You have always wondered why love is always associated to the heart for when you lose love, you are heart-broken. But after reading that the human heart is a remarkable organ in that it is designed to pump continuously for 120 years without ever needing to be reminded, you know why. While it pumps more than 100000 times a day without stopping, funneling hundreds of gallons of fluids around the body, it derives no benefit from the blood it pumps, making it the most unselfish of all organs. In order to feed itself, it siphons from its own flow to feed itself.

In the same vine, Love is selfless for it is patient, it is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And most importantly, Love never fails.

But how do you tell someone that you still love her for once you start loving someone it's hard to stop?

That she is always on your mind and that your cold hand misses the warmth of hers like the hand that dare seizes the fire, that could twist the sinews of thy heart. 

So you look up at the heavens and whisper to the stars the things that you wish to tell her. That she is now as happy as she can be, ensconced in the warm embrace of a love she has believed in years ago. A love steeped in stability and security. A love which you could never replace. A love which you could never be.

But at least this special girl once loved you for a second and where you promised to make that second last a lifetime.

This special girl called J.

A weekend of catching up with old friends and reflections has given you plenty of food for thought (which also reminded you that it's been a while since you visited the actual Food for Thought). In fact, when you catch up with old friends, their words of wisdom can be the key to the lock of your Pandora Box of answers which you have been seeking.

And it is also the time when you realise that despite the company of friends, there's a gap which they can never fill; companionship. A companionship, which may not be perfect, but is able to weather all storms together as a team, growing stronger as you grow old together. But the fear of "What if" often brings you down the road of "If only" when the possibility of "Why not" appears.

The "why not" of the yester-years has disappeared as you are less inclined to take risks. Those "what ifs" has translated to many "if only" over the past few years. But in the recent months, everything has become "why not" as you try to make the impossible into the possible. Your life seems cyclical, akin to the stock market as you move from "why not" to "what ifs-if only" and now back again to "why not".

But at the end of the day, the passion and perpetual drive to succeed is what drives you. 

Many courts throughout English royal history employed entertainers called Jesters, not only to amuse but also to criticise their masters and mistress or guests. Often, their modes of entertainment will include music, juggling, clowning, besides telling of jokes and riddles. No matter how sick they are, in a foul mood or whatsoever, they still have to put on that joker's mask and carry on with their job of entertainment. For they wouldn't want to disappoint.

In the same vine, no matter how bad things are, up goes the mask and you are good to go. To go and give a good how. You rather give, not because you have alot to give, but because you know how it feels to have nothing. Thus, no matter how bad your day has been or how disappointed you are, you try to put on a smile and tell the whole world that everything is fine.

But yet everything got lined up like a Swiss Cheese model so familiar in the safety training which you once undergone. You took half a day's of leave, hoping to check out a couple of interesting cafes to relax and chill out. But when you reached the outside of the cafe, you just couldn't bring yourself to go in. Going to cafes doesn't feel the same anymore. No prize for why you couldn't do it anymore.

You ended up at your comfort place with a can of beer and a chicken pie, watching the airliners battling the cross winds as they did their finals. And for once, you felt at home..

You are tired, yet sleep does not come easily. Too much things are flashing through your mind as you tossed and turn like a stir fry at this time of the night. What is real? What is an illusion? What is a dream? You try to make sense of everything happening in your life, yet no answers come to you. 

Amidst the chaos, you are trying to find inner peace, a place where you can stay in control and ahead of the curve. Perhaps it's the way of the pilot, one where staying ahead of the aircraft keeps you in control of any unforseen situations. Yet, such inner peace has not been forth-coming. 

And when you are awake, you are mentally exhausted as you make your way to work, to fight the day's battles. Only with a coffee (or two, sometimes three) can jump-start your day like a power cart starts up the aircraft. It's when the pounding headache makes its presence felt, that you know that the brain needs to rest and that's when you can have a proper sleep.

Perhaps you do need some TLC a break and assurance that everything will be alright. How you envy J others who has someone to fall back on when the going gets tough. But then again, you remembered what your flight instructor once said on comparison. So, you shan't compare with the others for everyone is fighting their own battle, just like you.

Things will get better..somehow, someday...

As you contemplated what to have for dinner, you had an epiphany; are you living to eat or eating to live these days? What used to be someone who prides in driving all over Singapore to find the best eats is now wondering what to have for dinner.

How ironic...

Perhaps it's because there's no one to share the joys of a food hunt and satisfaction of savoring the food with you. Indeed there are plenty of nice cafes, traditional coffee shops, out-of-the-way hawker centers which you would love to check out. But you also like to share this food journey with someone. 

So, over the past 2 years, you have morphed from someone to lives to eat to a mixture of live to eat and eat to live. There are times when you just have instant noodles with some ham and eggs to satisfy the hunger. There are also times where you so decide to whip up a simple meal just for the fun of it and having J to sample your simple dishes after work. Even though it is not up to her standard and that you have a long way to go, the joy of cooking for someone you love was a push factor.

When you feel like living to eat, you just have to force the thought of your mind for it's lonely to eat on your own. And there you go..Living to Eat & Eating to Live

When you did a quick and dirty summation of the money you could had put away had you been more prudent with your finances during your days in the Organisation, it came up to a staggering $308,081.9!! If this amount of money has been placed in investment funds, it would be higher at $320,405.8 at an average return of 4% per annum. 

It would had given you plenty of financial maneuvering room to pursue your flying dream and still leave you with sufficient finances for marriage and the purchase of a decent house. That would had at least give J the assurance that you would be able to provide her with the financial stability. It is sad that humans often have to live with hindsight and that one needs to learn from their mistakes in order to become better.  

It has been an expensive lesson in financial discipline and to be prudent in ensuring every cent spent is a dollar earned. Things on the financial front will get better as time goes by and you know it will for you have learnt well.

Gone are the days where you are a free-spirit with a devil-may-care attitude and fiery passion. These days, you have mellowed, feel off-balance and insecure. Not only that, you feel as if you are struggling, trying desperately to swim to the surface to fill the lungs with air before it gets filled with water.

But no matter how hard you try, the water still seems to be winning the fight, slowly dragging you to the depth of abyss, letting the pressure crush you as you descent. When reminded that you are pushing yourself too hard and that you should take a break, you wonder aloud; how to, with what, with whom? Indeed that you know that a break is important in order to forge ahead, but you have reached a stage whereby you prefer to do it in the company of someone special.

Only with this special person will you be able to draw strength from each other, like the way both of you and J used to. Crazy as it sounds for the umpteenth time, she has somehow laid the foundation and became your pillar of strength more than you were hers. Now that the pillar is gone and the foundation lies in crumbles, you continue to fight this handicapped battle on your own. 

It's you who is responsible, your inept choices over the past years which have brought you here. You can't turn back time to right the wrong anymore, can you? All you can do is to pen your thoughts here in the hope that writing will somehow make you feel better. Tomorrow will be a better day. Good night, world and to J. See you on the other side.

It's the performance appraisal and bonus season for the organisation. The outcome of the appraisal system is such that some will be happy with their grading and payout while some would be left with a sour taste and indignant that their efforts have not been recognised.

Unfortunately, there is no perfect system and bosses often have to make the painful decision that seals the fate of many. That's why the appraisal session is seldom cordial with plenty of deliberation, shouting matches while bosses fight to ensure their subordinates are aptly rewarded for their hard work.

But despite that, the appraisal system is designed in a way that some would have to be at the bottom of the scale while those with stellar performance will top the scale. Even though one may have demonstrated exceptional work performance for the past year, they may not be promoted, either in grade or scale, because it's simply not their time yet. So they would be placed at the middle scale with average bonus payout, which ultimately leads to that sour taste.

You feel that it's the boss's responsibility to explain to the subordinates why they are given such grade and bonus payout, which, sadly, not many do for fear of making them feel worse. As a former servant to the organisation, you have experienced such situations before and felt indignant over being passed over for promotion. But you were fortunate to have a boss who provided the big picture and your career potential. It did go a long way to assure you that your efforts were recognised but you just had to give other people a chance.

Now you just hope that the corporate world is not as forgiving as the organisation and that your efforts would be duly recognised in the next cycle when the time comes.

Nothing can take away these blues..
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling..
Nothing compares to you;

You;

Whom you share your fears with, 

Whom you share your joys with, 

Whom you share your lame jokes with,

Whom you look forward to when you open your eyes,

Whom you look forward to after a hard day of work,

Whom you spend the weekends away chilling,

Whom you train with,

Whom sees you at your worst, 

Whom sees your vulnerabilities,
And take you for who you are.

A rainy day like this is the best spent indoors with someone special, doing nothing.

One can sit by the window and enjoy a steaming cup of black coffee while reading a novel or cuddle underneath the sheets, watching the rivulets of rain make its way down the window panes, contemplating how fortunate you are to have found someone to enjoy simple things like this together.

Simple things, simple joys, simple life. With that special someone.

That's all you ever need.

Crazy as it sounds, despite the cans of beer in the fridge beckoning you, the alarm bells in the brain starts sounding like the "Master Caution" chime of the Airbus. The only difference is that the "Master Caution" is replaced with "Calories". So much for the phobia J has induced in you...sighz..

All you needed was a drink, but among the choices of alcohol, none was suited for the occasion;

1. Red Wine - Weather is too hot for a red wine.

2. White Wine - Not the correct mood for a white wine.

3. Beer - Too much calories to content with (Thanks J!)

4. Whisky - Not the correct occasion for the JW/McCallan.

5. Gin - The perfect drink but it has run out.

So instead of having a alcoholic beverage with your supper of Mushroom Omelette with Cheese, a glass of milk became the replacement. If J does see this, she would be smirking away..sighz...

You can only fathom the level of exhaustion you have been under when you plopped into your bed at an early hour of 2200H and woke up at 0800H the next day. While the long weekend should be a period of recuperation for the battered mind and body, the restless part of you want to hit the books to catch up on the ATPL exams. In the end, it was only by the sheer exhaustion that kept you away from the books.

Even though there's a need to rest, you still feel as if you are not fully rested. There's a gasping need to get out of the house, to head out where you can get a breather. You just feel like buying an air ticket and flying out of the country. But knowing that half of the country would also be heading out has kept you from doing so. You still prefer to travel during the low periods where everything is cheaper and crowds are lesser. 

A staycation or a short getaway to some obscure place would be the next best thing, but there brings about an problem: Company. Back then, you have a partner-in-crime, J, who also faces the same challenges as you do. Basically, both of you would just close the drapes upon checking into the hotel, shower, catch up on the sleep and just spend quality time with each other. 

Oh well, it's going to be another one of those long weekends. Hopefully one day you will be able to go on a staycation by yourself again.

Sometimes a cold beer is what you need to relax after a long day of work.

Sometimes a steaming bowl of BCM is what you need to warm yourself up.

Sometimes a person waiting for you is what you hope to see when you reach the Arrival Hall.

Sometimes a hug is what you need to know that you are being missed. 

Sometimes a break is what you need to from the things you are being thrown at.

Sometimes all you need is love.