Sunday, April 20, 2014
The Easter weekend was nothing but one filled with self-pity. I spent the weekend chastising myself for landing into such predicament; on throwing away a bright career in the Service, losing the girl I loved alot and coming over to US to pursue the dream of flight.
It got so bad that I was just drowning my sorrows with bottles of beer and wine. I don't remember how I staggered home, showered and got into the bed. In fact, I sent several text messages to J, pleading with her to wait for my return.
Guess when you are down and out, you just want to cling on to any emotional hope to stay afloat. But are there any emotional hope for me to cling on? While I still call home on a weekly basis, I don't want my family to worry about me. So I confide all my fears, frustrations and hopes to J through writing. Sometimes I would text my best friend, buddies from the Service and J when I really need a listening ear. Sadly, my best friend isn't talking to me, J doesn't reply to my emails and text messages. It's akin to being trapped in a well and no matter how much you scream and holler, your pleas for help are unanswered.
I feel so lost and insecure....please, somebody, someone, just find me...
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Like a wild horse which roams the plains, when the mind is not being engaged with studies, it starts to run wild with plenty of thoughts. And one of the thoughts start to drift towards J.
I wonder what she is doing at this moment in time and how she is getting along with her life thus far. Somehow I can sense that she is up in Malacca with the bf and group of friends, checking out the food and the sights. It's a sense of deja vu for both of us now. While I am not sure whether it would bring up the memories of our first overseas trip together as a couple for her, it did bring up plenty of it for me. It was a trip where all she had to do was to enjoy the journey with me taking the lead. We had a lot of fun trying out the various eateries and checking out the sights.
The thought of her doing the same trip with the bf and friends brought up plenty of sadness for me. In addition, knowing at the back of my mind that they would be snuggling and hugging each other to sleep makes me feel even worse. Perhaps she cares about my feelings and hence have not been posting any updates on social media or she may have uploaded them under privacy mode.
But the bottom line is clear; I am jealous. Have you ever seen cartoons where the Angel and Devil is whispering into your ear convincing you with their wisdom? While it's not the Angel or Devil in this case, it's a fight between Pragmatism and Optimism. The pragmatic part of me is highlighting the fact that IT IS OVER BETWEEN YOU AND HER. She is free to live her own life and choose who she wants to live it with, including going on holidays. Preserve the happy memories and move on. The optimistic part of me is hopeful that things will work out between us and not to admit defeat.
Ain't human emotions so illogical at times?
But no matter what it is, I hope she is happy and enjoying her trip thus far.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Saturday, April 19, 2014
The boons and banes of technology..
Watched the movie Transcendence with the housemates yesterday and it set me thinking on how much we are depending on technology these days. Technology has made our life better, more efficient and brought all of us closer to us. Yet it has drawn us further apart from each other and created a series of ethical issues.
We have become so dependent on social media network which technology has brought to us that sometimes we have forgotten the art of human interaction. While some of us may argue that it is a boon for those who are far away from their families and friends (such as in my case), have you wondered how people communicated with their loved ones prior to the Internet age? By writing letters or even telephoning. Letters would shoot back and forth between worried parents, spouses, friends during the wars (and it's still happening now) to find out about their well-being.
Yours truly is also guilty of such behaviour as I use technology to see how everybody is doing these days. A couple of text messages to friends to chit-chat makes everybody feel that I am there yet not there. And yes, I do call and video conference to the mother and J (before things turned downhill). For someone staying overseas, hearing their voices and seeing their faces on the screens beats writing letters, which takes a few weeks to reach them. While the time taken to write letters may be too much to bear, it transmits our human emotions through pen and paper, allowing the person who is reading it to feel the depth of our emotions.
It's ironic that someone like me who has enjoyed the wonders of technology writes about the bane of it. Perhaps I am craving for more human interaction where I can interpret a person's intent by observing their body language, look them in the eye to determine their sincerity or determination. Now if you can excuse me, I will hit facebook to see how my friends are doing and send a shout-out to them via text messaging.
Labels: Random Thots
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Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Seems like everybody is looking to her and expecting her to do all the planning for whatever activity/event. While I am not in the position to speculate, I wonder whether it's for the house, wedding, upcoming Malacca trip or even family matters. It's definitely not work for she is excellent at what she does in the professional domain.
Speculations and more speculations!! The hallmark of the training which I once had back in the Force is slowly creeping back and seeking to find the answers I need.
I wish I could be there to provide her with the comfort and listening ears as she vents off the frustrations. Perhaps, a big hug and a kiss on the forehead may do a little of wonder for her. But the devils advocate in me is saying; What makes you so sure that the bf is not doing this now? Heck, how would I know, if I may ask. I don't give a hoot how the bf thinks or feels. I only care how J thinks or feels and that's the most important thing.
But sadly, I no longer do so. Even though I know she is frustrated and feeling overwhelmed, all I did was to write her an email, providing words of comfort. What else can I do? There's no reply, not even a word of thanks. It's akin to talking to a wall with only your words being echoed back. And when it does talk back, you slap yourself in the face and wonder if you are imagining things. That's how I feel all the time but I am keeping my chin up and staying positive for things will always turn out better.
For now, silence is my best punishment.Labels: Matters of the heart
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Tuesday, April 08, 2014
Sometimes I wonder whether why I'm still clinging on so stubbornly when it seems so clear that it's really all over. I still send her emails, text messages and facebook messages and even though I know that she would read it, she wouldn't be replying. The selective replies from the emails, text messages and facebook messages were the signs which I should have heeded but I didn't. But if she does reply, it's a bonus for me and really makes my day.
All along it's been my fault for keeping not this relationship alive and she has every right to leave me. Now that we are living on separate worlds, she has the right to choose whether to reply me or ignore me totally. While I may not hold a special place in her heart anymore, she still holds a special place in mine. That's why I will continue sending emails, words of encouragement and interesting articles as long as I can. The day she gets married is the day which I should stop as I don't want to break up a marriage.
Even though everybody around me have told me that I shouldn't cling on when the facts are staring at you in the face and that there are plentiful of options out there, I think otherwise. Stubborn, you might say of me but I rather look at it as a light of hope. It's the hope that things will turn out better in the end between us which is keeping me going.
Well, now that I have gotten this off my mind, I can do my checkride tomorrow. Wish me luck!!
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Sunday, April 06, 2014
So, the day of checkride came and went. The only catch was that I couldn't take it because of technicalities over my last instruments cross-country. I have to do the cross-country flight again before I can go for my checkride on Tuesday afternoon. Perhaps its a blessing in disguise for I was so nervous that I was on the verge of breakdown and the assigned aircraft's GPS database was not current.
Didn't sleep well last night because I was so nervous about the impending checkride. There I was, tossing and turning in my bed trying to get some sleep, which didn't work out at all.
I ended up reading the oral examination guide to force myself to sleep. Isn't it funny that you spend all the time hoping to get signed off for the checkride and then you get so worked up about it? Despite well wishes and assurances from J, I couldn't keep my nerves in check.
Even when I managed grab some sleep, the mind was wandering all over the place. I dreamt of J telling me that she is in the midst of preparing for her wedding and that she has booked the banquet and looking into the renovation details for her house. Despite all these, she didn't seem to be excited about it. I could see her stressed-out face and at the instant in time, I wished I could hug her and shelter her forever.
Time and money is slowly trickling away and I am going to switch school to complete my multi-engine training once I have gotten my instruments rating. By going this approach, I would be utilising the money for my type-rating and would have to borrow money to stay afloat. Even with that, I am not sure whether the credit card company would acede to my request for a 24-month instalment payment plan.
I guess I just have to take things one step at a time..
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Thursday, April 03, 2014
Job Offer and the Considerations...
I am humbled to be offered a job even before I complete my basic flying program - flying as a cargo pilot out of Bangalore, India. The company will pay for the type-rating training, which will be done in Singapore. There is no bond and I don't have to convert my flying licence to an Indian licence for a maximum of 3 years. Since this is a domestic operation and flies only exclusively at night, it means, there are no layovers and I get to go home everyday. Furthermore, a cargo pilot is paid twice that of an airline pilot and I get "stick" time on the airplane, thus clocking the jet-hours and working on the depleted cash.
With such a good deal, naturally I can't reject it right? While it is a good deal and provides me with the exposure, there are many considerations weighing on my mind; Family, J and money.
Having discussed it with the family, with the parents getting older, their preference is for me to get a flying job back home, which I have done, by sending in my application to our own national carrier. If really things doesn't work out with the local carriers, I would take up this job offer and fly for at least a year before trying again. Since pilots working in India are mandated with flying only 40 hours per week, I will shuttle between home and work since Singapore and India is only a few hours of flying time away.
For J, I am certain of what the outcome of our relationship would be (if it does work out, that is). I still recall our conversation up in the rarefied air in Nepal that her decision-making process revolves around her family and being away for a long time would not work out for her. Even though I don't know how things will pan out between us when I am back for good, I love her very much and I am prepared to give up everything just to be with her. Even if I have to forgo this job, so be it. My main aim has always to be a pilot and I have achieved what I set out to achieve. She has been patient enough to wait for me and I can't expect her to wait another year for me as time is running out.
For the money, it's definitely good even though I need to gather information on the remuneration terms and benefits. And since there are no attached bonds, it means I can work for at least 3 years before I have to convert my licence. But then again, I just want to work for 1 year, get the hours, save up on the money and come home. After being away for coming to 8 months, I already know that I am the homely sort of person.
Well, like what my friend who recommended me the job said, just keep it as an option until the training is completed and if things doesn't work out with the national carrier, than use it. Meanwhile, let me lock myself up for these few days and prepare for my checkride on Saturday afternoon (early Sunday morning, Singapore time).
Wish me luck people!!
Labels: Random Thots
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It's the period of time whereby I am being hit by a sense of self-doubt and worry, which seems to be occurring on a regular basis these days. And when it strikes, I just lose my concentration and mood to study.
Even though people sees me as somebody who knows my stuff and am able to fly my instruments procedure pretty ok, I always feel that I am missing something. This inadequate feeling of having missed out something is creating alot of self-doubt. With the checkride approaching, I am really afraid of failing it, even though my instructor feels that I am ready for it.
I am worried because I don't know what's the status with J back at home. Despite sending regular emails, text messages and sharing interesting articles on facebook, our communications are lack-lustre. Even my best friend says that she is okay and knows how to take care of herself, I still feel uneasy. Being someone who thrives on information, I am extremely concerned about J.
I still remembered the times which I would just hold her in my arms after her long day in the office. The stressed look on her face would just melt away and somehow that made her feel better. And when things weren't going well with my flying, she would comfort me and take extra pains to find some enrichment videos to make me better. Even though our approach towards the handling of emotional reassurance is different, we always found comfort in each other.
Even though I am unsure whether my comforting words or hugs-which, sadly I can't provide as I am still overseas, will work for her, I just hope that it will make her feel better. In the end, I just want her to be happy and know that somewhere, somehow, someone with whom she shared alot of fond memories with, cares for her.
Labels: Matters of the heart, Random Thots
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