Sunday, November 27, 2011
The long road to recovery..
The scare is over. She didn't get pregnant. When she told me about it, I was elated. That was the best news I heard and it happened on my birthday. In fact we celebrated my birthday in a quiet and simple affair. She has been the best birthday present I have gotten in my life and there's nothing much I can ask for anything.
When we went out on Friday night, I knew that she likes me but she is not admitting it. Our relationship has transcend to that of beyond friendship to somewhere just short of a full-fledged relationship. In fact, for those who do not know us that well would have thought that we are in a relationship.
But she is still in the midst of walking out of the affair. While I can be there to support her and keep her sanity in check, there's only so much I can do. A friend who managed to walked out of it told me that alot depends on her and acknowledged that I can only do so much.
I can only talk to her constantly to make her more sensible as the married man is just making use of her hunger for emotional and physical needs to make her come back for more. Its going to be a long and difficult journey for her. But I am not going to let her walk this alone. Even though it can be emotionally draining at times, I just hope that she can walk of it, even if I sacrifice myself in the process.
Is it worth it, many people asked me? Perhaps its my karma. But I must constantly remind myself not to get too emotionally involved. I must not judge her and trust her to walk out of it. I will continue to be her pillar of support when she needs me.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Thursday, November 17, 2011
She texted me this morning asking me to forgive her no matter what happens this Saturday, and that I should not be angry or bear grudges.
Well, what stemmed from the above text message was that we are going for a SDU-organised event this coming Saturday. The thing is that the ratio of girls-to-guys is 19:5, which means that its going to be 1 v 5. So when I saw the message, it struck me as a surprise. Why is she doing this?
Is she going to advertise me to the rest of the ladies during the event? Is she going to chummy up with one of the guys there so as to drive a point across? What is she thinking?
In fact when I think about it, I think she cares alot about my feelings. While we can connect very well, I can't never fathom what is on her mind sometimes. When we are out together, people who do not know us will think that we are in a relationship by our actions. But her holding answers to me are always;
1. I am not the right type of guy for her. She knows what she wants.
2. She is a bad girl and don't deserve such a nice guy like me.
3. I should not hold any hopes that we will end up together at all.
I always think that, if someone doesn't have any interest in you, she will just totally shut you out and not go out with you every week and tell you her problems. When I look at it from another angle, I feel that she needs a companion who can connect with her. And I happened to fit the bill. While she knows that I am chasing after her, she has never taken advantage of me.
In fact, she is always asking me to move on, because she knows that it's not fair for me. And I have always told her that I will never hesistate to move on once I have found someone as good, if not better than her. But if I can't find anyone better, then she is the ONE.
While she has no lack of suitors, she is looking for the ONE who she can love, which runs contradictory to what she said in the first place. Seems like to her, Love stems from feelings, which is chemistry..but she did say that Love is not a feeling, but a conscious
decision. A feeling might change over time. It might be affected by
circumstances. But a decision once firmly and strongly committed will not
change.
But whatever it is, I will go for the event on Saturday with an open mind, to know more friends and watch over her. At the end of the day, the ball is no longer in my court as a friend has mentioned. It's now on her to determine whether I am the guy for her. The only bug bear she had was that I ain't naughty enough and has not played the field enough and also I am a good old virgin..what the heck?
I got to keep reminding myself this Saturday to stay detach, be neutral, don't judge and be there when she needs me.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Sunday, November 13, 2011
Had a long chat over sms in the middle of the night. Luckily my handphone message tone is set to the loudest these days, else I would had missed it. Lesson learnt.
Well, that aside, she was trying to keep awake after a long day and knowing that she is a sleepy head, I tried keeping her awake while she was out for her friend's hen's night. And utimately, it led to her telling me that drinking fuels her desire and makes her wants it more. That message sure woke me up.
And being at her prime, she is trying to tame it after last week's incident, even though she wanted it badly. In fact, I had to crack my head to convince her that its wrong to do it, especially since the clown is married and that he isn't being responsible and gave her all the problems she is facing now. While she won't break up the family, I am very concerned that one day she will be found out by the family members and that will spell the end of her career.
I was pretty worried that she might look him up just to satisfy the desire. She didn't return my messages or call. But it ended up as a false alarm as her exhaustion totally knocked her out and she didn't do anything. At least for now, I managed to stop her and she came to her senses. I wonder how long she can last as she seems to have a very high desire.
I felt like an opportunist when I told her that I rather she make a mistake with me than with a married man as I would take up any responsibility if anything happens. But my lack of experience is the main bug-bear and that's why she doesn't want to touch me, for it matters a lot to her. Argh...that's the second time she has told me that and its driving me crazy...so much so that I had to go to the gym early today to burn off all that nervous energy. She can be such a tease.
But then again, as I reflected on our conversation, I wondered why she is telling me all these. This is the first time I have encountered girls telling me all these stuff. But as I looked deeper, I think she trusts me as she knows I can take it, unlike her ex-boyfriend who couldn't stomach it and had to undergo counselling.
I guessed by throttling back and popping the speedbrakes at times had helped our relationship to a certain extent. We are now more than friends, in the stage of confidants, maybe soul-mates who value the freedom. But I need to work on her more to bring her back to the correct path. The "direct and punch through to hit the objective" approach that I am always used to will never work on her. Only by taking it slow and steady, by being there for her, will I be able to bring her back to the correct path.
Oh, and of course, by being sensitive to her, practicing active listening will I be able to win her.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Tuesday, November 08, 2011
I have promised to pray for her and I did. From today onwards, I have started swinging by the Guanyin temple before work to pray to the Goddess.
I pray that she can be forgiven for her lack of sensibility and give her back her life she truly deserves instead of punishing her with a child. If she emerges from this episode alright, I will go vegetarian for an entire month to thank the Goddess.
She has regretted her actions and is definitely worried. But I think she will be more sensible after this episode and learn to love herself more. During this period of time I am definitely going to stand by her and just be there for her. In fact I have told her if word get leaks out, I am prepared to stake my reputation on the line to protect her from any scorn from her colleagues.
In fact, she doesn't have much close friends and if word really filters out, I think she will lose many of her friends. But no matter what, I am not going to abandon her.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Monday, November 07, 2011
I have made up my mind after sleeping over it. If she really gets pregnant and wants to keep the kid, I will take care of them.
Some may ask why I am willing to cast away my pride and take up responsibility for something that I wasn't part of in the first place. Well, after talking to a long-time friend last night, For my friend, he is marrying someone older than him and has a kid from a previous marriage.To me, it takes a lot of courage and commitment to do that. I respect him for that. For to me, that's love at its best; Accept all the flaws and differences in the person, no matter what their past was.
I don't want her to be hurt again. It took a while for her to get out of the pit, no way am I allowing her to go back into the pit again. I am going to take care of her, for I love her so....Labels: Matters of the heart
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Sunday, November 06, 2011
We are talking again. Apparently she wanted to spend some time alone to think. Things are back to normal between us. But, alas, she got into trouble again. Spent yesterday morning talking to her about it and got her to move on. Had the urge to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be alright, but I didn't.
She is fearful that she will get pregnant if she continue with this indulgence. And knowing that the clowns won't take responsibility for it will definitely give her second thoughts about it. I did tell her that it will definitely happen again as her resolve is not strong enough.
Well, at least she is mindful and taking steps to prevent it from happening it again. I do worry about her alot. What's the use of writing it here when she won't be reading this anyway? In fact, as much as I love her, she said I deserve a better girl and that I shouldn't be wasting my time on her.
When I suggested that we try out for a few months and call it a day if both of us meet someone better, she said she didn't want do it this way, for she did not want me to sink deeper. One-sided love is unfair was what she said and while she threw away her moral values for life, she won't throw away her compassion for others and that included hurting a nice person like me.
She is still treating me as a friend...even though we can connect on an intellectual level, she still don't have the feel for me. Guess have to work harder on the charm factor...
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Thursday, November 03, 2011
From the highs of Monday to the ultimate low today, it has become a reminiscence of a roller coaster. Just when you thought everything is ok, she decided to ignore me lest professional working grounds.
And to think I was the one who seeded the idea. When she told me that someone called her out on Tuesday despite rejecting me for a dinner date, I knew that she was still edging towards self-destruction. I told her that knowing it is one thing, but getting over it is another. If she is determined to walk out, she would have to cut off all contacts from the people who are harming her.
All she needs to do is just to maintain a professional working relationship with them and nothing else. In the end, she told me that it will include me as she wanted me to move on for she don't deserve someone nice like me. At first I thought she was pulling a fast one. But when she did not reply to my SMSes, call and email, I knew that she was serious.
But I ain't going to give up so easily. I was just throttle to idle, pop the speed-brakes and slow down. Sometimes in order to walk back to the correct path, she has to do what's best for her. If by treating me like the other two idiots and cutting off all external contacts help, then I will do what she thinks its best for her. Even though its not fair to me, so long she is happy and won't go back to the path again, its worth the sacrifice.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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