Standing by the window with a glass of red wine, you gaze upwards at the cloud covered sky. Flashes of lightning in the distance threatens to bring the CB clouds closer, blocking your view of the moon. 

Why do you keep looking at the moon instead of the stars?

Star constellations differ from place to place and you won't be seeing the same thing from different parts of the world. But for the moon, it will still be the same no matter where you see it. That's why you look at the moon when you miss J.

On a quiet night like this, is J also looking at the moon?

"Treat people well for you never know when you will need their help". That was something which you definitely agree with an ex-Service buddy when both of you caught up over lunch. Indeed, you been very fortunate to have friends who stood by you during these tumultuous time.

Even though you will still feel like crap on an occasional basis, you feel that an upswing is coming. Things are starting to look good and you are thankful and humbled by everybody's kindness. They have stood by you, held you up and kept an eye out for you when you are at your worst. You made a promise to yourself that you will repay their kindness when you made it. 

Now with some form of certainty in your life, you have mapped out a 5, 10 and 15-year game plan and goals which you want to achieve. It's a variation of the version which you gave J when you mapped out your life together. The quarterly recharging vacation breaks have been retained with the only addition of your own personal goals. It would had been perfect if J is part of the plan but you know that nothing in life is ever perfect. 

You are going to attend a skills upgrading course every year to enrich yourself, which you neglected when you were in the Service. Hence, you are going to use next year to attain a HR graduate certification and complete the 14 written Airline Transport Pilot (ATPL) Examinations. With new skill sets, you will be more employable if you plan to move in another few years time. 

With financial budgeting, you aspire to have a comfortable life before the age of 40 with a house and a car. Even though you still have a couple of years to go before owning your place, you have started researching for ideas for the house; the design of the living area, how the kitchen will look like and the bedroom design, etc. Having a house to call your own is good, but it cannot be a home without someone to share with.

You still feel the loss for J for she would be the perfect person to build your home with. But you also know that you can't provide the financial security and stability in your current condition even though she is able support herself financially. No parent in the correct frame of mind would allow their daughter to marry you if you can't provide for them in the future. Besides, she is already married.

Even though you don't know how J is living her life these days, you just hope that she is happy and enjoying her marital bliss. Gone are the days where both of you will share your vulnerabilities with each other and cuddle them away. Now it has been replaced with strong defences and a line which cannot be crossed. You are still upset but you have to keep reminding yourself that she won't be coming back to you. 

Why is it that you have to lose someone you love so deeply?

Why does it still hurt?

Perhaps it's meant to be; that the happiness she is enjoying now was meant to be the karma for the sins you have made in your previous life.

When you love a person so much, you constantly worry about her; how she is coping with her work, whether she is sacrificing too much of her sleep for reading, how she is managing her exercise, etc. Sometimes you wonder whether you care for her too much until you have forgotten about yourself.

For the amount of feelings and emotions shared, you always knew that it will never be reciprocated by her. She would never understand that the depth of your love for her can never be measured, that her cuddles and hugs have been your safe haven when you needed it, that the hand holding and kisses were the affirmation of the special bond between both of you. Just like how you would never understand why she held on for so long for something that's not worthy of her, in your view.

Admit it. You have mentioned it many times and it doesn't take a genius to know that you miss her alot; the touch, the look and the words of affirmation. Yet you are still a hostage to your dreams. The realistic part of you is trying to rescue you from the fairy tale dreams that you are having now. It's telling you that you have always been part of the elaborate chess game she has been playing with emotions and feelings being the stakes.

The fact that you are being treated like a game has irked and frustrated you. You were once told that you are a simple person with a big heart and thus always susceptible to this form of treatment. That's why you can never be as good a poker player as her. But yet you have been taken for granted over and over again. Why? 

Even though it may have become routine to her, to you, it has never changed. To her, you are just a friend. But to you, she is more than everything words can describe.

The euphoria from the birthday celebration has worn off after two days and it's back to the daily grind of life. The lack of financial security from the unemployment is giving you plenty of pressure and stress. You need an outlet so you train and run harder at the gym, venting off the frustrations.

You wonder why you aren't being called up for interview (lest the only one which is TBC) despite sending out countless resumes. A buddy from secondary school whom you met up over afternoon beers (J would had mind-f*** you if she hears of it..but what the heck) provided some insights over the state of things. A former entrepreneur who went back to the workforce after selling off his business, he shared the same feelings of frustrations and worthlessness back then.

He took a look at your resume and recommended areas to be improved on. He further advised you to manage your salary expectations if you are planning to move to a domain which you do not have any prior experience. Expect at least a 50% pay cut for at least a year, he mentioned. Not only that, you have to ask yourself what you want for you are no longer that young. You have to stay focused in the chosen domain and not wonder about with the employment as if you are in the twenties. 

Actually his words of wisdom resonated quite well. With the experience garnered and a HR certificate, you just have to endure for a year before jumping ship or if the organisation values your contributions, you will be promoted and the pay increment will speak for itself. Now all you need to do is hope that you can be called up for interviews.

And you also need a break to take your mind off everything and review your 5,10 and 15-year plan ..perhaps it's time to start looking at a road trip.  

Interestingly, this week has been one of reminiscence. Since it's your birthday, you think it's apt to end the week reflecting how much you have changed over the years.

Are you still who you are?

As the years go by like the bullet train, you have changed from a fast-charging and impatient person to someone who reflects more and thankful of what you have. The free and devil-may-care spirit which once defined you has changed to a more serious you. Perhaps life's tribulations has shaped and formed you to who you are today. Having lost too much over the years in all aspects of your life, you are no longer inclined to take risk, preferring a more conservative approach. 

Yet there's a part of you which needs to be refined; that stubborn streak, being your worst critic and the constant strive for perfection. While stubborn is a negative connotation of passionate, there's a thin line between both. You are passionate about your dreams, about life and the issues you believe in. Sometimes you are so passionate about certain issues that you become so stubborn about it, despite everybody's views. When things don't happen the way you hope it will, you criticise yourself and blame yourself for not doing enough.

On relationships, you have been foolish, trusting, loving and candid with the ones that came into your life. But what comes after is always heartbreak, which has led you to protect your heart with so much safeguards that the Swiss Guards can be proud of. You rather perish than show your emotions to another for it's a sign of weakness. Even though heartbreak is suppose to coerce, to grow and make you realise what is deserving of you, it's never true. It stunts your growth and makes you incapable of feeling or create a standard so high that no girl can meet it. You want someone to love you and never let you go but past experiences have demonstrated that it is unlikely.

Would it be better to take it easy and settle for less you ask? You are still in search of the answer.

Enough of self reflection.

Despite the fact that you are finally spending your birthday back on this little red dot, you still have mixed feelings. The comfort of close friends and family celebrating it with you has always been a heart-warming affair. You have been humbled by friends and loved ones from afar who took time to give you their best wishes. Their strength was what kept you going when you feel down. Yet, something is still missing. 

You wished that J would be the first one to wish you Happy Birthday and to celebrate it with you. In fact, you always dream of spending your birthday in a quiet and heart-warming way with J, over a simple dinner, followed by a long stroll along the beach. You don't need any anything for she is the best gift that you have been given. But you understand the implications of such thought. Now, it's just a dream, a figment of your imagination which would be slowly erased with time.

Happy birthday to you.

At least some light has shone into the darkness, offering you a glimmer of hope. Even though it's not the job of your dreams, the very act of being offered an interview is a recognition that your talents are appreciated. Not only that, things seems to be in an upswing with friends helping to refer you to their companies. You told yourself that you will give yourself 2 years to work, study part-time for a HR graduate diploma and continue to wait out for the pilot job. One still has to feed the stomach and not live on the dreams alone, can you? 

As flying is a perishable skill, you will continue flying to maintain that edge and head back to US to do your A320 currency if you have to. Even if the commercial flying dream doesn't work out, you will still be employed. Sometimes you just have to understand that nothing is exactly what you think it will be. So you just have to live with it, knowing that at least you have tried.

You wished you could share these news with J for she was the first person on your mind when you received the email. Even though it's just a job interview, you still wanted to share the good news with her. But you can't do that without making things difficult for her. You don't want her to get into any misunderstandings with him just because of your text.

You love her too deep and it's not simply in the here and now but that you would never stop loving her. But you know that she wouldn't love you as deep as you do. Well, like what you once said, it's your karma, sins which you have accumulated in the past life for breaking other girls' hearts. In this life, it is in your destiny to be taken for granted and to have your heart broken. You know that she is set to legalise their union someday and it doesn't make any difference anymore for she won't change her mind for you.

Who are you to her to make such a big sacrifice?

You are just one of many friends/acquaintances who have been part of her growing journey. Someday, you will be forgotten, gone with the wind like the piece of leaf blown away from the tree. You are just lucky to have created many wonderful memories as you walked part of it with her. 

It has been a month.

Even though you act nonchalant and tell others that everything is ok, you are just fooling yourself. The smile and laughter has been the mask you have used to hide behind for the past month. Despite feeling more emotionally stable these days, there will be days whereby that tinge of pain bubbles up. There are things which you still do. You drive to the place where you always drop her off and just sit there for without an inkling of the time passing by. You still buy coffee from that same stall for it's one of the best coffees both of you have tried.

You wonder how she is doing these days. Somehow you can sense that she is contented. On top of that, she must be extremely excited with the arrival of her new house, for its her refuge, a safe harbour from the harsh environment out there. You remembered how her dream house would be like; open and airy with no clutter (for she has OCD), plenty of hidden storage places to keep her huge collection of books and an elevated platform by the window where she can laze by the window and watch the world go by. Knowing that she is happy is your consolation for things are going the way as she has envisioned.

It can be said that Fate brought you together. It's strange, you think, the way your lives turn out. It seems that moments of circumstance, when combined with conscious decisions and actions can eventually forge out something unthinkable. If both of you had never met, you would had thought that your life wasn't complete. And you would had continued wandering the world in search of her, even if you didn't know who you were looking for.

But you know that Fate is cruel and that even a boatload of hope is not enough. You miss her tremendously and you wonder whether she feels the same (even though it's wrong for her to think of you); that twinkle in her eyes, that incessant teasing, the reassuring hugs, everything about her. Even though you are just a friend to her now, she has, and always have been a part of you. You carry her in your heart and nothing can ever change that.

You love her and hope that she will hold on to that feeling, hold on to both of you. And little by little, you will find a way to heal.

Despite sending out all the applications to the local airlines, you have not heard anything from them. Even when you called up friends who are flying with the airlines, it looks bleak. "They are not hiring this year" is all they can say. You are disheartened and feel like giving up the dream of being a professional pilot. Perhaps it's one of the setbacks in life which you are destined to undergo?

You yearn to return to wild blue yonder yet you are tied down by the Earthly bonds. How you wish you can slip them off, soar into the wild blue yonder, purify your soul, taste the communion of the infinite and return back to surly bonds of Earth. Even though you have not flown for months, you have not forgotten how to fly for its just like swimming. If you close your eyes, you can feel the stick on your left hand, the throttle on your right and the rudders beneath your feet. You can sense the freedom and rush of adrenaline which all pilots knows.

You continue to be positive, to console yourself that if you can't fly as a professional pilot, you still can fly for recreation purposes by converting your private licence. All it takes is 2 written exams, a few familiarisation flights and a flight exam to get you through. But you ask yourself, do you really want to give up the dream of being a professional pilot? Only time will tell.

Aren't you a hopeless case, having sold your soul to flying? Till date, you are hopelessly committed to stop whatever you are doing long enough to look up and make sure the aircraft flying overhead continues on course and does not suddenly fall out of the sky. Perhaps it's a pilot's thing, hoping that his fellow pilot will make the same number of take-offs and landings.

Once again, the feelings of loss and aimlessness struck you today. You drove around aimlessly, wondering what to do and where to go. Saturdays weren't spent aimlessly not too long ago. It was a day spent on running, swimming, food and reading. But now, it's just you.

Today is J's birthday. You still remembered this time last year you were celebrating her birthday at an over-water beach villa. Now you wonder how she is celebrating her birthday this year. Would it be somewhere quiet, away from the hustle and bustle of city life, one without any communications so she can have a special birthday celebration?  

As you ponder about this and reminisce about the times while sipping the coffee you bought at the place where she used to pack your coffee, your journey led you to the temple. Perhaps it's God's will that led you there, you mused. You feel better after offering your prayers, hoping that God will watch out for you and bless her on this special day of hers.

While your wishful thoughts will see you spending this day with her, you just have to remind yourself that it ain't going to happen now, in the future, forever. But at least you know that somehow, she must be spending her birthday in a sweet and romantic way. 

Happy birthday J!! 

A question pertaining to your ideal vacation set you thinking. 

Being a free and curious spirit, you always have a burning desire to explore the world with just a backpack, immerse in the culture and capturing the beauty of the place. But yet you are also apt at lazing on a hammock on some obscure island enjoying a good book with a wine or beer. Thus, from those back-packing, cultural immersing trips to those free-and-easy tour group-led trips, you have already formed a mental picture of your ideal vacation.

Vacation, as aptly described by the dictionary, means: "a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity, usually used for rest, recreation, or travel; recess or holiday". Since you are surrounded by chaos and the attention-seeking mobile devices on a daily basis, a place devoid of such things is definitely a good place for you. A place with plenty of fresh air, warm and friendly people and not to mention an awesome scenery would be an ideal place for you to recharge your battery.

Your vacation routine will revolve around the following;

1. Lazing on the bed or hammock with a view of the ocean or mountains.

2. Reading a book with a bottle of white wine or beer.

3. Immersing in the local culture and capturing the local landscape.

4. Enjoying street food. But you will toe the line at consuming fried insects, monkey brains or worms.

5. Catching the sun rise and sun set.

Knowing your own stress tolerance, you definitely have to go for recharging trips once every 3 months. Ideally you would have like to go for trips of a long duration such as back-packing/self-drive/diving trips, but you have to be realistic as leave and money is always a concern. Thus you have worked out a balance of 3 weekend short trips/staycations and a long trip lasting at least 2 weeks. 

In fact you have already mapped out a plan of those to-go places, which you will hopefully execute next year, once you have gotten a stable job. 

Have you played chess before?

Chess involves strategy, finding the best possible outcome based on a set of pre-determined parameters each individual has developed over time. Despite the importance of all the pieces, the chariot, the bishop or even the lowly soldier, each of them will be sacrificed to save the King. Only through decisive master strokes will one be able to save their pieces with minimal sacrifices.

In chess, when you think you have it easy, you have actually walked into a trap. Once you realise that and try to extricate yourself, you find yourself stuck in another situation. Try as you might, you are defenseless against the plight for the opponent has the upper hand, who will defeat you with a few decisive strokes.

But with a worthy opponent, playing chess also involves some form of risk-taking, akin to gambling. Not that you advocate gambling but somehow it gives you a feeling that it's somewhat similar. You can either be a risk taker, believing in high stakes for high returns or risk-adverse, preferring a safe bet instead. But is a safe bet always the best bet?

It all depends on the foundation and parameters used. Perhaps it was based on priorities and parameters which resulted in a safe bet. It's hurting to know that you have been sacrificed like a chess piece for a greater good. Perhaps you are just that lowly little pawn whose advance and retreat is dictated by her because you are not the king. All under her control.

As much as you have plenty in common and shared alot of laughter, you are both different. Yet, its the same difference which attracted both of you to each other. You tend to think with your heart while she tends to think with her head. Such is the head vs heart tussle which has been a constant source of frustrations and tears between both of you.

Despite all these, both of you celebrated your differences and resolved to create something perfect in this imperfect world. At the end of the day, it's just a game of chess. As much as you love her and hope that she feels the same about you too, you are already resigned to Fate.

As this quiet night passes by and you start your reflection, you ask yourself; 

How far are you willing to go in the name of love?

What is life to you?

Simple questions yet fraught with difficult answers, yet which not many people have answers to. You are still searching for answers, yet each answer which you have come up with as you walked this journey conjures up even more questions.

Some has lived a privileged life, born with a silver spoon and never having to worry about anything in their life while some are born into this world, disadvantaged and often worrying about their next meal. But are the privileged ones happier? Are the disadvantaged ones destined to live their life without any possibilities of improvement? Compared to them, where do you stand?

You ain't born with a silver spoon nor you are disadvantaged but having interacted with the  people from extremities of the scale has taught you plenty.

1. Never take anything for granted. Appreciate what you have now for it may be gone in a blink of an eye.

2. The safest route may not always be the best route. It's called the safest route because everybody has safely traversed this route before without any issues before and nobody dared to explore an even better route.

3. Keep smiling no matter how bad things are. A smile can go far in calming people and reassuring them that everything is under control.

4. Never give up on love. Love is what keeps people together, gives you hope and never fails.

You have lived your life thus far based on the above-mentioned and though, life may not be as good to you as you desired, you have learnt a great deal from your experiences and that of people around you. You have worked out a general idea of how you want to live your life when you have gotten the other half.

To ensure the love will go far, you will execute the plan which you have spent countless nights thinking about, putting in 120% to make sure that she is happy. It may not be detailed nor perfect but you know that it's something to start with. Plans as with plans would need to be adjusted along the way to make it better. At the end of the day, it's about spending time together, about having the time to walk together holding hands, talking quietly as the sun go down. It's not glamorous, but to you, the best that life has to offer. 

Sometimes you start off your weekend feeling positive and that it's going to be a great break. Unfortunately, it's like a cyclical wave, with every peak, there's always a trough. Over time you become more cynical and with every peak you experience, you know that something bad is going to happen.

That's why at the back of your mind, you will enjoy yourself at every peak and soak in the moment. When the trough comes, you do your best to motivate yourself that the peak is going to come again. While you hate the troughs, you know that it shouldn't spoil your notion of a perfect weekend.

You always love weekends for it gives you time to either, laze in bed the whole day or use the time to catch up on things which have been placed on the back-burner. While it should be ideally spent in the company of your other half, you know that it won't be happening for a while. But your idea is still applicable, some of it anyway:

1. Slip out of the bed and start the day with a pot of freshly grind and brewed coffee.

2. Bring her a mug of coffee and use the aroma to wake her up. 

3. Wash up and hit the tarmac/gym to work off the calories accumulated during the work week.

4. Head for breakfast after vigorous exercise regime or a cozy breakfast-in-the-bed.

5. Do the household chores that's needed to keep the house spick-and-span and driving your other half crazy at the same time.

6. Catch up on current affairs and reading together on the couch over some tea/white wine. 

7. Fall asleep on the couch in each other arms.

8. Home-made dinner followed by an early night chatting and teasing each other.

So, what your idea of a perfect weekend?

Even though your emotions are much more stable these days, you still think of her and miss everything about her from time to time. Given her means, she may know how you are living your life these days. But do you have any idea how she is living hers? Nope. 

Try as you might when you were dating, there's a part of her you never truly know despite your best efforts to connect with her at a deeper level. You often wished that she can express her thoughts and emotions more openly but you understand the mask and armour is her protection because of her past experiences.

As you go about on your daily routines of exercise, chilling, post-exercise eating session which she has always been part of, you continue to miss those times when you tease and push each other to greater heights. But then again, it may be a figment of your imagination for you can sense that she is doing her best to cope.

Someone once said, Love brings you together even as life keeps you apart. While this statement is highly optimistic, it is all wishful thinking on your part, a thread of hope that keeps you going on even though the odds you know. You have to realise that for the amount of emotions and time she has invested in that relationship, you are not worth her sacrifice for your selfish needs. You have to learn that it's no longer possible, that your love for her is not enough for her, that you are just a passing phase in her life.  

You had a dream while asleep a couple of days ago; interesting yet one filled with warmth. In that dream, you were lying down on the bed and facing a laughing baby boy; with big eyes that twinkles with mischief, a cheeky grin and laughter that emanates the innocence of children. Like an observer, you saw yourself playing peek-a-boo with the baby, generating squeals of laughter from him.

And when you have decided that you have entertained the baby enough and decided to sit up to grab a drink, the baby suddenly extends both his arms and calls you; "Papa, carry". Papa, his first words and that it's your baby. Tears of happiness well up in your eyes and you are choked with emotions. No words can describe how you feel at that moment in time. It's a culmination of months of a tiring journey; the joy in your face when your wife tells you she's pregnant, the anxious look on your face typical of first time fathers as you held her hand, giving her the support in the maternity ward,  the nightly feeding sessions, his first words. 

As you wake up, you have that silly smile on your face. But that smile disappears when you realise that it's just a dream. You try to decipher the dream, try to recollect the thoughts and wonder who has the dubious "honour" of being the mother. Yet, try as you might, you can't see her face. The only clue you have is through your baby, a symbol of your union as one. 

You wonder if that scene will even happen at all in the first place, given the state of things these days. Those rational ones will think that dreams aren't real because they aren't made of matter, of particles. But dreams are real. They are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes. One thing is for sure. The One whom you marry must have been your dream, one who made you who you are, and one whereby holding her in your arms was more natural to you than your own heartbeat. There could never have been another.

Keep dreaming..

You were once told that you are a 二十四孝 guy who spoils his other half rotten. Well, with your limited experience in relationships, you can't tell whether it's a compliment or sarcasm. But what you do know is that when you love someone, you will do everything in your capacity to make sure your other half is happy.

It doesn't have to be a fanciful dinner in an expensive restaurant nor does it have to be an expensive chill out place at Equinox. You were always taught to keep it simple for it's the moments shared which are more important. You are more concerned in her well being than bringing her to those fanciful places. 

When you know that a piping hot bowl of BCM for a cold and wet day is what she needs after a rough day at work, you will just go and get it without second thoughts, even though she says she is not hungry. Sometimes or most of the time, you pack breakfast or dinner knowing that these are the two meals she tends to neglect. You rather bring her for long walks by the beach to let her breath in the fresh air after being cooped up in the office breathing recycled air. But it doesn't give you an excuse not to go on the pretext of saving money. A once in a while experience definitely have to be catered for, not to celebrate special events but also as a random surprise.

Caring for her well being goes beyond the essentials of satisfying her cravings and hunger pangs. It extends to you are there in her moments of need. You still remember the times when she texted you in the middle of the night when she should be sound asleep. You jump awake like the days when you were activated for ops duty. The sleepy face is transformed into a worried look as you rush down to her place just to make sure she is ok, bringing her to the doctor if you have to. 

But doesn't that result in bigger expectations and bigger disappointments, you may ask? Expectations are formed and it is true that there will also be disappointments if it's not met. Yet, like a certain telco advertisement once said, they can cover up to 99.9% of the island. Even this reputable telco cannot guarantee a 100% coverage so what makes you so sure that you can meet 100% of the expectations?

The point is, you will do your best to meet the expectations and be there for her but yet ready to mitigate the letdown. At the end of the day, communication is the key in any relationships and as long the intent is met (which is making her happy), it's good enough for you. And besides, what's a little bit of argument and disappointment to spice up the love life and cherish each other?

So no matter what people says about you, you will continue to pamper your other half for she deserves the happiness that you can provide her.

Standing by the window,
Taking in the silence of the night,
Warm and humid breeze coursing through the hair.
Longing....

Why do I keep missing you?

Are you missing me too?

Another run clocked and this time round it's the Civil Service Club Run. It's another of those runs which leads up to the ultimate StanChart Marathon in December, one which you have stayed away for 2 years. As you place the Finisher medal into the display cabinet and the running tee into the cabinet, you realised that you have accumulated a huge amount of running paraphernalia since 2006. 

But an interesting conversation with the Empress Dowager sets you thinking and became an inspiration for this post. "都不值钱，跑这样多拿了那么多，有何用？" Basically, these Finisher medals aren't worth anything even if you want to sell it, so what's the use? Despite not worth it's weight in gold, these medals are worth its weight in the memories created.

Each Finisher medal tells a story of its own. Some stories brings back alot of laughter when you reminisce about it; like your first and only night marathon (Sundown Marathon) where you fought the Z-monster and had a Big Mac meal at the old ECP Macdonalds with your running mates after succumbing to hunger pangs; like how you gritted your teeth to finish your first StanChart Marathon after hitting the wall at 23km mark, and; how excited you were when you completed your first running event with the love of your life, J, at the Singtel Run Against Cancer.