Pasar Malams or night markets have been part of the country's landscape as far you know. As you walked through one this evening, you noticed that many things have changed. For example, those game stalls where one one use a toy rifle to shoot balloons to win toys have been replaced with stalls selling mobile phone covers or antiques. Sometimes night markets also have to evolve in order to stay relevant to changing times. 

Food stalls have also transformed to cater to changing tastes. New stalls selling fried ice-cream and Middle-Eastern shawarma (shaved meats wrapped in pita bread) have replaced stalls selling dragon-beard candy or candy floss. But some food stalls are still the same; the traditional Tutu cakes (flour-based steamed cakes with either peanut or coconut fillings), the Ramly burger stalls are still around, albeit selling at a higher price.

You were tempted to buy that delicious shawarma sandwich and that Ramly burger. However, you were put off by the high price and you bought some breads the bakery instead. As you thought about that, a silent smile came to you. For someone who is synonymous to the term; Live to Eat, you are penny pinching on food and morphed to someone who Eats to Live. 

However, this is not entirely true. You do indulge yourself in good food once in a while and definitely will not stinge on having a good meal with friends from time to time. For the joy of enjoying food is in the company of someone special or a group of like-minded friends. 

It was an interview that you have waited for a long time and yet, you messed it up by focusing on the technical aspects instead of the personal aspects. And to make it worse, you were competing with peers from the Service who had more hours and were more established than you were.

You were demoralised when you were told that you were not selected for the Simulator assessment. At that point in time, you wished for her presence, to give you a comforting hug and kiss those sadness away. But, of course, it's just a figment of your imagination running wild, because it ain't going to happen.

Questions asked;

1. What are the qualities of a good pilot?

2. What differentiates you from the rest of the interviewees?

3. What are your strengths?

4. What's your greatest achievement so far?

5. What's your greatest setback?

6. You joined your company in January this year. How would your boss feel if you leave after a short stint?

7. What do you think of psychometric test? Are we doing it for the sake of doing it?

Even though you messed up the interview, it was a good experience, one which made you learnt your lesson and prepare for the next one. At the very least, it removed the dilemma of abandoning the professional program you have been taking to upgrade yourself.

After a hiatus of one month, the new school semester starts.

And with the new semester brings another set of knowledge and challenges to face. There will be long nights fighting the war of assignments and weekends spent poring over the lecture notes and books. In between juggling work and school commitments, you have an added challenge of military duties in between the school term.

Even as you look at these challenges, you wonder how J is coping with hers. Nowadays, missing her has become the norm. From the little things that may be insignificant to most but a treasure to you; the notes of encouragement, the home-made breakfast or those quiet chats by the park benches, those deeply entrenched memories were the daily antidote to the stress and frustrations of life. It has kept you going during flight training, through the first school semester and will keep you going when the going gets tough.

Your life, you have noticed, which once seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile has changed drastically. You have come to believe that in everyone's life, there's one undeniable moment of change, a set of circumstances that suddenly alters everything. Now a road that used to be explored as one, is traveled alone, a journey filled with both is taken as one. But you have opened your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experienced a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. 

To say you can't get over her is an understatement for everyday is a struggle with yourself. You hope she is juggling everything well and hope that you can do something for her if things gets unbearable. But sometimes, some things are better left unsaid.

This is the second time in a span of 2 months you are pulling standby duty. While the adrenaline rush is not as much as that of the days in the Organisation, it's equally challenging; a single mistake can mean the loss of lives.

It's as sacred as it can be since it means the safe deliverance of a new life into the world. That's right, you are pulling standby duty for those about-to-deliver mothers. In this case, it's your sister-in-law since the brother away on shift work for the entire week. You wonder how you will feel when your time comes. Will you panic or will you be as stoic and calm like the eye of the storm while the wife is screaming her lungs out?  

As you think about it, you know that through the journey of tribulations, you should be able to handle and cope with almost anything. You realised that at every stage of your life, something exciting or sad would happen which prepares you for any eventuality. Just when you thought that you have mastered the art, life throws in a spanner, turning everything topsy turvy. But, it's all good for as long you have faith, you will ride out every storm.

Perhaps, that is also the reason why you have learnt to believe that someday, that adventurous, kind-hearted and tolerant girl will find you, walk this journey of a lifetime with you. Time to stand guard..

In your last post, you mentioned that a break was needed after having gone for a long period without one. In a whim, you decided to head over to Siem Reap, known as the gateway to the Realm of The Gods with a few buddies to recuperate. So there you were, over the weekend, fulfilling one of your bucket list.

When you stepped off the plane at Siem Reap, the place struck you as familiar even though this is your first time there. As the hotel shuttle brought you through the streets, the dusty streets reminded you of an adventure many moons ago - one which eventually led on to something memorable.

As you tried your best to hide those emotions, you linked up with your buddies who have went ahead of you by one day. From lounging by the private pool catching up on the reading over a glass of red wine to tension relieving massages (not those sleazy types for you have stopped those activities), it was as good a break as it can be despite the short span of time. 

And what's a trip to Siem Reap without checking out Angkor Wat? So, off you all went, at an ungodly hour to catch the famed sun rise and exploring the few temples which made up the vast complex. As the sun peeked through the horizons, you wished that J could be there to catch the beautiful sight with you. Even though she may not be pleased with the humidity - she is not a fan of hot weather) she would had enjoyed this adventure.

During the entire trip, thoughts of both of you and what might have been were never far from the troubled mind as you laid on the queen-sized bed during those nights. Looking at the unoccupied other half of the bed and wondering how she is doing now often brought you regrets and tears. Only the nightly glasses of red wine by the porch provided the antidote for the troubled mind to get into a deep sleep.

Why is that still happening? Guess some things can never be explained with words. But life still has to go on. You just have to find the strength to face it sometimes, and the only way you can do that is to reach deep for faith and believe with all your heart. Even when your head tells you one thing and your heart another, you will have to listen to your heart. For it tells no lies. 

Alas the short but hellish week is over and you can finally take a breather for the next few days. In fact, the intense amount of stress has left you breathless and mentally drained as you fight against time. As you look back over the past few months, it seems like you have never rested ever since the school semester started.

You feel like dropping everything and switch off at a quiet place to catch up on sleep. Perhaps a staycation or a trip to no-where would do you some good? Indeed, one would need to take a step back from the hustle of the world to quiet down and reflect, re-calibrate and recharge the frayed mind. For you, that would be once every quarter. To date, you have lasted close to 3 quarters without any break. It's a small wonder that your nerves are frayed, your mind is spent and emotions totally drained.

You hope that J won't end up in such a state like you for she would be busy just like you, albeit with an additional role of married life. But knowing her, if I really do at all, she would be fine, given the support she would have from him, close friends and family. Well, there you go again, thinking about her and missing her.

But some things can never change. Just like how you much you still for her till now. 

What could had been a great night enjoying a celebratory NDP company dinner was replaced with simple fare of coffee shop cooked food. Yes, it was another of those 14 hour workdays to meet the submission deadline after another round of vetting by the bosses.

As you tucked into your late dinner, you asked yourself what you have gotten yourself into and why you are doing this. You felt alone and scared. But you remembered a passage from a book you are reading currently; "You may have to walk through life lone, that few will come behind you and only a very special rare person will choose to walk beside you. But if you know you are walking the right way, you grow to accept loneliness" 

To bring home the point, the cool breeze comforted you, telling you that everything is going to be ok. Adding to the comforting breeze was the fact you don't have to worry about taking the supplementary exams for you have cleared the main exams, albeit by hair breadth. But having gone through the university schooling system where failures were a norm for you, a pass is still a pass.

Ok, back to work..

Exhausted, totally drained from the many work demands. These are the times when the temptation to open a bottle of reds/whites become high. This is also the time where that "I miss you" alarm sounds in the back of the head; where a stress-busting hug would suffice. But succumbing to such temptations is tantamount to emotional suicide.  

Since you would rather to keep everything to yourself, an outlet is needed to vent off the frustrations.Where exercise was a preferred option to destress, you can't do anything strenuous for now as the body heals. You miss pounding the tarmac in your running kit with sweat dripping down the body and the "high" from completing a long run.You miss the muscle aches from pumping the iron at the gym.  While waiting for the body to recover, writing is now a preferred way to destress, to vent your frustrations and to articulate your thoughts. 

Now you understand why pilots hate flying a desk.

With the long weekend over, one has to get back to the reality and demands of work life. The heavy workload of crafting workplan slides coupled with the ongoing office renovations is a hark back to the days of the organisation; one where 14 hour days is a norm, where the early morning quiet office environment is conducive for clear articulation of thoughts, where nobody can disturb you.

But as the stress builds up, you wished that she could be here to comfort you. But of course, it's not possible right? Over the long and lonely weekend, there were many instances where you think of her. But you tried your best not to do so by occupying yourself with plenty of activities. From gatherings with university classmates and ex-colleagues to photo-shooting trips of the aerial display and NDP, you did what you could to make that loneliness more bearable. 

But there would still be that moment in time whereby it just strikes you unexpectedly. You often wonder how she was spending the long weekend; Would she be up north chilling by the beach over a good book and green tea? Or is she catching up on rest after a long and hard week?

Sometimes you hate yourself for being so weak; for thinking of her all the time. But some things is hard to change, especially when you can find plenty of reasons not to let her go. Stress or no stress, you just have to continue walking on without her presence anymore. The best way is just to pen down all your frustrations and thoughts here in cyberspace, where everyone is just a faceless entity, who would not judge or criticise you.

  

Months of training and preparations culminated in the successful conduct of the country's jubilee celebrations. While there were some organisational hiccups and challenges due to poor planning by the main committee and Sea Games demands, everybody was happy to partake in the country's 50 years of independence.

50 years.

While it may not be a big deal to any other countries with hundreds of years of existence, the thought of how your homeland has transformed from the third world to the first in a short span of 50 years would make people sit up and notice. Without the fortitude and gumption of the founding fathers, most of the country would still be living in villages situated on mudflats or crumbling pre-war housing. If the country was still in the neighbour's federation of states, there wouldn't be meritocracy and most of the citizens would still be treated as second class. And people wouldn't be streaming across to work and study under the excellent educational system.

As the jets thundered across the Padang and the assorted armoured vehicles and Home Team vehicles rumbled past the reviewing platform, you felt a sense of pride and honoured to have been be a part of them. Without these hardware and highly trained people willing to operate them in harms way in order to protect the way of life, the country would had just been a puppet of the bigger state players. Those silent nights of watching the skies and long training stints away from home are what provided strength to the country as it transformed into an economic powerhouse.

With the country having celebrated 50 years of nationhood, you wonder what the next 50 years will bring. By then, you would be 84 years of age and whether you would live to see SG100 leaves much to be desired. But you hope that the country will continue to implement policies allowing everyone to progress as one, regardless of race, language or religion and filled with compassion. Notwithstanding these, the policy makers would need to be cognisant of the ground concerns by walking the ground on their own instead of being in their big entourages, chatting with the commoners before formulating policies which are implementable. While policies which are formulated just for the sake of the annual KPI are good for the office holders, the lack of proper thought over the aspects of implementation and clear of line of sight is just a waste of time for the commoners. It breeds a disconnection between the policy makers and ground.

50 years ahead, may the fortitude and gumption of the forefathers continue to live on in the fairly comfortable life of the younger generation who have had no inkling of what the country has went through to reach today's First World standards. That sometimes difficult decisions have to be made in order to preserve and protect the way of living.

Happy SG50.

It's the super long weekend leading up to the Jubilee celebrations. As you look up at the clear night sky, that sense of loneliness struck you again. These days, it's amplified when you get a whiff of that perfume which she uses; that smell that causes you to stop in your tracks and look around for the sight of her while reminiscing the times you spent together. 

As the coolness of the night descends, your thoughts drift to her and how she would be spending this long weekend. You know how you would spent with her. You would plan a staycation at a place with a view of the seas where both of you can get away from the hustle and bustle of work life. Lounging on the sofa in each other's arms and reading books while munching on Kettle chips (her favourite is Djion Honey Mustard Flavour). A sunset stroll by the beach with homemade dinner followed by cuddling each other to sleep would complete the day.

Yet, you keep asking yourself many times; Why is that bond for her still strong like the carbon bonds of the diamond long after it's over? Diamond. Carbon bonds. Sometimes when a bond is formed under trying environments, it's unbreakable. Perhaps, that explains why the bond to her is still strong.

But would she be able to feel that energy being transmitted to her? Perhaps not. Sadness comes as you wonder why you think of her. You just have to keep reminding yourself that it's over and that what you want from her and what she can give you is no longer possible. 

Sighz..it's going to be one of those long and emotional periods.. 

Rainy mornings are best spent under the comfort of the sheets, cuddling with your significant other, savouring the coolness of the weather and watching rivulets of rain streaming down the window. To top it off, sipping a mug of steaming coffee with a hearty breakfast by the window after you have seen the world go by will round off the mornings when you feel lazy.

You often tell yourself that you can live like this forever, but indeed dreams can never be a reality if the practical needs are not fulfilled. By practical needs you do not mean having that significant other. It meant having your own dream house (which you finally have some capacity to conceptualise) and fitting it out to meet that dreams.

While the past prospects of having her as the co-owner has now been shattered, you still have to carry on with the journey. Yes, you do admit that 8 months on, you have dream of her too; the touch of her finger tracing along the outline of your face, that voice saying out your name, which always sounds so sweet. Coming from the lips of an angel, her words make the dull and grey morning so much brighter, one that never wants you to say goodbye.

Guess you have never really moved on, have you?

Well, time to head out for that hot,steaming coffee instead.