Friday, December 30, 2011
Its a difficult period again..I miss her so terribly..
Even though I may not be somebody to her, I am concerned about her.
I really hope she is fine..Labels: Matters of the heart
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Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Its been 9 days since she decided not to contact me. I don't know what I have or didn't do that warranted such treatment. It's as if I have been gien the death sentence without any trial.
I know she is in form of emotional turmoil and I am worried for her, yet at the same time I feel that a temporary (I hoped!!) separation may be the best way out for us. I have had problems sleeping for the past few nights as I kept thinking about her. I miss her so much.
So much so that I camped out at a hotel to do some soul-searching; to ask myself what she meant to me and why I am so infatuated over her. After spending close to two days of reading and reflection, I have come to a precaurious yet logical conclusion, one that has been lying sub-conciously within me.
It seems that she is able to fill a void that's missing in my life for so long; laughter and the ability to smile. Growing up through the years I have seemingly lost the ability to smile and laugh as freely as I thought I would. Perhaps its a tough family environment where the family were constantly fraught with frequent arguments that forced me to grow up pretty quickly.
In doing so, I lost that mischievious childhood grin and grew up to be an emotionally insecure and inadequate person. I was conversing with another friend of mine over beer the other day and we were lamenting how another friend of ours had a happy childhood and grew up to be someone who is always happy and satisfied despite whatever things thats thrown at him.
We came to the conclusion that perhaps our tough childhood did play a part in this. Its evident in the way why we were always not satisfied with what we have gotten in life. Both of us always want more in whatever we do; money, career ambitions, that expensive watch, car, etc. Perhaps with these material comforts, our ego are boosted and we can let the world know that despite our tough childhoods, we are able to make it in life. Even though my ego is boosted by these material comforts, that lack of emotional security was not addressed.
With this context, I finally understand why I faced rejections and failures in a few relationships, which dented my ego somewhat. My ego is like a wall which I have put up and strengthened over the years to protect myself. However, once in a while, love in the form of someone who attracts me sneaks in and breaks down this wall..and I fall in love. But humans being humans, we fall in love when we are conciously or sub-consciously motivated sexually. Its in our primitive blood to find the best girl who can carry on our genes and propagate the future lineage.
With her, that's how I felt. She came into my life bringing joy and laughter, despite her own troubles. She is by far the only girl that I have met so far who can connect with me on an intellectual level; that ability to connect with me on that level and yet bring back that childhood joy and laughter was something that attracted me to her. Now I have finally understand what is the driving force that I am attracted to; that of an intellectual connection. As for the rest of the girls that I have met during my growing up years, it was more of lust which, again, is in a guy's hard-coded pea brain to "diversify" the gene-pool, short of Sharon of course.
But sad to say, I didn't fit quite her bill of being naughty or cheeky enough. That ah-beng character that have lived with me since university days obviously didn't help to cultivate that character. I ain't going to change my too serious, always positive, always optimistic character for her. I can be that ah-beng, but its only when there's a need to. Other than that, I ain't going to do anything.
I understand her need to stay away from me as she wants to fight the battle herself and grow more emotionally independent. Hopefully, through this episode, she will be more strong and resilent.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Monday, December 19, 2011
When you try your best
but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
when you love some one but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Saturday, December 17, 2011
Sorting out my thoughts..
I have been sorting out my thoughts these couple of weeks on a personal and career level. On the career front, I am going to throw the towel and leave the organisation after close to 10 years. The organisation has shaped my character, thoughts, values and also provided me with the opportunity to shape other people's life.
However, it has come at a price; the price of making choices and accepting the trade-offs. I am mentally exhausted by all these trade-offs. Its time that I do things for myself. I wan to take a break and pursue my own dream...that elusive flying dream.
Even though my mind was all set at the on-start to join SIA due to the free flying training and also the fact that its a premier carrier in the region, I decided to take the Jetstar route. Even though I would need to fork out a substantial sum for the training, I know that its a sacrifice to make. When you fork out your own money, you will not take the training for granted. If I do make it and start flying, at least I get to go home everyday, which is good, especially since I would like to get married and have kids in the years to come.
As much as I want to get married, I always seem to be attracted to the wrong type of girls; those problematic type. However, the girl never seems to be interested in me, even though she likes me. In fact when she told me that I wasn't helping her to grow, I left her alone and hoped that she can really grow up. But she started texting, msn-ing and calling me after a week.
Perhaps, she has grown use to me, my ever positive attitude and mental toughness. And the fact that I happened to be the only one who knows her full story, may have caused her to rely on me for that emotional support. Perhaps I am not hard-hearted enough to turn her away for I know that I am the only one she can turn to.
But like what another female friend elegantly put it, I am just administering only painkillers, and not the cure for the root cause. She needs to solve her own problem and I can only provide the painkillers when necessary. At the end of the day, like what dear buddy mentioned, is it because I pity her or do I really love her?
If I really love her, I should do it the hard way, let her go and let her cure herself. But its easier said than done. When I see the mess she got herself into and the emotional aspects, I feel sad. But at the end of the day, its about the choices she has made for herself. With choices, there will always be trade-offs and what her tolerance for the trade-offs she can take.
I have decided to just be her friend and help her grow as a person and nothing more. If anything happens between us, its a bonus. I can only help her till the day I finally fly off to pursue my dream and I seriously hope that by the time I go, she will be a better person.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Saturday, December 03, 2011
I need re-examine my feelings towards her. Am I in love with her out of sympathy or do I truly love her?
That's something that struck me when my dear buddy and his wifey spoke to me this morning over breakfast. Why am I always attracted to problematic girls? Is it because of an innate feeling of being the eldest in the family that I have developed over my growing up years whereby I must always stay in control of the situation?
I guessed I should had stepped back more or in fact, like what buddy said, walked away. I had done whatever I can, dispense whatever advice I could and like what they said, it ain't my business and its up to herself for her to walk out of the predicament that she is in.
She is emotionally fragile at the moment and she doesn't have any friends that will stick by her if she really gets back into the pits again. I need to harden my resolve further for the more I help her, the worse she is going to become. At the end of the day, I won't be there all the time when she needs help.
I am still thinking whether I do truly love her or is it out of sympathy for her. If I truly love her, then I should learn to let her go, because if we are meant to be together, somehow, someday we will be together. No matter how painful the choices I face, as long as she is happy, nothing is more important.
But one thing for sure, she do likes me, but the feelings are not strong enough and I am still far and raw for her..
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Thursday, December 01, 2011
I have come to realise that no matter how strong or mentally tough one may be, there will always be a time when they will break down and that coverted inner strength will falter.
I had a long chat with her last night. She is still involved with the married man, even though she knows that its against her principles and that she wants to walk out of it. That guy is able to make her fall heads over heels for him and occupy her heart, which is something I could never do.
As much as I want to help her, I am frustrated by my lack of inability to do so as only she can walk out of it herself. I can only provide the overwatch and be there for her in her darkest moments. Its like knowing how the end will pan out and you are just waiting for it to happen. I keep asking myself whether there are any more I could have done for her.
Had a long talk with my dearest buddy over dinner. I always felt better after talking to him. He made me realise that I have always been too hard on myself and that it has to take 30 years of my life to realise this. Perhaps by being less hard on myself, I would be able to see the possibilities in life. Thanks buddy, for being there for me all this while.
I am really tired. I think I need a break from everything and be fair to myself again. Well, I thought about it for a long time.I am going to resign next year and take some time off to continue where I left off my New Zealand journey 5 years ago. Then I am going to realise my dream of being a airline pilot. Hopefully the 18 months of pilot training will allow me to start everything again.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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