Just when you thought you are on the road to recovery, the bug decides to hit you hard with bouts of coughing fits, feverish body and terrible headache. You hate being sick for your body is turned into a war zone and the brain enters a dreamy state and is unable to focus on the core activities. You spend most of the time on the bed, in a deep sleep after you are done with your work.

You have never felt so miserable and lonely during this lousy period, even though this is not the first time you have fallen sick. Perhaps that near death experience up in the cold mountains has spoilt you rotten. That tender loving care from J back then kept you alive and it was the first time you felt so loved.

Maybe it was that love, albeit that of an innocent concern for your fellow climber, which gave you the strength to recover. And that subsequently transformed itself to romantic aspects of it and one, whom you saw a future with. J was someone who makes you want to try, someone who makes you want to take that risk. Loving her requires that level of commitment from you for you knew that a half-ass effort would not do any justice to that beautiful relationship. You have to go all in.

While you don't expect that from J anymore, the mere recollection of it as you write this has given you the strength to fight the persistent bug. As you feel miserable and alone, you just have to remind yourself that someone is happy simply because of your existence. And who better than J to be happy because of your existence?

Time to fight the bug. Good night.   

You got to caveat that as you are writing this, you have finished a bottle of red wine on your own. Whether drunken writings can be believed, it's up to your definition.

Humans can be so complicated. Even though you mentioned before that you have gotten used to not having her around, you still miss her; her stress-relieving hugs, her passionate kisses, that mischievous twinkling eyes, that incessant teasing. 

But this is who you are and you tend to say what you feel. What you see is what you get. To love someone is the greatest gift you can bestow, yet nobody will ever understand or even appreciate it. But you are used to be taken for granted and it's not a big deal anymore. 

Perhaps you are just a die-hard romantic at heart; that giving your best in order for your other half to be happy, even if you have to sacrifice yours. To those who care, you will not show your vulnerability, and be strong for them in their times of need. For those who don't care,  you will are just you, the unflappable, happy-go-lucky person. 

Yet you know where you stand in the pecking order. You are her lifetime slave, entrusted to ensure the princess's happiness and well-being and nothing more. You just have to be cognisant that no matter how much you love her, a slave can never be the knight-in-shiny armour. 

Feeling in the poetic mood. Here comes your special concoction;

Share your smiles with me and I will remember them till my eyes close for good
Share your fears with me and I will comfort you with my hugs
Share your love with me and I will cherish it till my final breath
Give me your hands and I will hold it through thick and thin
Give me your heart and I will protect it with my life
Be my love forever if you see a forever with me..

In the ever hard-pressed pursuit for time, these few days of rest have done wonders. For a start, simple things like sorting out the document verification at the new school (yes, against all common sense, you decided to pursue a graduate diploma), re-juvenating the mind by catching up on the reading, torturing the battered body by working out at the gym and printing out your ATPL textbooks has made you feel accomplished.

Adding to that, catching up with the extended relatives, whom you have not seen for 2 years, has also been a great top up to the emotional bank. In between tales of aerial adventures in US for the past year, occasional questions over your marriage status were also the nom-de-guerre. Yet surprisingly, the relatives were particular merciful and understanding this year. Despite the sympathetic year, you wondered how nice it would had been if J was to be here to spend it with you. The extended family would had loved her to bits with her graciousness, her charms and wit.

Notwithstanding these thoughts, you hope J is having a great time up North visiting her extended family and also the new extension of the in-laws' family. When you were together, you had harboured thoughts of meeting the interesting extended family after hearing her happy childhood stories spent in the village. You would had made the drive up North on the second day of the Lunar New Year, driving her and the family on the second day and spending a day or two there soaking in the celebrations and lighting up firecrackers and fireworks. But it's just interesting that you had really projected that far into the future.

Moving back to the family celebrations, the ever increasing number of members into the family has also made the annual dinner an interesting affair. What used to be 2 rounds of dinner (younger generation followed by the elders) has now become 4 rounds. To see the 3rd generation of cousins, whom not too long ago were just toddlers running or crawling around the house coming of age, be it preparing for their 'O' Levels this year or serving NS has struck home the fact that you are not getting younger anymore.

Soon, the 4th generation of cousins will join the table as they grow up and herald in the new the age. And hopefully, you will be able to contribute to this melee in the near future.

Chinese Lunar New Year. It's the time where the family sit down for a reunion dinner and for the extended family to gather over bak kwa, pineapple tarts and other festive goodies. Rewind to last year. You were spending it with the other two of your Chinese schoolmates over pork dumplings and hotpot and yet you felt alone. Thus this year's reunion dinner is more significant, for you are finally back home. Despite all the shortcomings that each and every family have, nothing will ever beat the comforts of home.

Due to the long hours of work, most of the family members will have their separate dinners when they are home. Thus reunion dinner is the only time in which the entire family sit down for a proper dinner. As you get older, such get-together becomes more important as everybody has their own families and have shifted out. Whether it's a simple home-cooked meal or a meal out at the restaurants, the spirit of family will always be there.

As per family tradition, a visit to the temple has been part of the "after-dinner" activity. It's customary to pray for good health, wealth and strength as you navigate through the months ahead. You also prayed that the powers-to-be up there will keep a lookout for J; to give her the strength to carry on when things look bleak and to bless her with good health since she tends to overwork herself.

You can imagine that she should now be across the Causeway, soaking in the celebrations and fulfilling her duties of a fantastic daughter-in-law, the best that any family can ask for. Amid the celebrations, you hope that she would be able to catch up on her rest and stay hydrated. Sometimes you just wonder, how it would be if the situation is reversed and that she is married to you and having reunion dinner here instead?

Well, perhaps, this would be what you would be dreaming in your sleep tonight. Have a good lunar new year!!

Valentine's Day is the time of the year where commercial operators try to extort romancing couples with exorbitant prices. Unfortunately, it's also "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation for many. To you, it's never about celebrating it once a year just for the sake of it. Everyday can be a Valentine's Day if you put the time and effort in handling your relationship well. 

For a day like this, your ideal way of celebrating will see you waking up early and making her some breakfast. She will wake up with the aroma of coffee wafting through the air and then you will spend a quiet weekend staycation together. Of course, this is just phase 1 of your operation. The rest of the phases will be kept under wraps to have the element of surprise. Only the special ONE will experience the rest of the phases, when the time comes.

You remembered that last time this year, you made and shipped some home-made gifts from US to J. You also told yourself that you would hang on and make it back in time so you can celebrate the following year's V-day with her. Fast forward to this year. She is happily married and going to spend this special day with him. And she is definitely going to have a memorable day.

Happy Valentine's Day, J.

Team dynamics and belief in the common mission among the employees is something which you feel makes or breaks an organisation. This is especially true in the corporate world where employees are key in ensuring a company stays ahead of the competition. 

But believing in a common mission may not be the case when one is accustomed to a certain way of doing things. The big picture and strategic intent can sometimes be clouded by individual interests, preventing the sharing of information and creating un-necessary stresses and misunderstanding. While it's noteworthy that certain information cannot be shared due to it's sensitivity, building a common operating picture is essential in order to speak the same language.

On succession planning, having a manpower flow will ensure that sufficient headcount are to replace the older ones when they reach the retirement age. This will also ensure a continuity of the company's culture and knowledge is transferred across. Again, it is unfortunate that a fear of job security often prevents such ideal scenario from occurring.

Hence, it becomes a vicious cycle whereby younger employees leave after a few years and additional resources being spent to recruit and train new blood. This is akin to throwing the money down the drain. And it's the competitors who will have the last laugh when you have invested in the employee only to lose them because of a lack of emphasis in employee management.

Well, it's an observation of yours after a month in the organisation. You hope that you can do what you can to implement processes and structures so that employees will be able to realise that they are part of the company and they too, can make a difference.

On a side note, you are surprised that your entrance into the company have been the talk of Corporate Headquarters. It was shared by one of the colleagues when you were having dinner earlier on. Whether it means that there are tremendous expectations heaped on you remains to be seen. You would rather prefer to keep a low profile and just do your job to the best of your ability. 

You are slowly adjusting to life without her and knowing that she is settling down to married life happily. That radiant smile which was once your strength is the testament to the fact that all is going well for her. What more can you ask for when all you need to know that she is happy? Some may say that it's silly to let people build their happiness at the expense of your sadness.

But you beg to differ.

Like what Robert A. Heinlein mentioned "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." If being sad can be used to exchange for her happiness, you would be more than willing to do it for sadness has always been a way of life for you. It's never too difficult to hide that sadness behind a mask of smiles and laughter. 

Only discerning eyes will be able to decipher a story of lost love, breached and battle-scarred armour and cherished memories behind those sad eyes. But never will you allow anyone to get that close to you, for to remove the armour is to allow yourself to be vulnerable again.

Well, enjoy your well-deserved break, J. You definitely need to spend some quality time with him after the hectic marriage preparations last year. Have fun and stay safe.   

A short weekend can never be enough to replace a stressful work week. That is why it tends to pass by in a blink of the eye, if it's not properly planned out. But then again, shouldn't weekends be one whereby time isn't a factor? Perhaps that's why you can sit at your favourite ECP hangout for hours, watching the airliners on their final approach, feeling the sea breeze on your hair and breathing the salty sea air.

Only the beach (and maybe the mountains, too) can throw your well-planned schedules away and bring you back to your favourite Mother Nature. Perhaps it's Mother Nature's way of reminding you not to be too hard on yourself and to let go of things which are beyond your control. Indeed, it has been a long time since you last sat at ECP by yourself, with the past few times in the company of J. Looking at the joggers, either couples or alone, reminded you of the times where you pounded the same route with J. How long has it been since you last ran this route with her? Perhaps one day, you will run this route again by yourself, just like how you are used to running by yourself.

You have been thinking alot of J these days and you hope that she is happy and living the life which she has dreamed of for so long. As you have written in the previous posts, nothing is more important than her happiness and seeing her so blissful is all that you need to know that she has made the right choice.

But while you reconnect with Mother Nature can ask for your presence, you also need to exercise some restraint and discipline. Hence, you spent some time checking out a new study spot at your alma mater. Indeed it's a quiet and windy spot, one where you can study in peace. The only challenge is that you would have to pack your own food and coffee on Sundays as the canteens/food courts are not closed. But it's a tradeoff which you can live with especially since study locations which are quiet and offer free parking are far and few in between. This will definitely be your new to-go spot for Sundays when you are studying.

The new week is here again, so it's time to head back into the grind, after a glass of wine, of course..

Aren't you just glad that the weekend is here again? 

With the increased workload, you are mentally exhausted by the end of the day. The study and exercise plan which you have painstakingly developed has been thrown out of the window after just 3 weeks. Now you have to find a balance between studying and exercising. Guess the weekends which are solely for rest would have to be sacrificed for the studies. Sighz...

You have also been drinking quite frequently these few days for drinking has always been one of your preferred ways to cope with stress. You know that it's not good (for the health and pocket) but you just needed a drink after a long day. In fact, you had an impromptu catching up session with a good friend that just got back from an overseas posting. 

Over a couple of drinks, you somehow saw a reflection of yourself. You also realised that you aren't that brave after all. Today marks 2 months since she is married. Does she know how much you still feel for her now? The possibilities of what could had been; the aroma of coffee perking up her mornings, the warmth of her hand warming your cold lifeless one, the stress reducing hugs and walks by the beach at the end of a long day. No, she doesn't have to know about all these, for it's not of any significance to her anymore. No one will understand the struggles for they will think that you are such an idiot.

She has chosen the right path (and it's not you, which you have to constantly remind yourself) and the repercussions of back-tracking is too huge for her. Even though you yearn for her TLC at times of your peril, it's no longer appropriate. It's tough but you would rather keep everything to yourself than to let her worry about you. She has more than enough things to worry about and you are not her responsibility. If everything gets too tough for you to handle, you will just use this column as an outlet valve.

Over time, things will get better and one day your heart will stop skipping a beat like it still does when you see her on the streets. How long will that be, you have no idea. But for now, her happiness is the answer which you need that she has chosen the right One.