Finding myself in the lost world..

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

[8:53 pm]

2 of close friends are down..one physically and one emotionally..jon is suffering from the mother of all runs while fy is currently feeling lost at the moment. Jon, as usual, I do not have worry about him for there is a "private nurse" taking care of him..oh shit..that makes another on with an emotional problem..

Looking at them, I think I am lucky that I have gone past this phase (I think so)..perhaps being back in the uniform did wonders. I feel that when I am uniform, I am in a different world..and it is the same as when I am out in the sea diving or trekking in the mountains. I can't describe those feelings..perhaps you fellows can describe it for me.

Anyway, I am enjoying what I am doing now, for my superiors respect my vocation, especially the blood,sweat and tears I went through to earn those bars. In this position I am holding now, I know I can make a difference.

I think life is a series of ups and downs. We learn from each down-slope portion of the roller coaster ride..and with those lessons learnt, we are ready to zoom to the next level..like a home-sick angel. Talking about angel, we might meet up tomorrow..even though I am meeting my uni friend for a drink..before I go off on my diving trip on Friday..heck, we are going to the same place too..hopefully I won't see that mr wrx there..crapz..

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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Working in the force..

[9:45 pm]

There's alot of things I wish that I can complain about the shit I have to put up with in my job..but I can't do it because it is all highly classified..I can only confide with those people in the force..people who face the same shit as me day in day out.

All I can say is that the stuff I am currently doing, even though will affect me in the future, is something I have already lost touch with. They should had given it to someone who have been in there long enough to make the changes and not someone who have lost touch with the operational developments.

Luckily with the help of my buddies, I managed to submit the changes required. Looking at the work, I think it will come back to me again..but that will have to wait a while..since I got my own work to do..3 projects to be exact..all to be completed within the time frame of a month.

Feeling frustrated, I went for a run with angel. Angel was left huffing and puffing behind as I ran at a faster than usual pace. But the run left me feeling satisfied and cleared my mind of all the work related crap..I think that our relationship have improved abit ever since the day she changed her bloggy addy.

Now she can't read my bloggy and I can't read hers, it makes things easier. We are just enjoying the present while I am hoping for a future. Perhaps I am stubborn, but I tend to look at things with a positive outlook..that things will improve in the future..

I know she is will drop everything and meet mr wrx once he smses her. Even though I tend to be disappointed at the way she is hanging on to this matter, I am not telling her anything..I think only fy, jac and robin will know the pain I feel especially since I talk to fy about this sometimes..while jac and robin knows it through the post in bloggy.Jon will just say it in a more harsh tone that I am being "kay-gan"..but he means well..I have known this bugger since sec 1 and have trusted his opinions everytime..

All I hope for is that angel knows what she is doing and that she will be able to live through this nightmare. I am willing to help her through this ordeal and protect her from harm.

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Scorched by the sun..choked by the dust...

[12:02 am]

What a super long day today has become...woke up at 6 and sent no.2 back to camp and no.3 to school. Reached camp at 7.30 am...that is considered early since I am attached to the HQ..haha

Left camp at 9+ and drove down to CV for brunch before going over to one of the excercise site for familiarisation. As the sorties won't be starting so early we sat under the hot sun without shelter while I discussed with the controllers the pros and cons of the system. After getting scorched by the hot sun for 4-5 hrs, we left for another site in the west..which was near school..but not before pampering ourselves and in the process burning a hole in my pocket, at Sakae Sushi..

At the last site, as the sorties begins only at night, we waited and chit-chatted with the crew, some of them whom we have known since I joined the unit..got myself up-to-date with the new operational procedure..too...gosh..things have changed much since I last come for a currency check 1 year ago!!..

But the exercise was pretty successful and I learnt many useful stuff from the controllers and the crew there..reached home at 10+..by the time I finished ironing my uniform, it was 11+...now I need to satisfy my hunger before dropping dead onto the bed...

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

Sunday..another fully packed day..

[9:16 pm]

Slept pretty early last night especially after finishing 5 bottles of corona at Fisherman's Village. What was I doing there? Well, actually me, angel and fy was supposed to start our rollerblading lessons under the tutelage of jon.

But, after reaching Pasir Ris, we found out that the bicycle shop do not have roller blades for rent!!wtf sia? In the end we went cycling and the best thing, my bicycle got a punctured tyre..what an unlucky day..

In the end, only the beer could extinguish the flames that was burning within. Left the gals and jon and attended a steamboat session over at aunt's place. Steamboat session in the middle of summer? Crazy eh?..haha..but I just ate my share, went home and conked out at 11.30..

This morning, I went over to pick up angel and sent her for her voluntary work at St. Pats. Talk about having the same frequency, I had a craving for the freshly made bread at Serangoon Gardens and bought some for breakfast. And she also had a craving for that!!haha..She told me that while I was driving to her home..in the end, she made coffee for me and we had some of the bread before leaving.

In the late afternoon, went over to attend wm's house warming. The view from his house at the 33rd storey was simply stunning..one can see the financial district and sentosa from there. It is also pretty windy.But it comes at a price..400k for a 5-roomer..a price I won't pay even if the view is fantastic..

To me, a house shouldn't be more than 250k..when I think of the loan that I need to pay off, it will kill me..haha..but that will come at a later date..if and when I get married..

Ah..enough of all these bullshit, tomorrow is the start of another work week..one where I will start the week working till 9+ due an upcoming event. Hopefully I can see angel a few more times before I go up-country on friday.

> 1 comments

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Fix You

[10:26 am]

Fix You

When you have tried your best,
but you don't succeed
When you have gotten what you want,
but it's not what you need

When you feel so tired,
but you can't sleep
When the tears come
streaming down your face

When you lose something
which you can't replace
When you love someone,
but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

I will guide you home
And protect you from harm
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below

When you feel like letting it go
But it clings like a shadow
But if you have never tried
How will you ever know?

I will guide you home
And protect you from harm
And I will try to fix you

> 0 comments

What is life to you?

[2:37 am]

I must admit that I haven't been updating bloggie due to time constraints and of course, NO INTERNET connection at my workstation. So, to update abit;

1) Finally received my Temporary Camp Pass from Chief.

2)Got the replacement Identity Card form sent out to boss.

3)Got the pin number to the office door.

But sad to sat that my OA account has not been set up..thus I am still handicapped by my inability to start my projects. Instead, I have been spending my time reading some interesting publications..which I am not at a position to talk about..haha..

Anyway, went over to angel's house to collect my lappy as she borrowed it to finish up her assignment. After which, I took her to a famous prata shop at Old Upper Thomson road for supper. Feeling curious, I drove into the old racing track of Upper Pierce Reservoir, to relive the feelings of racing there many moons back. When I drove past the stretch where I crashed my car 2 years back, I felt uneasy as memories came gushing back like a torrent of waterfall. That was the time where my life really flashed in front of me and I was a dead man for sure..

Looking at the extent of damage, I think I was lucky to survive that. If there wasn't any crash barrier, I would had rolled into that ravine..phewz..well after that journey back into time, I took angel to Seletar Dam. Surprisingly, that was her first time there..hmmzz..thought mr wrx would had brought her there before..duhz..aint for me to know anyway eh? Along the way home we suddenly talked about diamonds..don't ask me why the conversation drifted till there..but I recalled telling her that even the best diamond will have flaws, but it is up to us whether to accept it..and I told her I am willing to accept a diamond with flaws..guessed she got the message...haha

And for today, being a friday, we are allowed to leave base half an hour earlier..guess it is a policy to let service personnel spend more time with their family..haha..but guess what? I went over to the airport to get my bearings for an upcoming event..after which I picked up angel and we had our fave coffee and toast at PP before joining fy, jon and stone for Initial D movie..The movie was very good and I think I will get the VCD when it comes out..haha

Went for supper at Upper Bukit Timah Road and the food was ok..though on the expensive side. Angel,as usual, left some of her stuff in my car and went off to Tanjong Pagar to meet mr wrx..part of me feel disappointed with her while part of it says its her fucking problem if she wants to be a rug for him to step on. Well, when I think of my conversation with fy a few days back, I think she is right.

I think she brought all these problems upon herself and it is screwing her up. She herself knows it, yet she can't take the truth, even though it has been laid in front of her. She gets pissed off when she hears about the truth..even though it is harsh...yet when it has happened then she starts complaining and whining..

I bet when we meet up tomorrow, she will be complaining about her lack of sleep..and whose fault is it? Not mine..I didn't stop her this time because, for what? She ain't my gal, my wife..she just a friend of mine..The attraction portion is still there though, but when I look at it, I really can't be bothered about what she wants to do about being someone's rug..I will just lend her my shoulders when the time comes..and I will not say anything about the"I was right all along" thingy..'coz I have been there and done that..and this time round I will stay aloof of this matter..

Now that I have vented all these steam..time to sleep...

> 0 comments

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Back to Air Force..

[7:12 pm]

Reported back to the Air Force for attachment...this time round at Division HQ's General Staff Branch doing some doctrinal stuff. As usual, the first day of work tends to be marred by administrative issues.

No. 1: Chief ran out of temporary passes due to the influx of officers coming back for attachment this time round.

No. 2: No workstation and user account for me to start my assigned projects. Best of all, the workstations are running on Win 95 OS and now the stunner..NO INTERNET!!

Other than that, spent the day getting to know the people around the branch, especially since most of them are controllers instead of ADA officers which I am more acquainted to. Luckily my former INT boss was there and he helped to smooth things out for me..haha..the ironic thing is that we used to be terrfied of his disciplinary actions (read: sign extra) when we were in the battalion many moons ago.

Now I just have to wait for the temporary pass, car label and office entrance pin number to be issued before I can go visiting my buddies in my ex-unit.

Work outside, Angel is sick..she didn't join me for our weekly runs yesterday. Having nothing to do, I ran from Punggol Park to her house, deciding to pay her her a visit..stupid right?..haha..but I forgot to bring my handphone along and I did not want to go upstairs, so heck..just ran back to Punggol Park..haha..

Called her in the afternoon and she was like, just woke up from her nap?..wah liewz..good life sia..anyway she is ok..and will be going back to work tomorrow..might be meeting her tomorrow for a run..if there's time..'coz Mom is asking me to drive her down for a wedding banquet at Orchard...haiz...

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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

A Walk to Remember...

[11:34 pm]

Juz finished watching the movie "A Walk To Remember"..which was an adaptation of the book by Nicholas Sparks. Feelings? Emotions?..I got plenty of them..didn't know I still have tear ducts in me..guess it takes alot to activate them..hahaha..

The movie and the book, which was based on a true story, is one of the best written novels I have read and watched. It makes me want to believe that as long as we have faith, miracles will appear..but the question is whether having faith is enough to make miracles appear?

Is it part of the guys' plans upstairs for me to suffer so many love tribulations in order for me to appreciate the beauty of love itself? To me, love is suppose to be sweet, innocent and fun-filled with adventures, to you fellows I might be living in fantasy land, but I always believed in it. Love is supposed to be selfless, patient, kind and not something you can manipulate for your personal gains.

I may not be the suitable person to speak of the word "love", but I do know that love entails letting someone grow independently and not by controlling their lives, to be there when they fall, to be there to share their joys and sorrows. I have always have faith that a miracle will appear..and I have always have faith that angel will be able to walk out of the hole she is in..she said I am sentimental, but I say it is because of all these sentimental part that I am who I am today.

Even though she is abit pampered, get pissed off when you tell her the truth, which can be hurting, gets spidey when things suddenly crops up..she is still a normal gal who wants a simple but romantic love. It just happens that the problems she is stuck in are caused by herself..only she herself can unravel the entanglements she is in.

As usual, I don't need to repeat myself, I won't let my angel suffer in silence..even though she won't come to me when she have problems.

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Back from Tioman!!!!

[12:31 pm]

Alas, IA is over and after a short break at Tioman, here I am, back in the harsh and realistic world. The Tioman trip has given me a break which I needed and a new perspective on angel.

The resort we went to was very exclusive and we were the only Chinese there..and it had a very slow-paced,cozy atmosphere compared to the hustle and bustle of city life. We took the hard way by taking bus all the way from Singapore to Mersing, followed by an hour's boat ride to the resort. Angel, being a pampered gal she was, showed signs of discomfort during the whole journey..she aint used to long bus rides..lucky she didn't complain..phewz..

We spent the day snorkelling the bay, with me towing the ring they were holding on. Not much reef to be seen but the fishes there were pretty good..saw a variety of fishes which I didn't expect to see that close to the shore. The beautiful sunset was something to behold and words cannot describe how I feel..one have to see it to believe it..its the best sunset I have seen by far.

The night was spent at the jetty looking at stars and guess what?we woke up at 5 to catch the sun rise,which I am sad to say, was blocked by the mountains..haha..in the end we went back to sleep..I left the gals to themselves when I went for a dive to check out the wreck they have offshore.

The visibilty was around 6-10 metres due to run-offs caused by a pre-dawn shower. Saw fishes which I have never seen during my dives at Aur..darn it..if I had an underwater camera, I would had snapped pictures of the diverse species of fishes. After the dive, I took the 2 gals out to snorkel and brought them all the way to the end of the jetty, which they didn't dare to venture out to on the first day.

In order to keep those 2 gals entertained, yah, I was the only guy there..I brought them trekking to the waterfall. The trek was pretty straightforward in my point of view and I think even fy agreed with me. But angel, being her first trek, wasn't quite comfortable, especially since the mozzies and the humidity was a nuisance. Trekked 2 hours to the waterfall and took pictures there, followed by a dip into the cool waters.

As the phone lines throughout Tioman was down, we couldn't get a boat out to ferry us back and being late in the evening, 4.30, fy and I was prepared to trek back to the resort. But looking at angel, I figured she will be complaining her head off..so in the end we managed to hire a speedy to get back to the resort.After a short rest, we had dinner and celebrated angel's birthday, with a cake.If she hadn't read my bloggy, she would had been surprised..but what to do..my mistake.

We went to the sun deck where we finished a bottle of red wine and since fy didn't want to join us to spent the night at the jetty, angel and I had the whole place to ourselves. We just sat there making fun of one another and looked at the beautiful night sky..before we walked hand in hand back to our resort under the light of the stars.

To me, it was a walk to remember, one that I hoped would last forever. One where it is simple and sweet to be in love again..one where dreams became reality for a short period of time. During that time, I just wanted to hold her hand forever and time to stand still. Call me naive or watsoever, but that is how I felt during that time.

Till now I still relish that memory..perhaps it will be engraved in my brain for a long time to come.

> 2 comments

Friday, June 17, 2005

End of IA - Friends make leaving harder..

[9:07 am]

Alas, I have scrapped through six months of internship with a world-renowned engine manufacturer (name witheld to prevent being sued for slandering..haha). Feelings? Well, it's a mixture of excitement and sadness. Excitement because of the fact that THIS is the ONLY semester that I DID NOT fail at all. I passed it, but with what grade, that is something I will know at a later date. Excitement because I am leaving this highly-politicised workplace..a place where things ain't as simple as they seems. But I have learnt hell lot of things, not academic of course, but improve on my judgement of people based on my first impression..and I am proud to say it has not failed me since..haha

Sadness because I have to say goodbye to the many friends I have made during my six month stay here. You may wonder why I used the term " friends" instead of colleagues..it is simple. Colleagues are those your "hi-bye" types who I can just maintain a working relationship with. I might not like you on a personal level, but on the professional level I can still work with you. Friends, on the other hand, are those who you can chew the fat with, generally talk about things under the sun. Who are these friends? Better list them down as my memory nowadays is failing me..

1) Adrian Koh (APU Line) - Our long fat-chewing sessions when we have nothing to do is very stimulating and we can talk about anything under the sun...The surprising thing is being 12 years my senior, we still can click so well. Crapz, through you I can see myself 12 years down the road..and it look pretty good too!! Good luck in your future endeavours and hope we will work together again in the future.

2)Ong Keng Hock or Ah-Ong (APU Line) - Another technician who I clicked pretty well with and helped in his studies when I was attached to their line. I can see you and Adrian is getting tired of this job..too many things to do in too short a time. Knowing that you are going to jump over to SIA soon, I also hoped that we will work together again if and when I jump over there.

3)Teo (All over the shop) - This is a veteran with 20 over years of experience in the aviation industry. With your guidance and encouragement on many things, I have learnt to be a better person. Not forgetting the food trails that we embarked on sometimes and the long distance cycling trips. For an ah-lau, you are one hell of a fit guy. One of these days we should go for a kayaking session with Poh..haha..

4)Vincent Su, Ah-Wang, Chang (Machine Shop) - These 3 machinists did not despised the fact I am just a student but gave me their time to coach and refresh me in the operation of the machining systems I have learnt in poly. Sometimes while the EDM machine is operating, we will just sit down and chew some fat, ranging from families, life and bgr issues. Thanks for everything!!

5) Ah-Tan (Cleaning Line) - Being Chinese-educated has not dampened our daily banter during the breaks we have. This is one of the few guys I have to use Hokkien to converse with...haha..I think my fluency level increased because of that..haha..Hopefully you will be transferred to the APU line so you won't suffer under the vermins who are out to kill you.

6)Cleaning Uncle - Another old timer who will regale us small fries with his stories of the aviation line. By his age, he is 62 by the way, he can be happily retired, but he rathered take a job as a form of exercise..that is something worth learning from.

7) John (Paintshop) - A talk-cock king who taught me alot of things besides his specialty..painting..haha..We would sit down at the paint shop and just have fun chit-chatting when there's nothing to do. A good guy.

8) Chong and Dominque Brendon (APU Line) - These 2 buggers never ceases to amaze me with their constant banter as they go about disassembling or assembling the engine. They are a source of entertainment in the daily mundane task we do everyday. Hope to work with you 2 fellows again in the future too!!

Haha, don't know why I wrote so much, as if they can read all these stuff..duh... But from the day I stepped in to the day I stepped out of the company for the last time, they have changed and moulded me into a better person throught their perspective on life. Thanks guys!!

P.S

Jac- Now don't get distracted at this critical juncture. Just hang on there and don't end up taking the road I took. If there's anything you know where to get me.

Jon and FY - Sorry mates, for dragging you people into this shit again. Gomennasai!!!!!!!!

Robin - Eh, you think your good buddy, me, print money is it? Now now, don't give me the crap that you are regular mah..kaoz..and by the way, what 3-in-1 instant coffee shit are you going to feed me eh? You better give me those premium coffee if not I am going to hammer you...haha..Good luck for your exams and if there's anything you know where to get me.

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I made angel cried again...

[1:06 am]

Took little boy out for a spin after I came back from the BBQ.As I followed the roads towards God knows where, the mind was running in a replay mode..going through events which had happened in the past 6 hours.

Being a fool, I gave angel my bloggy..aginst a promise I made towards myself that I won't disclose it to anyone any more. And in the process, I dragged my 2 buddies into the fire-fight would never had happened had I insisted on not giving them the addy.

Because of the fact that I had read angel's bloggy without her knowledge that I found it and by acting blur about it (by telling her I can't be bothered to find it), she got agitated. Well, I should had told her the truth that i had been reading it, but I wonder what good would I had done? To me, reading a blog gives me a perspective on how a person thinks and how I can learn from their literary talents. I may get affected by it if it belongs to a friend or someone dear to me, but I have since learnt that a blog is still a blog, something to vent one's frustrations, dreams or whatsoever.

I am disappointed that I have failed myself and angel ..how come I have to be the one to make her cry again? I have promised her once that never will I break her heart and made her cry..but I have failed in this tremendously. As I thought about this, I found myself underneath her block. With the handphone in my hand, I wanted to call her, but I never did. Instead I turned back and headed for home..disappointed in myself..

Anyway hope tomorrow will be a better day..and to robin and jac: Good luck for your exams down there..looking forward to the day where we will go la kopi together.

> 1 comments

Thursday, June 16, 2005

1 day to End of IA!!!

[3:25 pm]

Alas, one more day and I will be ending my internship with this company. Spent half of the day finishing up the user manual for one of my projects..albeit with a "can't be bothered attitude"..haha.

All the projects assigned have been completed and the reports generated. But I am only going to hand them over tomorrow before I leave, just in case they review the stuff and think it needs some editing...haha.

What have I learnt in this six months long internship? Not application of my academic knowledge to the projects, but rather on inter-personal relationship skills with the staff. This is also the place where I witnessed office politics at its zenith...a place where jealousy over one's qualification prevails, a place where wearing of a full-body armour is compulsory to prevent back-stabbers.

But along the way, I have made many great friends amongst the technicians, especially those from the APU line and process lines. They taught me all they knew and regaled me with stories from their vast working experiences in the aviation industry. They were the ones who made my stay in the company enjoyable and fruitful.

Sad to say some of them have left the company or planning to leave the company in the near future. All of them highly qualified and experienced personnel. What seems to be the problem? From what I have seen in the past six months, it is likely due the dropping morale of the staff...imagine employees left in the span of my six months here. All talents who can bring value to the company.

Seems like the management ain't doing their job at monitoring the situation and asking why employees are leaving like flies...haiz..ain't my problem..because ORD LOH!!!

> 0 comments

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Moving on and the will to do so?

[8:55 pm]

Finally, I have stopped procrastinating and moved on towards one of my goals..that of having an Advanced Open Water Certification. I figured that life is perhaps too short to be concentrating on un-necessary stuff.

I think I should carry on my fortress mentality and continue to seek refuge in the mountains and the underwater world...perhaps it is through those avenues I might be able to find out the true me..be the person I really want to be and have a better perspective on life.

The current status between angel and me is already clear, that we are just friends and nothing more than that. There's nothing much I can do except to be her friend I guess. Time to take a step back and enjoy life..but will I be able to do that? Am I really hoping that by using the proven method of time that things will develop between us? Luckily school is reopening in a month's time..I guess by burying myself in school work I will not think of things between angel and me too much.

Ending again with another poem:

Reflections Of Life And Love
by Andrew MacDonald

Tender is the night we spend in passionate delight,
Craving the sensuality of another's warmth.
Touching like breathing - sustaining life and desire,
Forever embraced, we are consumed by the fire.

Our bonding in love is unlike the vice of lust.
Why do some want without knowing or feeling?
For them the joys of love come suddenly, or not at all.
Spontaneous obsession becomes an eternal void.

Love is neither volatile or immediate.
It is earned and cherished like the gift of life.
We are challenged to exist in spiritual peace,
In a world that frowns its cold face at romanticism.

Love, in years to come, will be obsolete.
To be replaced by that which is more efficient.
Love as a commodity of the future:Mass-marketed, and conveniently packaged.
Only $19.99 after manufacturer's mail-in rebate.

Do the means justify our end?
Is it better to own without feeling
Than to love without needing?
I want to grow through experience, not material wealth.

That I may be wealthy in experience and love,
I will follow the past least traveled.
With solace in a friend, I have hope and support.
I am fueled by a dream and hardened for the journey,

For love is a lost road upon which few have traveled.
Embracing this thing we call life, we must keep searching.

> 0 comments

On Fears...

[11:49 am]

Fear,the word itself brings shudder down one's spine. The explanation from the dictionary explains it this way;"A feeling of apprehension or disquiet"...an excellent description in a few words.

What is fear to me? My fear is not of dying for it is a path all of us must undergo..it may be easy for some but for the rest it might be a terrible suffering till God say's its enough. Rather, for me, feelings of insecurity is a fear of mine. I might seem like a confident bugger with a positive outlook on life but deep inside I have many insecurities.

People always think I am the jovial one whenever I am out with the gang or others. People who don't know me well enough will think I have it all, a fully- sponsored education courtesy of the Air Force, a bright future with them after that..but what they do not know is that I dread the day when I fail the service and let those around me down. Sometime it just gets too much for me to take it and I will break down..nobody knows it..only thambi has seen me broken down that once.

I know others will say I am putting alot of burden on myself, which I agree. But since I have chosen this path, I have to finish the race to the end..winners will never quit and a quitter will never win. I am happy that I have my uni friends to help me in my studies and they are there when I am really frustrated by my studies, for they know I have put in alot of effort, only to fail in the end. They understand the tremendous amount of stress I go through every semester and are willing to help me along..these are the group of friends I am proud to have..sk, roy,thambi and ah-bang..they are willing to forgo their hols to help me..that's why I cannot let them down..*sob*

As for bgr issues, it is always a difficult path for me. I have been hurt so many times that I have lost count myself. I ain't as eloquent and witty as my friends. I am just a guy who is more sensitive or rather a SNAG as some of my galfrens put it. I tend to be a quiet person who is not adept at making gals feel good or nor am I good at comforting them when they are feeling down. All I can do is to offer them my ears and shoulders when they need it, be there when they need me..I can only let them know what I think of the situation and what should be the course of action..that's it..other than that it is hard.

That's why to gals, I am just a harbour who can offer them a temporary reprieve from the stormy waters outside. After the storm is over, they will just steam out of the harbour and continue on their way to the next destination. That's why over the years I have started building up my defensive fortress to prevent any ships from entering the safety of my harbour. I know career comes first and gals can come later, but sometimes I just need someone who can be there to comfort me, to provide me with support when I feel like the going is getting tough. Is it that difficult? I really don't know..God, please help me and give me the guidance...

Ending with a poem:

And if I didn't Make Any Mistakes
by Katie Paton

And if I did not make mistakes
And give too brief a thought to heavy questions
And too much time to little matter;
Or if I always knew which road to travel
Where every step would lead me into daylight
And if each face that turned to watch me pass
Was broken by a smile;
Or if whenever I should choose to lay my heart
Bare upon the sun-warmed grass,
It always was returned with tender touches
And carried by a song;
And if my heaviest burden were only to be
A breeze upon my back, and blossom in my hair,
And my brow was never crossed with lines of pain;
If all this endless summer were my lot
And winter's fury never beat me back,
Then I never would have seen the stormy nights
Through which I've struggled, fought and won;I
never would have known the joy of needed comfort given,
Or the essence of a friend.

> 0 comments

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Angel cried again..

[11:50 pm]

Met angel for dinner just now. She needed to pick up an Econs text from her school library and being her devil, I drove her down. The best thing that can happen was she met her ex-husband. He just ignored her and walked on to his classes or whatsoever.

I could sense her mood change immediately (I ain't her devil for nothing) and tried to cheer her up. Made the mistake of telling her that her ex-husband wasn't her type of guy. By the look of it, her type of guy has to be able to fit her hyper-active lifestyle..someone with alot of energy.

She started talking about how she had let down her ex-husband and that if he wasn't introduced to her, there won't be so much suffering on both sides. As she was saying that, her tear ducts went to automatic mode. Well, she carried on by saying that she is having her retribution by being stuck with the problem of wrx.

When I reflect back on what she had said about retribution, I think perhaps this is really it. But God themselves have given her chance to redeem herself by making us her fighter escorts as she fly through this turbulence in her life. God still have not abandoned her after all!! She is capable of riding this turbulence out she has the will to do it...but it is up to her to disengage the autopilot oin following her heart and hand-fly the jet she is on...She can do it and I hope I will be able to guide her out.

We had dinner at Golden Mile Food Center and went over Golden Mile Complex to buy Malaysian Ringgit..and the rate was astrocious..SGD 1 to MYR2.263..wtf? In the end we had no choice but to buy them. Became her personal driver and shopping carrier as she hunted for prizes for the company "get-to-know-you" session.

Met up with jon later for kopi session before heading for home. Seems like his story is going to end. With the end of his, I am left wondering when mine will start..I really dread the day..and I hope it will not come.

As for angel, if you really break the code based on the clues I have given't you, good for you. Do not be surprised at the tone of lingo I have used here for it is an avenue for me to vent my frustrations. So till you find this bloggy..good luck!!

> 0 comments

Something to share..

[1:26 pm]

Was browsing through no.3's bloggy over lunchtime..I didn't know that this brother of mine kept a blog at all..since 2002!!..some sort of big brother I am eh?
Perhaps, being of all-guys siblings, whenever we have problems we will seldom say it out and instead resort to blogging to express ourselves.

As I look back the tunnel of time, it has dawned on me that all of us siblings are as close as that of fy's or jon's. We don't go out shopping together, we don't go down to the prata shop and have a cup of kopi and prata. It has seem to me we have inherited the best of daddy and mom's genes..dad's " whenever I have any problems, I keep it to myself and only my friends know about it" and mommy's positive outlook on life, that if you want to be successful in life, you will have to work hard to achieve it.

Sometime's it never ceases to amaze me that our family is still sticking around after so long. Perhaps it is because of mom's selflessness and our love for her that we have survived for so long. Dad, being too pre-occupied in the day to day running of his business, has seldom spend any quality time with us.

The only recollection I have is that he brought me and no.2 to alot of amusement parks when we were very young. The amusement park at Parkway Parade and the annual trips to Kusu Island were the happiest time we had. As we grew up, daddy became more withdrawn from us..perhaps due to troubles in his busines, mom and dad began to quarrel more frequently.Dad's late night drinking with his buddies also drew us closer to mom.

That's was what I faced during my growing up years..something that changed my outlook towards marriage and care for the children. Even though all of us siblings never pick up any bad habits, except for the drinking which I thinks runs in the family, I know mom is proud of that. Mom is proud that 2 of her kids had gotten diplomas and with no.3 and 4 earning their A's and O's certification, she can heave a sigh of relief that we all turned out well.

But somehow or rather, I feel that I have lost something..that of a fatherly love and guidance on issues where we couldn't turn to mom about. Maybe that's why I am who I am today, someone who is more sensitive, just like mom, someone who tends to be much more independent and self-reliant.

That's why I have always hoped that my marriage will not turn out to be like that..rather if there's any problems, I share it with my wife and vice-versa.As the saying goes, "Shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half the sorrow gone"..that's what I want in a relationship or marriage..open form of communication..

Damn..I wrote too much liaoz..haha..leaving with a quote I gleamed from my bro's bloggy:

What is life?

Life is special. It is the period between your birth and death. Life is the things that you may experience; it may tough or simple, miserable or enjoyable. Life is about whom you love and whom you hurt. It’s about how you feel about yourself. It’s all about trust, happiness and compassion. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It’s about what you say and what you mean. It’s about seeing people who they are and not what they have. To me, life is about choosing my life to touch someone else in a way that could never have been achieved. Now, I hope that I can touch your life and make you happy.

> 0 comments

A Strange Dream....

[9:28 am]

Went for supper at Bedok with harald, bbx and jon. As usual, spent the time talking crap and stealing glances at the pretty gal sitting at the table behind us. (Me and bbx got the best view of all..haha).

Anyway, I think jon is worried about his younger brother and have given up on his sister. I just listened to him and told him to keep a lookout for him as kids,especially those on teenage years, tends to have a confused mind and have great emotional changes. Whatever it is, I think he should be able to pull through all these series of bad episodes without any worries.

As I wandered my way through dreamland in search of interesting happenings, I chanced upon angel..strange that I saw her in my area..haha.But one moment she was smiling and talking to me, the other moment she was snatched away by demons.

There I was stunned at the sudden change in events as I drew my sword and charged towards the demon. The fight was fast and furious as we exchanged parries and blows while angel was screaming and sobbing in the background. With a swift swing of its tail, I was swept off my mount and the demon flew towards the wild blue yonder with angel between its claws.

By that time, the alarm clock started doing what it does best..kicking me out of my slumber. What is the dream supposed to mean? Is it my sub-conscious state of mind telling that the fight is over and that I have lost?or should I pursue the demon and slay the demon and rescue my angel? Oh damn..seems to me its a choice I have to make..haha..argh..what the heck, if fate entails, I will find her..

Damn, I am feeling drowsy from all these flu...oh crapz..

> 0 comments

Monday, June 13, 2005

Boringz Monday

[12:54 pm]

Damn, the online hobby-shop lost my aircraft model while shipping it and mailed me to select a replacement and after a week, they have the cheek to tell me the replacement is out-of-stock!!wtf?

In the end, I have to select another model..but this time I selected the twin-pack, scale 1/72 F14D Super Tomcat and F/A18F Super Hornet. They never say anything about topping up the difference so I figured might as well give them 1x jialat jialat...haha..but come to think of it, where the hell am I going to display all these new aircraft models? Mom is already driving me crazy regarding my aircraft accquistion..which is much more than what some of the airforces of the world owns literally..I guess I just have to keep some of the limited editions models in their boxes and if and when I get married in the future, I will shift them over..haha

Seems like jon has given up on his quest to search for my bloggy. Haha..he would have never guessed that I had chosen this addy..all thanks to Jac!! He was asking me to post some on the original bloggy..nah..can't be bothered about it anyway..just post some abstract to them from time to time to tickle them..wahaha..

Anyway, just read angel's entry..wonder why she is still hurting herself over that fellow..is it worth it?Then again, when you are blinded by love, anything goes..no matter how screwed up the person's background is, you will tend to want to be with him..but is it for love or due to physical attraction?

Funny that this time round I ain't that upset by her latest problem..or have I become numbed by it? I seemed to have taken a bird's eye view over this incident and through it, I know it will take hell lot of time for her to get out of this shithole.

The best I can do now is act blur and try my best to make her happy even though I think now she is feeling sad, angry or whatsoever when I am msning her..that is the ultimate gift I can give to her. Perhaps that is also the reason why she doesn't tell me so much things regarding her relationship with wrx..she knows that I ain't as strong like fy and jon and that I will get affected.

Whatever it is, the helicopter is still hovering above her with the winch ready to deploy.

P.S.

Hey Jac..I think I should get the book you are recommending..looks interesting...

> 0 comments

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Cap to my feeling's for today..

[11:07 pm]

Drifting
By Kit Macullum

I sometimes find I'm drifting

Through this life without effect;

I often wonder if I'm truly

Worth what I've been blessed.

I search through days that have been hard,

To try to understand,

The many trials that I have known,

The life that I have had.

You see me in my daily grind,

So confident and strong;

Yet when I am alone, I question

Just where I belong.

I often try too hard I find,

To analyze and guess,

To scrutinize, investigate

My life I will confess.

For somewhere deeper, there must be

Some meaning to this life,

Some way to make a difference,

Give a reason for this strife.

Is there some hidden meaning?

Some agenda to be found?

A greater purpose waiting

If I care to hang around?

It teases and it taunts me,

Always slightly out of sight;

A hazy vision out of reach,

Where darkness hides the light.

I struggle to bring clarity

To what awaits me there,

And yet this weak illusion

Always fades before my stare.

It seems the harder that I try,

To focus through the haze,

Just serves to add more questions,

Through my endless, tired gaze.

Perhaps I'm trying just too hard,

To understand it all,

For can we ever truly know

Just what we have in store?

Each incident, each moment passed,

Just adds upon the next,

But in the end, will I find truth ...

Or will I be perplexed?

Perhaps I make it harder

Than it has to be sometimes,

But will my searching bring to me

My meaning over time?

Or will it leave me broken,

And confused as I feel now,

While questions bring no solitude,

To this, my wrinkled brow.

> 0 comments

A path for the loners?

[10:55 am]

Went downtown yesterday with the jon, fy and angel to change money for the trip to Tioman and at the same time to check out the lappy angel is intending to buy.

Halfway through, the baka (name withheld to protect victim's identity..hee) have to leave due to a family problem. Dropped this baka at the house and headed for dinner and drinks.

During the drinking session, there was a lot of heavy talk on responsibility..and the surprising fact is that all four of us are the eldest in the family!!! Listening to them relate their family problems somehow made me realise that we all face the same problem..no communication with father because of his, "I am always right" attitude (Sad to say I belong in the category also..), families holding on together just because of the kids..with alot of friction between them..(Baka..I also belong to this category too..)

Maybe that's why I decided to strike out on my own by joining the Air Force. Sub-conciously, my growing up years have fostered an self-reliance mind-set in me. During those times, for any problems I faced, the only thing I could do was to cry as I go to sleep. I have to be strong in front of my siblings and protect them from harm. Now, the tear ducts have already dried up and I can't cry no more..maybe it is a blessing I guess..

The school and later, as I gained financial independence, the underwater world and mountains were my pressure relief valve..through all these activities I cultivated my self-determination and independence. Perhaps it is due to all these problems that I have experienced that made me a tough cookie I am now.

But deep inside, I feel like I am struggling hard as i paddle in vain against the rapids to reach the calmer waters of the shoreline. Problems with family,career and gals are constantly on the back of my head as I walked through the valley of growing up..

Looking at the 3 of us, you guys know who you are lah hor, I think we are walking on a similar path, one that only people who have been through hell lot of tribulations will ever know. The distant-looking eyes, a face which has aged by 20 years are all the "badges-of-honor" that differentiates us from the rest.

But somehow or rather, fate has brought us together, to travel on this lonely path (if I am welcomed..), and oh..plus the addition of the angel who seems to be wondering what the hell is wrong with the 3 of us..one with a forever serious outlook on life, trying to find the meaning of his existence, one who is using alcohol and cracking jokes to mask up his lonely facade, one who like me, have been through the road I am on and willing to provide the guidance as I fly through the clouds.

As for angel, till the day you find my bloggie, all I can say is I know you are devastated over what I said, perhaps that's why we are not close as we used to be. I know I had made you cry twice with my harsh and unforgiving criticisms, but I guess it is because of out of my love for you. I can dish out my opinions same as what fy did, a neutral and bird's-eye-view of the situation you are in. But do not forget, I am also human and hence subjected to human bias that sometimes clouds my judgement. Whether there will be an "us" in the end, I guess I will leave it up to fate to determine and if there is really an "us", I will try my best not to make you cry and sad. This is my promise.

> 0 comments

Friday, June 10, 2005

Giving up my dream??

[11:41 pm]

Just came back from a boozing session with the gang..minus jon of course..seems like bugger is busy with matters over at Yong's. AnywayI told bbx and harald about their disagreement way back..hmmz..sometimes I wish to tell them , we have known each other for 10 years and if we don't move on just because of that incident, it is really a waste of the brotherhood.

But sometimes I wonder the brotherhood will hold on after so many tribulations. To me, it seems like it has splintered into smaller groups..bbx with harald, stone with derrick and me with jon. Sometimes I wonder whether I am the bridge linking them together..very "wei da" of me right?haha..

Anyway, I was talking to a fellow IA friend of mine about my career switch to become a SIA pilot after my bond. He was asking me whether I am crazy to take a paycut of over 4000 over bucks just to fulfill a lifelong dream of flying. For now I can answer him, "Yes"..because it has always been my dream to fly..but by the time I finish my bond with the Air Force, my projected potential will be that of a Major, a command officer with a pay check of over 5k..will I be able to give up all that if I am married (Hopefully lah ..hor...haha) by that time?

There is a saying," If you can conceive it and believe it, you can achieve it!!" which I always believe in.But the problem facing me all the time always boils down to women. To add on to the entry I have put in the morning, sometimes I will deviate from my utimate goal just because of women. I have failed my exams constantly just because I got distracted by problems of the heart which is not conducive to my future career.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is Gods' test to me...to determine whether I have what it takes to achieve higher things in life..hmmzz..Eleanor Roosevelt once said;" You gain strength,courage and confidence by every experience where you really stop to look at fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take this next thing that comes along.".

But this time round, I ain't sure whether I will be able to gain the strength and confidence. I think this angel is a good gal by nature..except that she keep hitting multiple forks in the path she is travelling on. (read: don't know what she wants). I feel like I am a helicopter circling above her, ready to winch her out of the shit hole while looking at how the situation is developing below.

Just have take things as they come..leave it up to fate to decide..besides, next semester I will be busy with my studies to bother about her..but will I be able to do so? Hopefully her new job will shelter her from the screwed up problem she is facing..

P.S

fy: My reason for changing to this bloggy is half of what I told you. The other half of the reason is that since both you and that ben dan are also involved in issue, I don't want it to affect you all for I don't want you all to be hurt by it.

> 2 comments

Angel's Birthday

[1:06 pm]

Angel's birthday is coming up soon and it happens to fall on our trip to Tioman next week. I am intending to execute a surprise birthday celebration for her over there. Some of you must be asking, "wah liewz, need to sound like planning for a war meh?"..sorry lah, occupational sickness leh...

My ops plan was to email ahead to the resort to help me source for a birthday cake ( I can't bring one there rite?)..and together with fy..we will celebrate under the stars,with lapping waves and sounds of wind as a backdrop at the stroke of 12.

Something thoughtful which is enough..she was asking me over msn whether she will get to have birthday cake over there..I just gave her a non-chalant answer of: "How abt Tau Sar Piah?"..she was disappointed...haha..that should be the way..must teach her a lesson that nothing comes cheap..if not keep taking me for granted..kaoz.

Anyway..it is a secret...shhhh!!!....

> 0 comments

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Keeping a distance...

[9:51 pm]

Went for a run with angel in the evening. Somehow or rather, I can feel there is a distance between us..things certainly have changed since last saturday and sunday. I think she is also feeling the strain though..

It ain't like the last time when we will still tease and make fun of each other everyday over msn or over sms. Reading through her entry, I think the time has come for me to chill out and take a break..somehow or rather, the signs are starting to show..and my gut feelings have never failed me in the past.

My path has been laid out in front of me: That of 6 years in the Air Force serving out my bond, followed by trying to fulfill a once impossible dream of flying..as a commercial pilot. But sometimes, I seem to be deviating from it and instead heading towards a doomed path.

Girls..why are they so fickle-minded? Can't they ever decide what the hell they want in their life?Jumping from one guy to the next..what does that make of them?Would I want a gal like that as a girlfriend?Seems like I am turning my disappointment into hatred and anger..is that correct?

> 1 comments

The aftermath...

[8:50 am]

After going through an "after action review and mission debriefing" with 2 of my friends over at Shanghai, we concluded that it is going to be another screwed-up semester. By the grace of God, my project group remained intact, while sk's group got split up and he is left behind..

Such is the luck of the draw when we leave our fate up to the computer system. Perhaps it is better, since computers are devoid of any emotions when it comes to ensuring everyone has a fair chance. I am left wondering, what if the system is smart enough to recognise the constraints that some of us, those who have failed multiple subjects, face when we draw up our time-table and whether it can give us some leeway..

But this is the real world and reality can be harsh, so I think the system is giving a lesson to naive undergraduates like us, that a guy named Murphy will always rear its head and say "hi" whenever you execute your plan.

After the chaotic subject registration, everyone is drained mentally by all the last minute changes to their time tables, including me..that's why I was too tired even to step out of my home when angel asked me out for durian feast, bbx for a drink at our alternate watering hole, jon and stone at yong's pub.

Final mission round-up:

1) Casualties (Physical): Minimal. Managed to keep at least 90% of the time-table intact.

2) Casualties (Mental) : Post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by advanced projection of stretching individual's capability to the maximum (read: no life left)

> 0 comments

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Subject Registration-an introduction to combat

[7:12 pm]

Went back to school for subject registration and as per the ritual, all of us met back in school to register as we always felt that the computer system is the fastest there.

It is like planning and executing a wartime mission where everyone meet up for a final mission briefing and confirmation. With the cursor poised over the "Confirm Subject Registration" button, one slowly waits for the countdown sequence. The build up of tension can be felt all over the computer lab as the seconds countdown to 11.30..the registration time.

Once the clock hits the time, one hits the button and waits in silent anticipation for all the subjects to be added..while praying out loud to God..then sounds of elation fills the lab when some manages to get what they planned for while some scream out in despair when they don't get what they plan for.

The mad rush towards the academic coordinator begins where everyone rushes to her office hoping that a miracle can happen. Sometime they get what they want sometime they don't. Dejected faces can be seen exiting from the coordinator's office as they contemplate on the next course of action.

The war repeats till it is called off at the end of the day.Every one becomes mentally stressed out and heads home either in elation or dejection.

Moral of the story:What you want and what you get is two different things.

By the way, the angel sms'd me that she will join me for a run tomorrow..but to East Coast Park, because she needs to go down to her school to submit her assignment. She was telling me that I seem distant today by the way I was smsing her, just have to tell her I was busy fighting a war..and that she don't like the way I show my bad temper..an excerpt as follows:

"U r not at work 2day?Is anytig wrong? U seem very distance.."

My reply:
"No lah..back in school for subject registration"

Her reply:
"No lar, juz tot u dnt seem like ur usual self.Mayb im 2 sensitive.If u do hv anytig can tok 2 me"

My reply:
"No lah..have to do some coordination and briefing wif my frens for the registration mah"

Her reply:
"Oic..Tot u angry wif me ley.."

My reply:
"Angry for wat?"

Her reply:
"Haha how i noe..Mayb u menopause leh.."

My reply:
"No lah, juz tat these past few days have been pretty happening, tats why my temper been pretty bad.."

Her reply:
"Dnt tink ppl owe u a living, y let ur mood affect others..E 2nd tig i dnt like abt u is u show ur temper openly"

My reply:
" I have a bad temper and when there are things that alot of effort has been invested and it screws up..I juz blow up.."

Kaoz..I have a bad temper and she has to complain? I am who I am ..my temper has already been tempered to such an extent that I am able to control it. It ain't like when I am younger I am worst..but now it's better liaoz..Even my mom can't control my temper, she want to try..siaoz bo?

The funny thing is, she is trying to make up to me..different from yesterday..time to keep up the defensive shields..haha..

> 2 comments

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Seeking solitude...

[5:41 pm]

Had a talk with my co-pilot during lunch-time..and I am feeling better..even had the audacity to leave office through the back-door at 3.30..haha..

Didn't want to go home so early, so instead I sought solitude at one of my hiding spots. But with all those kids running around and screaming at the top of their lungs, I couldn't find a peaceful spot..in the end I left after an hour..

Reading through her entry, I think she needs to be thrown out to the sea to experience the treacherous storms before she can really learn..that the world out there can be rough..surprising that someone with so much experience in relationships can still be so naive..kaoz..

Been trying to go back to our normal daily banter over msn and she have to say I am trying too hard?isn't it ironic when she was the one who started the cold war and I have to lower my pride to engage her in our daily banter?wtf is wrong with her? She was the one in the wrong when she walked out of us and she should be the one engaging us..not the other way round..kaoz...

So much for being the "good" guy sia...my kindness is being taken as a weakness..

verdict number one: she haven't awaken from her idea.

verdict number two: I am going to fulfill my promise to help her in the assignment and after tomorrow let her be on her own..

verdict number three: I am lucky God is guiding me through these turbulence-causing clouds and I have not refused them..as for her, she has refused the help God has given her (that's us)..so good luck to her..

Am I being too harsh by sentencing her to eternal damnation? Tell me pls fellas..

> 1 comments

Shoring up the fortress..

[8:19 am]

For the past few days, my friends have rallied around me, comforting, guiding me and helping me to shore up my fortress. Jac, contrary to what you said, after the episode of a gal from my school, gx should know, I have started to build up a protective barrier around myself.

My long time friend is right, it is a vicious cycle..when the friend you care for gets hurt,you get hurt and the people around you gets hurt too..the best thing for me to do is to strengthen my fortress so that it won't get weakened again..

When I read your blog, it kinda backed up whatever misforgivings I had..that she is living in denial..that she is clinging to some kind of fantasy and dream she had..even though the truth has been thrown to her face..

For me, I am frustrated that she can't wake up her idea..I guessed you are right that I am starting to get bogged down by her problem..she pulled me out of the shit I had and when I see her in the same situation I had last time, I see it as my mission to pull her out...which is good if she is appreciative...but in this case, she ain't..so it becomes a "search and rescue" mission..to be her safety net when she falls..

As I have put in my previous blog, at least I know when to seek help..you guys are my safety net..at least I know when I fall, there is a net to catch me, thanks!!

> 0 comments

Monday, June 06, 2005

Do I have the will to abandon her?

[3:40 pm]

An abstract that I got from jon..it's fy's blog..something I have been trying very hard to find..

TZ: Till the day you find out my blog, i guess i can only pray for you for things that you will be doing for yourself and Jess. You are a good guy, understand how much you are willing to do for the angel or maybe anyone that you like. But rememeber our lives, e reality has always been cruel. There are just too little things we can do for each other especially if one doesnt even want to pull themselves out of the pithole. No way we can protect them 24/7, man has to pay the price, bear the consequences for whatever they are doing, unless with God's grace and mercy, He decide to do you a miralce in your life. I aint no doc I only know how painful it is to suffer alone, so my helping hand is always there for my buddies, maybe not to pull you out of the pithole totally, but at least to walk with you as long as I can. Dont try to take all the burdens by yourself, she got to learn the lesson in a hard way perhaps. Let tomorrow worries for itself. Friend, I am still going Tioman no matter what hor, so better get things settle between the two of you. Good luck!

Should I really leave her to find her way out? Do I have the will to do so? What if one day she come crying to us..that she realised that we have been right all along?..will I be able to answer to my conscience..my conscience that I should have pulled her out instead of leaving her to her own devices and see her suffer?

My colleague told me that at this juncture of time, I shouldn't abandon her and stand by the shithole and watch her struggling for help without doing anything. It is through all these problems that we learn from each other..to cherish each other..it is because of my love for her that I am doing all this for her he told me.

I am really lost...I feel like crying out but there's no tears left..the heart is feeling very heavy..should I go to my secret spots and seek solace from all these? Or is fy correct in a sense that I am taking all these burdens all by myself?

> 0 comments

New blog..and plenty of problems to air

[8:07 am]

Time to move on..hopefully with this new blog, I can finally disclose all my fears without having to worry about other people's feelings..

Well, I am starting to be confused by the recent turn of events. All these when an angel appeared 1 month plus ago. She is a problem child with no idea what she wants. She annulled her marriage with her ex-husband 3 months into the marriage, got involved with a married man..someone with a kid and perhaps out to look for a fuck-buddy..

And it is because of this latter that is the source of all the problem. All of us in the group knew what the guy wants, which is the best of both worlds. This angel and the guy shared many memories and only broke up recently. She said she wanted to move on because she is tired of everything..yet when a sms or call comes, she can practically drop everything and go to him.

An excerpt from the sms she sent me yesterday:

"I am sorry that I disappointed you guys. You guys deserve a better better friend. Sorry"

My reply:

"I hope you know what you are doing..you broke the trust that jon has given you..as for me,I am just disappointed that you can't wake up your idea."

"And can I safely assumed that you and wrx are back together?"

Her reply:

"No, we have not come back together and never will. I don't know how long I need to forget this person.I'm grateful that fy brought me into the group. I know I have disappointed you guys by leaving last night. I know our friendship is never going to be the same again. I will leave this friendship. I just can't pull myself out of this shithole. I'm sorry.very sorry"

My reply:

"Look..you are still my friend and my angel, the lifeline is there. I will get you out of this shit..I am not going to let you get rid of me."

Her reply:

"I broke the trust. I really don't deserve all this. Why waste your time on someone who refuses to pull herself out. Not worth it.

My reply:

"You pulled me out of mine..I am not going to stand by the sidelines and watch you go into self-destruct mode."

I met her for coffee yesterday afternoon and had a chat over this matter.
She knows its wrong, yet she can't get over herself...her yearning for him. Is it physical attraction, is it his honeyed words? She says I don't understand what she is going through and that I am forcing her to make a choice. Am I doing so? All I know is that she should give up all contact with this fella..and be disciplined enough to say no..is it that difficult?

But it's hard..because they are in the same part-time class..yes thats where they met...jon has told me that this gal is not that simple..she has played the field before..hence she is manipulating me..to me I am a novelty to her...When I go running with her or do other stuff, she is of a total different person altogether. People who don't know us thinks we are a couple..but we are not.

I admit I like her and she knows it..but from what I have seen, she wants a friendship..which I am providing for her. She tells me her problems only when she wants to..but what she don't know is that I know what's happening..with the help of the internet..haha..She says her priority is still on her studies..yet she can't get her mind off this guy..to me, is it feeling of jealousy or feelings of disappointment..that she can't seem to get her act together?

As jon has said, "We ain't God so we can't predict what the future holds for her..maybe this guy is the fated one for her? We will never know. It's her life and we can't control her life..what she wants out of her life, only she herself knows. So don't "kay-gan" and interfere in her problems."

fy added in:"She can make the decisions, which we can only respect..all we can do is to provide a listening ear, a shoulder for her to cry on..that's the best we can do"

They are right..and I am doing it..but whenever I see her struggling with those inner demons..I feel like jumping in and pulling her out..can someone tell me whether I am doing the right thing?

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