When the work stress and frustrations beckons, you just need to find a way to vent it off. What better than to hit the track and run a few laps?

And there's where you went, putting yourself through the paces and hoping that the back injury doesn't complicate things. Even though the mileage clocked may not be significant compared to the heydays, it's still a progress. You know that slowly but surely, you will be able to get back to those heydays.

As you ran and focused on the breathing, you felt better. With each exhalation, you felt the stress being expelled out of the body. And with every inhalation of air, you feel yourself being energized. You relish the adrenaline which courses through the body and rivulets of sweat indicating the fats crying to the torture you have put it through.

Short of drinking which numbs and relaxes the body after a long stressful day, you are going to put in more effort on running to reduce the stress. If only...

   

As you basked in the glow of the setting sun with a plastic cup of home-made beer (note to self: this would be one of the essentials for the new house besides the coffee maker) by the balcony, you muse at the irony of life. Just two days ago on Christmas day, you received a piece of sad news, one which led you to question on the fragility of life.

Your course-mate's older brother passed on suddenly from a heart attack at a young age of 36. Given that there's only 2 siblings, the group of friends mobilized and helped out by being there. In fact, you didn't know what you could do except to spent the night making sure things were alright.

As you brought your tired body into your home, you were greeted by the lively laughter of your little nephew. No matter how tired you were, just the giggly and kicking little one has made the somber day better. It's ironic that you were looking at death one day and looking at life the next.

Perhaps it's Heaven's way of reminding you to cherish your life and live it to the fullest without any regrets; that to treat people with kindness and to cherish every moments spent with those who matter, for one day either you and them may not be there anymore. 

   

2 more days and Christmas would be here. 

But somehow, you don't seem to be in that lighthearted mood which Christmas tends to make one feel. As you walked along the busy streets of Orchard shopping for Christmas gifts, you saw many happy faces as they caught up with friends or in the company of their loved ones enjoying the Christmas light-up.

You have also been able to spend the week leading to Christmas with friends over dinner and drinks. From volunteering to pick up the tab in one of the gatherings to buying presents for gifts exchange, you enjoyed their company and the uplifting of your spirits it brought. Somehow your emotional battery bank was replaced by that lack of someone special to spent this occasion with.

But that feel-good factor can only last so long before you feel lonely again. And it's during times like these that your thoughts turn to J. You wonder how she is spending her Christmas and hope with all your heart that she would have a better Christmas than you. And looking back, you never even had that opportunity to spend it with her.

While you are always wishing for a Christmas miracle, the pragmatic part of you will perhaps sleep through the Christmas eve celebrations and countdown. 

During your flying training days, you remembered that you had problems landing the training aircraft. It was one of your darkest moments as you knew that without a successful landing, you would not be able to fly solo. Compared to your cohort of cadet pilots, you were lagging behind as they started to fly their solo sorties, in preparation for their Private Pilot Licence check-ride.

But you always remembered your flight instructor's teachings; that you shouldn't compare yourself with others because each individual is unique with their unique talents. If one has to compare, the only person to fight and to better would be oneself.

In fact these words of wisdom has stuck with you ever since. When moments which your efforts did not commensurate with the results you felt you were deserving of, you would look back to those difficult moments of flying training. The words of wisdom were your salvation when moments of self-doubt strikes and you would feel somewhat comforted that it could had been worst.

You would also remind yourself that you have done your best and the most important thing was that you had learnt something out of it. Someday, your efforts would be recognized and appreciated by those who matter. For the best is yet to be.   

 

As you sat at this unique cafe by the airport sipping a cold beer and enjoying a slice of cake after finishing work early, a phrase came to your mind; "Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed".

Even though one may have high expectations of themselves, one must also learn to manage their own expectations. It was with this spirit when you checked out the exam results. Despite fearing for the worst (a D for durian) for one of the papers, you were pleasantly surprised to have gotten a better grade. And compared to your university days, you are just glad to have passed. 

Through your grades, you know that you are not a superstar student, nor you are a smart one. But you do know that if you have put in the effort, the hard work would be rewarded. Well, in this case, the reward is learning something and applying it in practice. As for the grades, its just a formality to ensure that you meet the course requirements.

 

Weekends have never felt so..empty. Where your weekends were previously spent studying in school/library, you suddenly feel that you have to find ways to keep yourself occupied. You wonder how you are going to spend your weekends when you finish your program next semester.

While it's a given that you would be volunteering your time after your exams till the Nation's birthday celebrations, you would still need to keep yourself occupied after that. In fact, you have given some thought to it.

You want to start flying again, to maintain your flying currency and to be reminded that you are still a pilot. Even though you may be flying General Aviation (GA) aeroplanes and not commercial jets, the feeling of soaring through the wild blue yonder remains the same. Given that you are rusty since you have gotten back for more than a year, you would need to break out your flight school notes to revise. But it's necessary, for the safety of yourself and the safety of the others whom you may one day share the beautiful heavens with.

Having explore the depths and the skies, it's also high time to conquer the seas. Hence you are going take up a boat licence with a couple of friends. With the licence, you would be able to explore the Southern Islands and other gems which lies undiscovered. 

You hope that with an active life-style in 2016, the noisy mind will remain calm and not miss J too much. Sometimes you just wonder how come the bond still exists after having been broken for so long. But many things in life can never be explained, just like how you miss her at nights like this.   

With Christmas being a jolly good season, its small wonder that the town would be packed. Even the rains did not dampen the celebratory mood, as everyone is in town shopping for presents or just enjoying the light-up. Even though you want to soak in the celebratory mood, you keep thinking about this paradox.

While the restless part of you wants to grab the camera and tripod out to capture the beautiful lights, the quiet part of you would rather stay at home with a book and a glass of wine. You wonder whether the reluctance to soak in the atmosphere is due to a lack a partner-in-crime to join in the fun or whether its attributed to the fact that you have outgrown the adventurous phase of your life.

Maybe it's a combination of both. 

When you think of a partner-in-crime, your thoughts still turns to J. In this cooling weather, all you want to do is to cuddle in each other's arms on the sofa by the bay windows with a glass of wine and books. Even now, as you think of her, you still feel the butterflies in the stomach, your breathing and heartbeat quickens.

But you snap yourself back to reality. You chide yourself for being such a hopeless romantic. You have to remind yourself (again) that things have changed. You are not the ONE. She is better off not knowing that you thinking of her in this cooling and quiet night as you stand by the window with a glass of wine.

You decided to head off to Penang after your exams to recharge, rejuvenate and refocus on your priorities in life. In fact, it has been planned a year ago and you had wanted to share this charming place with someone special back then.

Someone special.

But it won't happen anymore and you went off solo, just like many other trips you have been on. After a hiatus of 4 years, Penang has changed alot. It's as the UNESCO heritage site is struggling to strike a balance between the retaining the charm of the past while modernizing for the future. Many of the historic sites have been commercialize to an extent that it reminds you of Singapore's Arab street.

For someone who is sentimental about the past, it's kind of disappointing as you would prefer that the place stay as it is to remind the future generations of the real past. But that's how life is; you have to keep moving on without looking back. Furthermore, there's no point in staying in the past when others have moved on without you. You just have yourself to blame for disappointing and hurting her so deeply.

Coincidentally, today marks their first wedding anniversary. While you wonder how they would be celebrating this milestone, you hope that they are still as happy and loving as ever. It's nothing more you can ask, for her happiness is more important than yours, then, now and forever.

As you looked backed a year ago, you remembered watching the procession enter the checkpoint. It was your own day of infamy (if you have watched Pearl Harbour, you will understand what it meant). The devastation that followed worried many close friends as you struggled to cope with the loss. Despite, burying the pain beneath a mask of smiles, but they could see that you are hurting from the emotional outbursts.

No one would doubt your love for her, including the amount of depression you went through and it took a lot of from them to drag you out from the abyss you have felt. They cared a lot about you and they just wanted you to get back on your feet to be the hopelessly optimistic person that you once were. 

In fact, these few days of solitary travel have allowed you come to terms with it; to acknowledge that everything has been cast in stone and she is not going to come back to you anymore. The special memories you once shared are already history, to be remembered and reminisced on those nights when the stars are aligned. 

"要活的更高兴，活的更精彩" was what you have told a friend who is also coping with the same loss as you. Perhaps, that's why both of you were able to relate and help each other along the way. You will live as if tomorrow is going to be your last, live better than yesterday while looking to what the future may bring. 

Happy anniversary to you, J.

You can finally heave a sigh of relief that the exams are finally over and that you are left with just one semester. The paper yesterday has been a challenging one which left you exhausted at the end of it. Despite listening to the recordings of the lecture a few times, you couldn't remember some of the concepts and just wrote in a creative manner. It doesn't help that you overran on the time limit you have set per question which resulted in you rushing through the final question without proper analysis.

While the exams have stretched you to your mental capacity limits (which some may say it isn't much to start with), it has been a fruitful semester. Even though the hope of getting an "Apple" has always been the desired outcome, you have come to realize that grades doesn't matter as long as you have learnt something new.You are able to apply the lessons learnt to your present job and to justify your existence, which was the intent when you signed up for this program.

Well, now that it's over, there's nothing much you can do, except to hope and pray that you will pass these exams. It's time now to utilize the remaining part of the leave to recharge, rejuvenate, refocus and review your own action plans for the years ahead.

As the adrenaline from the aftermath of the first paper circulates through the body preventing you from any sleep, you thought it would be apt to just pen down your thoughts. Mentally, the brain is exhausted from the fast data processing wrought during the 3 hour paper as you analyzed and penned down your perceived answers.

Given that the questions were largely application-based, you had a tough time trying to link the concepts learnt (and memorized) into real-time applications.You did what you could, trying to use the art of confusion to convince the assessor through liberal application of creative writing.

This paper has left you demoralized and upset, and in need of a drink (which you eventually did, though limiting yourself to a glass of wine) when it was over. Despite sharing a few nervous laughs and bitching about the way the paper was set, you felt disturbed. Even that long drive home from school at nerve-wrecking speeds did little to soothe the ruffled feathers. 

Lost and insecure, you wished someone could be there to comfort you. All you wished at that point in time was a warm embrace from her and a kiss on the forehead to tell you it would be ok. Alas, you have exposed your armour and shown your vulnerability. This will get you into trouble and you have to remind yourself not to do it anymore.