Thursday, May 22, 2014
Even though I feel appreciated and blessed that friends have been catching up with me during my time back in Singapore, I still feel lonely.
Lonely because somehow a part of me has already died. J's departure has left a void in me. For someone who has been toddling around in the relationship realm and has found someone whom he could see a future and settle down with, it has been painful. It has been an emotional week for me and even as I write this, I am choking back on my tears. Like what I have mentioned in my previous posts, losing her once is all my fault and I cannot imagine the agony of losing her the second time.
I want to let her go, but I can't. I don't know how she feels about me now, but I miss her dearly. The package has been prepared and the letter has been written. Perhaps time will heal all the grief I am feeling now..
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Monday, May 19, 2014
Until that Friday when I promised her best friend that I won't bother her anymore, I bumped into her, him and her family at the airport. They were going on a trip to ROC together. Just like the movies, both of us saw each other and I avoided contact by turning around and heading back to the viewing gallery.
I know she is stressed out over this trip and even though he has helped her with the planning, no amount of assurance will be enough for her. Perhaps it's a figment of my imagination or that my ego is working overtime, but I do know that when she was her relaxed self when we went on our first overseas trip together. I did all the planning and told her to follow me wherever I bring her to.
Even though we should lead our separate lives now, somehow we are still talking. Perhaps she is trying to re-establish our friendly candour of pre-relationship days, which I have mentioned, is impossible. I still love her and often chatised myself for not managing our relationship properly. I still harbour hopes that we can be together and I don't want to live the rest of my life thinking about her and dreaming what might have been.
Even though she wants me to move on, I can't live my life happily knowing that she is with someone else for it would kill a part of me. Just like now, she is now on the same bed as him, cuddled to sleep. It is already starting to kill a part of me, slowly and surely.
I want to escape back to US and fly myself out of this misery but a part of me still wants to hang on and try one last time. She wants to see me before I head back and that would be my last chance. In fact, the farewell letter has already been written and the journal included in the package which I will give/mail to her.
All I hope for is that she isn't taking the easy way out. Somehow or rather, I just feel that she is still in love with me. Perhaps its just another figment of my imagination...
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Wednesday, May 14, 2014
A lot of soul searching has been taking place for the past few days. Friends from all around has been trying to knock sense into me by telling me to move on and forget about J. If it's easy to let go, I wouldn't had been thinking so much about her, about us. In a span of 6 months, so much things have happened and if I had learn to manage it better, I wouldn't be in the state I am in now.
Perhaps the way I have perceived things may be wrong. Looking back, I admit that I took her for granted in the starting stage of our relationship. I did not give her the stability, assurance and responsibility she was looking for in the relationship. Where was I when she needed me the most? Flying. I could had sent her an email or even a text message asking about her well being after my flight. But did I do it back then? Nothing.
As much as I wish for her to be by my side, it's not possible anymore. There's one saying “如果真的爱一个人， 就该放她走。是你的就是你的， 不是你的，你再捉的紧也是会跑的." I love her alot and I should let her go. It's going to be difficult and for now I just have to focus on my flying and get it over and done with. If we are really meant to be together, somehow, someday we would be.
Fate brought us together, distance brought us apart. Someday, time will bring us back together.
难道人一犯错，就得接受一辈子的惩罚吗？为和不再给彼此一个机会呢？Labels: Matters of the heart
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Wednesday, May 07, 2014
Met up with J today and managed to piece together a chronology of events, leading from our breakup. While there were some issues which I ought to have handled better, the subsequent chain of events really got me REALLY, REALLY UPSET. And upset is an under-statement. If I hadn't trust my instincts and asked, I would had been kept in the dark until I completed my entire training and come back. By then, it would had been far too late for me to make any difference.
The reason used? I quote; "It was in your best interests as we wanted you to concentrate on your flying training, that's why we kept it from you". BRILLIANT, JUST F****** BRILLIANT. And to think that I actually believed that. I feel so indignant that I lost out to the guy partly because of this reason. Ten thousand over miles away and no given a chance of equal competition.
I harboured thoughts of using these 3 weeks while I was in Singapore to convince her. Close friends persuaded me to give J up for they reasoned that if she cared for me, she would had waited for me and not given me the cold shoulder throughout my 6 months in US. Some even made snide remarks that she was selfish and didn't spare a thought for my feelings while she decided to patch back with her ex.
Humans are selfish by nature and it's normal that we take care of our own self interest.I just wished that she could had been more patient and waited for me to come back and work things out. She is a gem and someone whom I could spend my lifetime with. But now that it is certain that things ain't going to work out, I just hope that she is going to be happy with her decision. For as long as she is happy, nothing is more important to me.Labels: Matters of the heart
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Monday, May 05, 2014
I will give you all of me..
Enough said...
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all, of me
And you give me all, of you
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, I my head for you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXN00gE8vOELabels: Matters of the heart
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Today marks the day where I start the chase back. Despite the overwhelming odds and insurmountable challenges ahead, I am determined to give it a shot.
While I am not sure how the situation will pan out and develop, I hope my sincerity and actions will show how serious I am about her.
May the Divine one gives me the strength to forge through this test.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Saturday, May 03, 2014
What really makes your girl feels so special?
I have been doing some soul-searching these few days trying to figure out what makes J so special that I want to go against all the odds to get her. From the intel sources, it seems that she has meant to put a stop to us, period.
Yet I don't want to let it go for something deep within me is telling me that I shouldn't let it go. Is it because of my constant yearning for her? Is it because she is the ONE? Is it because I have not been given a fair fighting chance?
What's so special about her that I am prepared to fight all the way?
That's something which I need to reach deep within me to get the answers I need.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Friday, May 02, 2014
Coming back home after being away for 6 months has been one of trepidation and excitement for me.
I am excited because I get to see my family and loved ones. But it's sad to see that parents have grown older after ever since the last time I have seen them last November. It just breaks my heart to see them growing older every day. While parents always think that their children will never grow up and are constantly worrying for them, it's just reinforces the point that no matter what, the family will be there for you.
As for trepidation, I surprised J by picking her up for work this morning. I was filled with fear and excitement before I met her. I am not sure how she would react to my sudden appearance even though she knew that I was back. At least I convinced her to accept my offer of a ride to work. Despite the small talk, I could feel the wall surrounding us and the intense emotions that were welling within her. Well, I think the best thing I can do for now is to give her the space and time to collect her thoughts and talk about it when she is ready. While I hope for the best, I fear for the worst as things have changed after being apart for 6 months. At least it's good to see and hear her in person after being away for 6 months.
For the bff, I wanted to see him and understand what has happened between us as he is very upset. But for now, he too, is still upset.
2 of the most important people in my life are upset with me and they ain't telling me what's wrong. I feel so lost again...
Labels: Random Thots
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