Finding myself in the lost world..

Thursday, June 29, 2006

My thoughts of you..

[8:25 pm]

led me to a call..a call to you while I was at work..

I am happy and proud that you are going to fly..become part of the cabin crew of our national carrier..it has been your dream since secondary school to join them..

There's alot of things I want to tell you in person..yet due to time and space, we never had the opportunity to do so..I wonder when will I ever get to tell you all these things;

That you were always on my mind for the last 10 years..

That I never like to make you cry, that I always wanted you to be happy forever..

That..you complete me...

Will I ever be able to do so? I hope so...but if not..somehow,someway you will be able to find your way to this blog of mine and know how I feel about you..

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Sunday, June 25, 2006

Once a teacher..always a teacher..

[12:53 pm]

Had a primary school class gathering yesterday...yes..a Primary School gathering!!..and I almost couldn't make it due to my job commitment at the Stadium.

And, surprisingly, our former primary school teacher was there!!!And there I was, wearing a uniform accumulated with day's worth of sweat from running under the sun, apologising to my teacher for being late...haha..the fearless officer scared too hell of the teacher's wrath...

My good ole' teacher, Mrs Tan, taught us in our final year of primary school and influenced our growing up years, especially at the time when we were transforming from kids to young adults..she fired up my passion for reading by getting us to read newspapers to improve my England..erm..I mean English..

She also invited us to her house to play and cooked up a storm for us too..now, which teacher has done that for us throughout our academic life?Come to think of it, teachers like her are a rare breed nowadays..teachers with a passion for education..

And when she enquired about my job, she was pretty surprised by my choice of job and that as usual being a teacher, gave me a friendly advice..that, a fish no matter how small, is contributing in their way. She always has this ability, I think, to guide a lost soul, to make one feel special one way or the other..

This is just reminiscent of the teacher-student friendship in Tuesdays with Morries..which makes me feel ashame of myself that I had not visited my teacher after since I left secondary school many moons ago..that we are always giving ourselves various excuses such as work commitments for not doing so..that is something which we need to do some soul-searching on..

Our teacher gave us the head-start, allowed us to be the persons we want to be..now isn't it the time we should repay her?Think about it..

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Its just a job after all...

[9:11 pm]

I keep telling myself that...and the fact that they are paying for my job, not my soul..that I have a social life..that I do need some time to catch with my friends, and do my own stuff..

You might say they are paying me pretty well so I should at least work for the sake of the money..but that's not the point..to me, job satisfaction is the no. 1 priority..never mind how much they are paying me..

If there's not job satisfaction, one won't be happy in whatever he do.Take me for example, my current appointment, even though is a pretty high profile affair, is not part of the tour of duty..that is to say, my career advancement will be slower than my peers and looking at it, not perfectly bright.

I hate sitting in the office all day fighting paper wars...wielding the pen or rather, the mouse instead of the sword which people like me should be doing. It is a shitty feeling knowing that while your job scope requires you to protect the freedom of the people, you are sitting in the office yielding a mouse, pushing papers and flying a desk...is that how we are ensuring their freedom?

I don't know man..but what I do know that I still have work to do..need to write up some concept paper for Boss-minor..shit..

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Sunday, June 18, 2006

Listening to the music of waves do help..

[10:15 pm]

to wash away the built-up stress of previous week. Was down at ECP on my off-day having dinner with 2 of my friends when it dawned on me that the last time I was there was 3 months ago..running with my kaki..

Walking along the waterfront with the evening sea breeze coursing through my hair and listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the breakwaters allowed me to drop all the woes and worries of work and issues of the heart.

I guess, sometimes when things get shitty, no matter what it is, listening to the crashing of waves against the breakwaters and letting the sea breeze caress my face is the best therapy in the world...that is besides the running of course..

It has been a pretty relaxing weekend, even though I am still not fully charged-up as I hope to be, it is enough for me to face down the world of work till I clear my off-day again next week.

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Sometimes you just have to admit it..

[7:01 pm]

that you ain't as springy and strong as before..that you are getting old.

Take for example today..I went on an induction training..which involved the carrying, mounting and set-up of equipment..equipment which to me, 5 years ago, was a piece of cake to do so.

Now, even running with the helmet and webbing is a chore..coupled with the carrying of equipment was enough to drain me..my uniform was soaked within 15 mins, my head was throbbing from the effects of wearing the helmet..

Now, I need to take a hot shower and some aspirin to numb down the throbbing headache...argh...

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One thing I don't like..

[12:46 am]

about me is that I tend to procrastinate too much. I like to weigh the options before going all out to meet the intended objective. So much so that I have lost so much in the past...

Why am I like that? Perhaps its because of the fact that I have been made use of in the past that made me more cautious when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Now, I am more wary of people who are too good to me and tend not to trust people that easily...

But with her, I can tell her every single thing and like I said previously, we are always comfortable in each other's company. Even though now I am always busy with my work, she is constantly in my mind. I finally gave her the dolphin pendant which I chanced upon while backpacking NZ..from her looks, I know that she liked it..but I am not sure whether she will wear it..

I do wonder why I have never told her how I feel about her still..the common excuse we both have is always work..somehow or rather I feel that we are both avoding the issue..something must be worked out..and my good old friend is threatening or rather intimidating me to act on it before he does something drastic..and bugger means what he says..

So I guess I better act on it..

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Saturday, June 10, 2006

Finding a balance..

[7:25 am]

Looking at the growing list of friends who have left the organisation made me wonder...why are they leaving? Friends whom I come to known during my time in the outfit, some of whom are the best that the organisation has produced are leaving for the better pastures outside..

Is it really that bad?But after being back in the organisation for a week, I have come to realised why everybody is leaving..too much chicken-shit bureaucracy..imagine people leaving the office at 8+, sometimes 9+ at night after completing their work..how can one have a balanced social and family life?

Most of you fellas know why I joined the organisation...it's because of the passion..the enjoyment of leading people in the vast unknown lands, working with them to solve problems..but now what am I doing? Pushing papers,writing reports, typing minutes..doing things that will affect the people who I will never see..is it what I want?

No..definitely NO..I have an inkling my upper study is trying to dump all the shit on me as fast as possible while he is awaiting posting to another outfit. The huge amount of administrative tasks is enough to bury me...yet I push along, trying to find a balance in it all..trying to maintain my sanity without breaking apart..

This ain't the vibrant organisation I knew anymore..when I look at my former subordinates, I feel sorry for them..they used to be so cheerful and enthusiastic, now, all I see is an empty look in their eyes..haiz..

No wonder so many of my friends are leaving the organisation enmassed..

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Spoilt all because of..

[9:45 pm]

some dumb shit ranking superior educated me about being more on-the-ball.

Let me dwell into it abit..apparently this event was to be held in the afternoon, but due to some unforseen circumstances, it was delayed to a later time which I can say is pretty late. So I decided not to go and informed my point-of-contact. And this "maximum spider 10 hit" superior called me at 8.30 when I was starting on my dinner asking where I was..I told him I was having my dinner and I would not be attending this event, but if he wanted me to attend, I would do so..

He got pissed off and lectured me about being more on-the-ball and that this is not expected of me..He got on by saying I am answerable to my boss for my actions, blah blah..so being an obedient subordinate, I immediately called my point-of-contact and arranged for a rendevous in the vicinity. He told me that even if I made it down, events would had happened, so he told me there's no point for me to make a trip down and that he would explain to his superior.

Look man, you are not my direct boss and I am not answerable to you..you are part of the event and I am just an observer who just wanted to take a look at how it is done. But if I am not coming, I will explain to him why I was a no-show. Just because you are much more higher-ranking than me you can educate me on how to be a good subordinate...that is something for my superior to educate me about, not you..

If I am not on-the-ball, would I be leaving office at 7 everyday ever since I started work a few days ago? The normal office hours is from 8 - 5.30 and I do not get paid for doing OT ok? If I am not on-the-ball, would I had finished 2 reports in 4 days?

Sometimes I just wonder, why do this type of kiasee people exist? Are you lecturing me because you are worried that my boss will exonerate you? Don't worry, I will let my boss know why I was a no-show and I won't implicate you..maximum-spider-10-hit piece of shit..

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Thursday, June 01, 2006

Chaotic beginnings

[10:53 pm]

Finally I have started on my job...that is..after a chaotic mess..

Upon reporting to the branch I was posted to..bewildered eyes set uponed me, questioning, what the hell are you doing here?..this branch is going to be closed down..and you are posted in?..after clarifying with the manpower fellas, it was determined that there was a screw-up somewhere along the communication channels and I was re-routed 2 stairs down to the correct branch..

And I had to wait till late afternoon to see my boss who was the only one with any real idea what my appointment is..and it wasn't something to cheer about..apparently I am slated to take over the duties of one of the officer who was my former instructor..and the hat he's wearing is pretty big..

I cannot dwell on my job scope here as much of it are hush-hush..but this appointment allows me to learn alot of stuff and rub shoulders with the higher echelons..so you can say it is a make-or-break type of appointment..

I did express some reservations about this appointment given that there are much more people who are more qualified and more experienced than me..and the fact that I have not completed a full operational tour in my parent unit makes things worse..

And the fact that I have only 2 months to absorb all the stuff before my upper-study gets transferred out makes things worse..but if I can prove my mettle here, my future and reputation in the service will be secured..oh well, luck of the draw I guess..

Hopefully things will turn out fine...and that I will be able to clear this semester..'coz the exam results will be out tomorrow or monday...haiz..

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