that time can be endless but with endless time, nothing would be special.

Guess you just have to do your utmost to manage your time more effectively. 

During the lull in your military duties, your conversations would revolve around flying as you talked shop with the pilots. Even though you are a low-hour pilot compared to them, you all have a common love for one thing: flying. 

You share something sacred to a few yet common to all pilots; that exhilaration as the aeroplane roars down the runway, freeing itself from the chains of gravity and soaring into the wild blue yonder. Even though you are extremely rusty now, the mere talk of flying is enough to ignite that dormant passion and remind you that you are still a pilot, first, a manager second. 

Flying to you is akin to the gallant dragon-slaying knight of the medieval times. After saving the princess, the knight rides off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Such is the intensity of feelings which flight evokes that you wonder whether you were reincarnated from the Romanticism period. . What a silly dream that is, isn't it? 

But dreaming has always been a part and parcel of you. It's something that keeps you optimistic, that keeps you positive when things are not going in your favour. But have you really learnt to let go of the many things which are beyond your control? How long can you continue to deceive yourself that everything is fine?

After so many hits and misses, you have been telling yourself: "算了吧". But, yet when you know something ain't looking nor feeling well, you will always be there, despite being there would not make a difference, nor mean anything.  

But you will continue to do what you can, so long as it brings joy and respite.

Taking advantage of the late reporting time today, you decided to make a trip to TC for a swim before this rustic place closes down for good this week. Despite the newer and larger facilities (which you checked too), you felt that the charm was missing. While you feel sad that the old TC is making way for the new TC, it would have to keep up with times in order to stay relevant and continue to maintain its competitive edge.

As you sat in the car with a heavy heart munching on the birthday cake breakfast which you had wanted to share, you realised that the closing of old TC marks the end of another chapter of your life; one where many happy moments and memories were formed in the KTV room, gym and swimming pool. 

But that's life, for it has to evolve and move forward with changing times. The only thing that doesn't change are the memories which you will continue to safeguard with your life, for that's the only thing which is left of you..and J. 

For the first time in many years, the uniform which you once shed is back on as you perform your duty as a citizen soldier. Yet there's some form of trepidation as you put on your uniform. 

Will you still be able to fit back into the system which you were once part of?

Have things changed for the better since you left?

So many questions, yet there are no answers.

But one thing is sure, it's good to be back among friends again.

Sunday. 

The time where you are freed from the restraints of the alarm clock and able to sleep in for that little bit longer. Despite the body having been calibrated towards the way of an early riser over the years, the exhausted mind brought you back to dreamland for a couple of hours more. 

Indeed, the combination of work and school stress has made the body susceptible to exhaustion and illness. You relish a break under the clean white sheets (Note to self: Your future house would be equipped with a soft bed and clean white sheets) and the lapping waves calming the frayed nerves. Yet you are being contradictory here. How can you afford to have a break when the enemies of Demands is wrecking havoc on you?

Your fortress is under siege by the enemies of Demands, with their relentless bombardments attempting to breach the fortified walls on a daily basis. Despite the relentless bombardments, the fortress still stand tall, like an uncrushable cockroach. You do your best to keep the safe haven available, to cater for that ship to seek solace from the turbulent storms when needed.  

Indeed, it's a challenge trying to find that optimum balance as you try to fight the conflict on your own. You wished to have that like-minded someone, like J to fight this battle together and to face the turbulent storms as One.

One, where each other's imperfections are perfect when together;

One, where you can motivate each other when the going gets tough;

One, where you can strive together towards a shared goal;
One, where shared joy is double the joy;
One, where shared sorrow is half the sorrow gone;
One, where weekends can be spent having breakfast & freshly brewed coffee;

One, where the comfort of that hug tells you that everything is going to be ok;

One integrated fighting unit, facing the world...

The recently concluded General Election has brought about surprising gains for the ruling party and major upsets for the opposition parties. Despite forecasts of lightning storms across the entire island, the promised blue skies have been masked behind the hazy smoke. As mentioned aptly by a colleague, for all the grumbles and complaints of your fellow countrymen, they would rather stay in their perceived comfort zone even when conditions have proven otherwise. Simply put, it's always better maintain the status quo than to rock the boat.

In the same vein, you can resonate with this statement. You are just like the Opposition party who, despite being able to bring value-added suggestions to the table, does not give the commoners enough confidence and track record to take that leap of faith. Despite having the differentiating factors, you are still cast aside.

But the signs were clear. You have already been downgraded in priority and devoid of many nuggets of her life. So despite being been prioritized out, why you are stubbornly hanging on to these memories and Hope when the one whom you cared so much has already moved on?  Perhaps your greatest fear is that J will forget you and the wonderful memories forged under unusual circumstances.You wonder if her moving on means that those memories which you both shared have been forgotten.

If you could, you would tell her those fears and reservations; that you are scared that you would be forgotten and what both of you once had. You are scared that she’ll forget all the things taught to each other. And you are scared that she’ll grow out of the woman she was when both of you were together — and into someone else entirely.

That's why you pen all these memories down in the cyberspace and in your notebook, hoping that these beautiful memories would be remembered even as you have passed on or suffer from the degenerative effects of dementia.

Memories.

The words which you want to say to her but couldn't.
The words which you want to say to her but doesn't make any more difference.
The words that's kept in the hearts, which no matter how unmistakable, are best left unspoken. 

The haze has came back with a blaze, literally. 

Even though the haze is irritating your eyes and throat, it brought a smile back to you. It reminded you how the haze stymied the long distance running, which forced you to activate your contingency plan; heading to the gym at TC to run on the treadmill like a hamster and increasing muscle mass with weights. Those were the days where weekends were your freedom ticket to an exciting weekend of exercise-long breakfast-chilling sessions with J. 

The charming TC was the sanctuary where peace and quiet reign (especially during weekdays), where the authentic Indian briyani and curry negate the effects of exercising. But soon, it will make way for more modern facilities. But will the charm of the past TC be there?

You have no idea..

When you are bogged down with work and other matters of life, you are faced with a dilemma. You have to prioritize and manage the ever-increasing life demands. Despite all these ever increasing demands, you try to care for those who means alot to you. But sometimes to be forgotten by the one to whom you never forget is the worst thing that can ever happen. 

Perhaps the stresses of work and studies have gotten into you again. Indeed your life has become a sensitive one which is a wave of highs and lows. You live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations, unreasonable demands and misunderstandings. You are a tortured soul that cannot live with hatred or being hated. 

A book you once read highlighted that sensitive people ends up hurting themselves in the long run for they don’t want to hurt other people as it is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.

Now you understand why you can't soar like you once before..

With election rallies going on for the past week and talks of the country at stake, you have been filled with reflective thoughts as the week came to an end. Looking back, you reflected how you have benefited from the meritocratic system and how your stay overseas has shaped your views on the often perceived harsh policies which many people have taken for granted.

A talk with someone very dear to you has drawn the same conclusion which you have been harbouring for a while; that empathy is solely lacking. How does elected members empathise when most don't travel in public transport during the rush hour or stay in public housing? It's only through frequent no-notice walkabouts will there be more connectivity between the elected officials and commoners over daily bread-and-butter issues such as crowded public transport, expensive public housing and rising costs of living.

You struggle with crowded trains and buses as you head for work, you have to work harder to earn more money to buy a resale flat (you don't qualify for brand new 3 or 4-roomer BTOs as there's no one to share your life with) and while doing all these, worry about your yet-to-come children's education needs and retirement needs 30 years from now.

For now, you just do your best to save as much as you can (close to 50% of your salary goes to your savings these days) so you can be financially secured and do not need to incur un-necessary debts. You watch your spending in order to extract maximum value for every cent spent. Even with a 20% pay cut, you are proud to say that you have adjusted well to the new lifestyle, despite trading off additional savings to pursue your studies.

One week of the new school semester has come and passed. After the close shave of last semester, one would think that it's pays to be prepared in advance. Cognisant of the need to stay on top of things, you have started preparing for the semester by dedicating a full Saturday for revisions after attending the night classes. 

Weekday nights which are not spent in school are spent collating articles for the group assignment (You have been nominated group leader, again) and doing some preparatory work for the assignments. As much as you push yourself, you know that one needs to take a break to prevent burnout. So for now, your Sundays are kept free so you can catch up on your own reading or dreaming. Only then will you stay sane, amid the thoughts of her.

Have a good weekend.

As you tucked into the BCM from the comfort stall, it struck you that you have not visited the place for almost 9 months. You realised that the last time you were here was with J. While the place may look the same, the feel has changed. 

Gone is the pillar of support, the one who invoked a sense of calm in you, those little retorts which made life more bearable and that chill-filled soupy BCM more fulfilling.   The omni-present smile belayed the sense of loneliness and emptiness you feel despite having the memories for company. Perhaps it echoed what the great author Murakami mentioned: "The worst part of holding on to the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it." It cannot be shared with anyone except between both of you for it's only exclusive to each other.

There are moments when you wished you could roll back the clock and take both your sadness away, but you know that if you do, the joy would be gone as well. Thus, you would never want to let go of those wonderful memories, no matter how much suffering you have to go through. When it's memories forged through love, it will continue to live on even when you are gone.