Saturday, July 30, 2005
Ironic...Thoughts for the day..Looking at death..
My weekend is being wasted away slowly..allow me to elaborate further. I had to go to school this morning for a make-up lecture..not those that you do to the face!!..extra classes to replace those cancelled on Wednesday.
Instead of driving to school, I took the train..which surprisingly, took me just an hour. Spent the time poring through a novel titled: "Tuedays with Morries"..a book on life..that's a good book which teaches one how to embrace life and live life to the fullest..highly recommended!!!!..and stealing glances at this jude looking gal who boarded and alighted at the same stop as me...never approached her though..just too shy to do so..haha..
The lecture theatre was like 1/2 packed, which, wasn't surprising considering the fact that it is a saturday. Now, what I am going to say sounds ironic but I just have to get it off my chest. Uni students can be so disrespectful...they don't bother to switch their handphones to the silent mode and when it goes off during class, they scramble to answer the phone and yet whisper into it..now how ironic can that be?
I mean, how difficult is it to just switch the phone to the silent mode? Granted that you have forgotten to do so and the phone rings, finish the call or the message and switch it to the silent mode lah..some of these idiots just leave it as it is..damn irritating sia..the best that can happen is when the bugger falls asleep and the phone is ringing away merrily..shiok right?..stupid idiots, how I wish their phones can self-destruct after ringing for more than 5 secs..
Anyway, after the miserable lecture, yes it was miserable due to the heavy rain and the lecturer was sucky..I think I will have to depend on myself again. Went to the library to get some reference textbooks for one of the modules which I am having a problem on..but it wasn't any good..guess I will have to talk to the lecturer for some recommendations.
Taking the train down to Orchard, many thoughts came to my mind..that of loneliness, a yearning for companionship, someone for me to love and be loved in return..am I getting onto the desperate bandwagon? My life nowadays revolves around school, my uni friends, supper and beer sessions with bbx and harald..and of course, making trips down to hospital to visit gramps..
Heck, I have to take a online stress management course to better plan and ultilise my time more effectively..that I have done by re-configuring my school timetable to include revision, tutorials and sports activities. Sunday is definitely a family day for me..to spend more time with my family..chill out by some place and read my novels.
As for gramps, the situation looks grim..just have to be prepared for the worse..that's what the doc said. It's up to her to fight this battle..
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Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Post-school reopening trauma..
Almost a week has passed since the start of the new academic year. The days seem to pass by in a blur; rushing from lectures to lectures, trying to purchase lecture notes from the jam-packed photo-copying shop, trying to change the tutorial timings and of course, rushing to visit gramps after school.
Gramps had another hole drilled into her skull this afternoon, to drain away the blood on her right brain. Her condition has already stabilised but she is still unconcious..oh well, this takes time..she will recover and wake up soon.
Anyway, I have talked to mom and she has okayed my scaling back of visiting time coz of my studying..I havent been able to keep up my revision. I will now visit her every weekend instead.
The lectures I have been attending are mostly different from the rest of them...we only meet up when we have core lectures..so sometimes it can be kinda lonely..haha. I tend to use the time to catch up on my revision or if the time in-between classes are long, I will go for a swim and tan or visit the gym to tone up those flabby muscles.
I think I will reserve my saturday mornings for my runs, afternoons for studying..but I will have to find a studying spot..ntu perhaps?..hmmzz..but I kinda don't want to drive there and study..hmmzz..guess I will wait and see..
Most of the modules I am taking this semester are pretty mathematical-based..statistics and probability...which I have a love-hate relationship with..just have to work harder and smarter I guess..
Haiz..kanbadei!!!!
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Sunday, July 24, 2005
School-term is starting again..time to go back and fight another battle again. But I just have to endure another a year or so before I graduate (hopefully) and go back and serve the Force.
It will also be the time where I can start to bask in the warmth and safety of my university mates. Hopefully, I will be able to scrap through this semester without any problems.
Gramps is still in ICU..and she is still unconcious..even though she is responding to our voices..her heart beat goes up when we speaks to her and she is moving her eyeballs, her arms and legs..just that she aint waking up at all.
Her prognosis aint good. After speaking to the doc on friday, we were told she would only have 10-15% chance of full recovery..now the rest is up to her will power...they have tried their best to save her life..and her condition is stabilising. All she needs to do now is to wake up so that the docs can put her off the life support machine and do a battery of tests to ensure she is fully awake.
But now...haiz..she aint waking up...all the relatives are praying for her and have made multiple trips to the hospital to talk to her..hopefully she can wake up..
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Thursday, July 21, 2005
Hanging up the dress blues..
Today is the last day of myshort but fruitful service in the Force. Tomorrow I will go on leave and take a short break before plunging myself into the abyss. An abyss where the difference is just pass or fail.
This will be the time where I hope to do my utmost to perform to the best of my ability..and to show that if one can conceive it and achieve it, anything will be possible.
Anyway, went back to school today with Matrix and Roy to purchase the lecture notes for next semester. But in the end, I only managed to get 2 sets of notes. The rest of the notes wasn't available..oh well, we can't have the best of everything can we?..Just have to wait till the semester starts to get the textbooks and lecture notes then..speaking of which..hopefully the textbooks don't cost me a bomb..because I still have a 10 year game plan to think of..haha
When you people reading all these, you might think:"Damned, this guy got it all figured out..I bet he do not have any problems at all.." But let me tell you, everybody have their fair share of problems, it's just how we handle them in an unbiased manner.
Take my case for example, for the past 2 days, I have been shuttling between the hospital and home, visiting grandma. She is now in under ICU care after undergoing an emergency operation in the head to remove the excess blood. Apparently she fainted and knocked her head against the window of the bus while on the way to work. This caused a blood vein in her head to burst, thus flooding the brain with blood...luckily she was operated on immediately, if not her life would be in danger.
Looking at her once healthy demeanour being reduced to such a state brought tears to my eyes. She is just lying there with all the tubes coming out of her mouth and a draining tube poking out of her head. At least she is responding to the sounds and moving around even though she is under sedation.
And it is during this eipsode that shows the fragment in the family too. 2nd uncle, who is half-enstrangled from the family did not make an attempt to visit his mom..maybe he did but maybe we weren't there. He had the cheek to say that he was busy and can't leave his factory. I was like..wtf? Your mom is lying in the hospital under intensive care and you can say that you are busy?!!!
Heck, isn't your family suppose to be the first priority when there's an emergency? Seems like my impression of him has scrapped the bottom..no wonder mom is so angry. And mom, she has to forgo her endoscopy to look after gramps..she has to ..under the urging of us 4 siblings to undergo the endoscopy to determine the cause of her constant pain in the lower abdoment area.
All I hope for is that both of them will get well soon...School's starting soon and I will have to start prioritising on the issues at hand.
So God, please provide me with the guidance to fly through this storm and land safely in the fields of gold.
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Monday, July 18, 2005
Remember the projects I was doing for the higher-ups the other time? Out of kindness, I backdoored a copy to some of my course-mates who are in the battalion.And guess what?
Some idiot have the cheek to say that I am trying to act smart by giving them slides which are of inferior quality..things that all everybody trained in the systems should know. I was like, WTF? And this idiot have the cheek to say that it's for my own good.
I was pretty pissed by his comment. I was like, come-on, even though I am not current on the operational aspects, my background knowledge on the systems are still sound...and I know what the higher-ups want..what is he to lecture me on the system capability?
At least my good buddy gave me a call to console me..telling me not to bother about people like him. I am glad my buddy gave me the necessary help required for the system capabilities. He also kept me up-to-date with the current operational issues affecting us.
Actually I am happy to have a buddy like him...looking back, I think both of us went through so much crap together during training..you name it we did it..after so long we are still full of crap..haha..it's because of people like him, that makes working in the force that much better.
Oh well, enough of the complaining, I shouldn't bother about people who are not appreciative of my efforts..and that applies to people outside the force too.
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Sunday, July 17, 2005
Been too tired to update bloggy for the past few days. The Division's 1oth anniversary uphill run nearly gave me a heart attack, not to mention a whole load of muscle aches the following day.
But it was a time to meet up with some long-lost colleagues in the service..people who have made an impact during my short period in the force..my former service-term instructor, my weapon-phase commanders; one of whom wrote my scholarship application. It was also a time to make new friends..they are the controllers who we worked with on many exercises and operations, but never met in person before..so it was a sort of "oh, you are the one. Tough job on the ground eh?"
But it was quite a good exposure..because it is always good to have contacts in the force, we can always help each other one way or the other. After the makan session, I went home, chilled-out for a while before bringing little boy down to Punggol Park for a drink with a friend cum school mate from the service.
Met Jon for a drink yesterday to clear up the storm. He told me how he felt over the whole issue. He felt he wasn't in the wrong for he saw that things won't work out between me and jess anymore..and he, in no way intruded into the things between us. He came into the picture by accident. He didn't bent on falling for her...well..that I will leave it up to you fellas to decide.
Oh well, to me, for the first week of the incident I was pretty peeved by this epsiode. However by the second week I felt that I needed a realignment of my priorities. I have branched out on a path which I shouldn't have trodden on. Suffice to say, I was distracted. I should had sticked to the path I am on, focus on the studies, and with that settled, a good career lies ahead for me. With luck, I might even meet someone who appreciates me and is willing to love me for who I am.
Well, at least I have not lost a friend over this matter, except that things will not be the same as before. We must always move forward in life without looking back.The only time we do look back is when we learn from the mistakes we made. I know what Jon's next course of action is..and hopefully he can learn that we can choose to make our life better and not leave it up to destiny to dictate.
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Somehow or rather, I have been pretty lazy lately. I have not been keeping up to my thrice weekly running schedule..especially since I have cleared my IPPT..yeah..got a silver for that and I am not that pleased at all..
I have promised myself to attempt it again and train up for it..but alas the body doesn't seem to be responding to the mind's commands...haha...and these few days I have been feasting on junk food..doritos, oreos and chocolate and that is way too unhealthy for me..
Tomorrow, I will go for a swim and a bask under the sun...since I took the morning off. Supposed to accompany mom for her specialist appointment, but in the end she cancelled it as she was still on medication. Well..since I have finished my assigned projects, I should go for a short break.
There seems to be a tinge of loneliness in me..especially since after the episode. What seems like an events-packed week in the past has now returned to a standard routine..one that is characterised by the cycle of work, home, surf the net, reading my novel and sleep. Am I much more happier this way?..Yes and no.
In the daytime, when I am at work, I can be assured of plenty of laughter and fat-chewing with my colleagues..but once I reach home, it seems like I am there is an emptiness in me..a sort of restlessness. I want to hit the books and stat revising for the upcoming semester, but the heart is ruling the mind as usual..haha..
Hopefully, when the semester begins, I can immerse myself fully in my school work and relieve the emptiness in my heart and soul..even though I have a love-hate relationship with school. At least it keeps me busy enough not to think of too much things.
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Monday, July 11, 2005
Work Work and more work!!
Finally submitted one of my assigned projects to the end user (read:higher headquarters) for vetting. So with luck, it will be approved and implemented as a training aid for the new kids (keeping fingers crossed).
As for the next assignment, having finished it, I was about to submit it..in the end, due to lack of storage space on the server, the whole computer crashed and with it, my slides...kaoz..
In the end, spent the whole day doing the slides, saving them..only to have them crash for the second time..wtf? After troubleshooting the problem, I narrowed it down to the mailbox..which was tied to the server of my account. After deleting all the useless stuff..I managed to save the slides I have did for the 3rd time..
Tomorrow I just have to continue on finishing it and submit it up to the higher-ups for vetting. Argh..what a GREAT start to the work week..
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Sunday, July 10, 2005
Dear Jess,
Will I forget you? In a world I seldom understand,there are winds of destiny that blow when we aren't prepared for it.There are times when they gust with a fury of a typhoon and there are times when they are just a breeze caressing our faces.
But we cannot run or hide away from these winds as they bring about a future that we could never hope for. You, my angel, is the wind I never did anticipated, the wind that has gusted more than I ever expected...and I thought you were my destiny.
Like a fortified harbour,I tried to protect myself from the typhoons and treacherous seas and lost many ships instead. I was a fool to ignore all these ships until you came into my plain view one fine day. Even fools have feelings and I realised that you could be the ship that I could provide shelter for.
I know I am not perfect. I have made more mistakes in these few months than some could ever made in many years. I have created plenty of holes in the piece of wood which is irreparable..but all these was done out of my love for you.You penetrated several layers of my defences till I almost surrendered.
But I was wrong to ignore what was obvious..that winds do change direction. Like a sail boat, you followed where the winds led you to..another safe harbour where you can safely dock...leaving my fortress harbour bleeding and vulnerable to another typhoon.
As I write, I am struggling with grief..someone whom I loved with all my heart and soul.Even though we might never see each other again, there's a part of me that wants to hold on to you forever..to cure all the pain and uneasiness in your eyes.It would be easy for me to do that for starting to love another gal will diminish my memories of you.
Yet this is ironic..even though I still miss you at times, it is because of you I do not dread the future as you have given the hope and confidence to love again. You have taught me that it is possible to move on with life..no matter how bad it is..and in a way, you have made me believe that love cannot be denied.
Because of you, I have the strength to go on and I hope that there will come a day when my sadness is replaced by something more beautiful. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me the memories which I will cherish forever.
The devil
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Whewz..finally I can heave a sigh of relief after clearing up some backlog of procrastinated stuff..let's see:
1) Finally done up the solar film for big boy..as an additional treat, I gave him some mask to protect his bright eyes and tails..
2) Finished reading my book " Message in a bottle"...and it has inspired me to write a letter which I will post later..haha..
3)Succumb to my IT geek side by getting an iPod mini with a FM receiver at Apple's webby for $423..
4)Started on my next money saving project..that is to save up for the renovation of my future house..at least I am planning ahead ok?..
5) Gave big boy and thorough cleaning up after enduring all the grime and mud for the past one month..that is how often I clean up my car..I don't have a choice do I..it is just too big..
Anyway, I think I am on the road to recovery and with the help of everyone dear to me, I think I will be able to fly through this turbulent patch of sky.
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Saturday, July 09, 2005
Forgiving and forgetting?
Spent the day trying to rest the aching body...all this caused by the IPPT I took yesterday. Didn't manage to secure a Gold though..all because of my running.Seems like I will have to condition myself by running under the hot weather.
The route was pretty good compared to the rest of the routes but the sun was beating down ferociously while I was running. Well, all I can say is that good things don't come easy and you will have to work on it if you want to achieve it.So my next attempt will be in 2 weeks time when I challenge the odds again.
But today wasn't meant to be my day of rest.Instead I tried to do some running at ecp under the burning 10+ sun. Maybe it was due to physical exhaustion or lack of hydration, I gave up after running 1 km+ and walked the rest of the 3km..haha..guess I need to get back into shape again..haha.
After running, I sent my car to a shop recommended by bbx for servicing. The price is pretty ok..considering the fact that if I serviced at the OEM, it would had cost more..besides the usual oil and filter change (they used those sports oil), I changed sparky to those of iridium types for more power. The response was considerably better and the engine sounded smoother..and I pampered the big boy with a full tank of v-power petrol. Next on the itineary will be to change the air filter to those sports-type to increase the air flow and ultimately, the performance.
Anyway, back to the topic of the day. After seeking solitude at one of secret spots, I have finally come to a conclusion that it ain't worth the effort to waste a friendship of 10 years just because of a gal..a gal who, initially was interested in me, but fell for this friend of mine instead after an incident.
Perhaps, this gal is not meant for me,not my cup of tea..even though we might have the same interests and same wavelength on many issues in life. Looking back, it is because she still hadn't figured out what she wants in her life that made me realised that she ain't the one ba..
I guess my kind of gal should be someone who has same interests as me, same outlook on life and most of all, know what she wants in life.So people, help me keep a lookout please..haha!!!
This episode has given me a greater understanding on how gals can destroy a friendship and when finding a galfriend, the best is to protect one's interests and not let anyone know too much..OPSEC as they say in military parlance.Well for now, my friendship with jon will still remain though, but it won't be the same certainly..
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Thursday, July 07, 2005
Time..the healing medicine?
Met up with fy for dinner just now and had a discussion over the whole episode. What she said was also right..that since jess wasn't my galfriend to begin with,there are no hard and fast rules regarding who can go after her...including jon..so technically he has not broken any of my trust..well that is something I would need time to figure out though..
Emotions are something we cannot control and we can't dictate who we fall in love with..it just happens just like a snap of fingers. The feelings of anger is slowly being replaced by feelings of disappointment..which is starting to harden the fortress heart again..maybe I should give them my blessings ba..but then again, seeing them together will sure make me feel uncomfy..how long will it take for the pain to go away?..it all depends on me I guess..
Perhaps like what fy said..it is a plan by the guy's upstairs to let me improve on myself..looking back, my running sure has improved by leaps and bounds....jess gave me the confidence to step out of my isolation cell..
I think the healing process has started...thanks to all of my friends who stood by me..thanks..
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Wednesday, July 06, 2005
The beginning of the end?
What a midweek today was..I am still feeling down..how should I describe it? It seems like my heart has dropped to the bottom of the pits and I am trying hard not to break into tears..weak shit am I? It feels as if a once-repaired glass has shattered again..
I have been suppressing these feelings through my work. It ain't good..but at least it keeps me occupied..my colleague accidentally read the email jess sent to me..while i trying to log out of yahoo mail..damn the mail system!!..He knew something was wrong but never questioned anything..I respect him for that..
I am seeking solace with the guys up there..asking them for guidance through this turbulent skies. When I went down loyang with harald, memories of her coming with me to pray came flooding back. She was the first gal that I took with me to "pai sin"...not even sharon had the honor.
I don't know when I will be ready to talk to the two of them..one a friend who have braved through the storms with me for 10+ years, while the other is a gal whom I thought I could have a future with. Harald told me about the conversation bbx had with jon the other day regarding the bbq. And I started to recall about mine with jon which was posted previously...
The reason for calling it off is plain simple..the atmosphere will be tense if not akward for sure..how can anyone go when something like this has happened? I owe it to bbx and harald for taking the initiative to protect me from further hurt..but what I worry about is fy..I think she must have taken it upon herself that she has indirectly caused all this.
I have never blamed her at all...it is due to one person's lack of situational awareness that has caused all these..no pun intended. Warnings were given, not from me, but from the rest of the people..but no preventive measures were drawn up. I have expected it for a long time..I just couldn't confront my friend of so many years for his actions. If no wrong signals or actions have been given, there won't be today..
I guess I have been dwelling on these matters too much already..it's time to move on..but will I be able to step out of this shadow and move on? Will the glass be as strong as the original glass when it has been glued back?
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Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Lost?Angry?Disappointed?..How should I describe my feeling?
Am I doing the right thing? Have I been too naive and trusting to the people around me? These are the questions that have been bugging me for the past 2 nights.
I sms'd jon of my answer to him in the evening..below is a transcript:
me:"Do what you think its right. We are still friends."
jon:"Bro,do you think you will be cooled down to have bbq this sat? I will still be
with jess if i think its right,but its mutual understanding,and will you
forgive me for the path i took?"
me:"I don't know whether I will be able to forgive you for betraying my trust. It
hurts me more than losing jess."
jon:"bro, straight up, what do you mean i betrayed you? i did nothing, i told
what i think is gonna happen.not because its happened.if i were to play you
out,i would not have told you all the truth last night.i would have kept it a
a secret all along.my conscience is clear, just that i feel bad, but i did not
betray you.further more, you implying that the whole world can pursue jess
but not me? i am not arguing my case here, but your 2nd msg makes me
boil"
me:"My fren, you knew it was coming, yet you did nothing to prevent it.The
fact that you asked me out proves it all.."
Do I have the right to feel this way?Especially since jess was the one who kept trying to be with him, but he didn't do anything to prevent it..knowing that I was going after her..is it a betrayal of trust? I understand that he is not taking this easy either..but how about me? The fact that he could have put a stop to all these things in the early stages when things were still neutral between them, proves alot of things
As for jess, she sent me an email in the late morning trying to explain herself. Reading through the mail, I could sense that she is sad..but how about me? I am also sad..I told her how I felt over this whole episode..and asked her to ask herself these questions; "Have she been attracted to me at all or have she been making use of me all these while?"..she would be crying for all those harsh things I said..but I don't give a damn anymore..because I gave her so many chances and my all to making it work..she didn't appreciate it and treated me like a fool instead.
I asked myself this question today..what if they do really end up together and out of the blue they got into an argument..she comes crying to me for solace? Will I be able to turn her away?That's a question which I do not have the answer to for now.
But what I do know is that I need to cool off things for now ...that's why I won't be meeting up with them less fy..I don't know how uncomfortable I will feel when I see them..but that's my problem..but all I know is that things won't be the same again.
Leaving with a poem I gleamed from the intranet:
"I wish I can step out of your shadow and be free of all pain.
But it has become a curse that I can't run away from.
When will the time come where I can finally spare myself?
Of the sorrows that still lingers behind?"
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The truth is out...and my gut was correct...this time round I wasn't in the wrong..the fact that jon asked me out for a drink proved that he has fallen in love with angel and he is "asking" me whether it is brother or gal..things he shouldn't be asking if he had known what he is doing...
I ain't a smart person nor am I a smooth talker like jon..but through my own eyes I can see what's happening..I am hurt by it and have lost my trust in someone which I have known for 10 over years..all it takes is for an episode like this to see one's character..if he hadn't been giving the wrong ideas..it won't had happen this way..we are still friends but things will never be the same again.
Let me elaborate abit..if jon had known what he was doing, he would had cut off all contact with her and drawn the line..but looking at the fact that he was asking me for my opinion proves that he is guilty..that he wants to lessen his guilt by letting me assure him..that it ain't his fault...
I can handle anything be it studies, career or whatsoever..but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am just someone simple who hopes to find the gal I can love whole heartedly and settle down with..not someone who treats me like a fool..someone whom can take advantage of...
Both of them are smart persons..people who have played the field..unlike me,who is always on the search for someone whom I can spend my life with..to add in something..I was controlling myself from crying during the whole episode..it is not because of angel that I am crying..but it is because of an action of a friend..someone with whom I have known for 10 over years..I have already seen it coming and hence I have kept a distance from angel..but to have someone
dear to me doing this to me..it really breaks my heart...
Maybe you are reading it ..but all I can tell you is that things will never be the same again...but you are still my friend..thanks for introducing me to this harsh and realistic world.
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Monday, July 04, 2005
Is my worst nightmare coming true?
Finally, I have completed something that I wanted to do all along..to get an Advanced Open Water certification. But I am not elated over it..why?
Many things have happened while I was up North over the weekend. And it is between me, angel and jon. The fear of angel going for jon has always lingered in my mind...especially after I have read her bloggy (before she changed it). After looking through fy's bloggy, all the jigsaw puzzles started falling into place.
Things between the three of us will never the same after I meet up and confirm my suspicions with jon..jon..buddies for 10+ years, after numerous pubbing, camping trips and an overseas trip..will it still be the same?
I don't know how I feel now..is it betrayal of trust? or is it because he lost his code of honor by taking away a gal whom I really love?But am I right to feel this way..since angel wasn't mine in the beginning? Then again, that ben dan ain't feeling better too. I guess it is tearing him apart and perhaps he is trying to figure out the best course of action..that will suffice later when I meet up with him for drinks.
As for angel, she is the first person that I could really fall heads-over-heels with..after sharon got married. The feeling is similar to that of sharon when I first saw her. When she got married, I began a self-imposed isolation..I became a loner..going trekking in the mountains and diving with strangers. Friends thought I was fine, but only those really close to me, jac,robin,gx and fy really knew the pain I felt..
I tried to break out of the isolation by dating a few gals in my faculty, but it didn't work out..till I met angel. She brought me out of my isolation and gave me hope..but this time round..I don't know..I really don't know.
Can someone tell me what I should do?
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Friday, July 01, 2005
Thursday...just another day..
Just came back from a drink with Rakesh..as per normal, we spent the time shooting crap about school, gals..etc..Angel was also there with her friend..no..not wrx..but another girlfriend she has known since school days.
She sat with her friend while I was at over at another table bullshitting with thambi..hee..After her friend left, she joined my table and we just talked rot with thambi...haha..
Anyway..I told her that the time has come to pay her dues and that her duty is to look after the 2 buggers and make sure that they are ok. I know both of them ain't like me in a sense that whenever I have a problem, I will go look for my friends and pour my own heart out. They ain't like that..they would rather keep the problems to themselves and wait till they can't take it and break down..
Perhaps it is due to their personal pride that they rather keep it to themselves..haiz..why?
I don't know man..but I hope things will turn for the better after my diving trip.
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