Among the mountains we met,
Brought together by Fate.

Because of the expectations we laid,

Plenty of heartaches we create.

Yet a silly mistake I made,

Was the final straw it take.

Which resulted in a tearful break.

Now that plenty is at stake,

I cannot bear to break,

The plans that have been laid.

I want to hate, but I couldn't hate.

Because love has overcome hate.

My love for you have never dissipate,

For you have always been my Fate.

The times when you look forward to receiving her text messages and that it brightens your day...just a simple hello, how's the day, etc.

But it won't be coming because you know you have been relegated to the "good friend" zone. Yet, you still stare at your mobile, hoping that it will come.It will never come anymore, nothing more than a few words of encouragement to spur you on, a listening ear to pay back the favour.

You just have to come to realisation you are no longer her center of the world even though she is still yours. Like a rocket powering up to escape the force of Earth's gravity, you are no longer relevant... 

As one of my old time friend from the service days told me this afternoon over lunch, when you are heartbroken, it's always good to talk about it so you can expel all the feelings out. The more you keep it inside, the more it will drive you crazy.

Have been talking to J these few days over alot of things, just like before; advising her on her career, listening to her frustrations, reminding her on the need to discuss various issues with him. Even though I hope that we can get back together, it's no longer possible as so much things have changed. Her heart is no longer with me and she is gearing towards marriage. While I shall reserve my comment of her relationship will pan out in the future here, I have written it down in my journal. 

All things being said, I believe that when one is married, things changed and open, frank communication is necessary for a lasting marriage. Its no longer my plan nor your plan and more of OUR plan. Just like planning a battle, all plans must be thought through and various agencies consulted before a consensus is agreed upon. 

There's alot of lessons I have learnt and that I would apply when I get into the next relationship, which may not come. For I once said, not many girls can catch my attention as much as one which can engage me intellectually. You may be beautiful, but if you can't engage me intellectually, I will just switch off. Engage me intellectually and you will have my attention.

Thus, I still have a tinge of regret over J for I know that despite her stubborn character and bad temper, we are quite compatible intellectually. And we always seem to be able to read each other's mind quite well, not to mention we can keep up with each others running pace very well. Even though she needs a training buddy, I cannot bring myself to volunteer for I know that it will complicate things for her and us. I have been the third party and I don't want to end up as the one who breaks up the marriage.

As the saying goes, if its meant to be, it will always find a way to come back to you.

The letter was crafted and given to J together with the wedding gift from Tiffany. All these while, we have been meeting for lunch near her workplace. Seeing her frustrated and stressed-out face pains me and made me more resolute in be there for her to destress.

But alas, this has come to an end for we had a major argument last night after meeting up for coffee in the evening. All thanks to yours truly, as I just couldn't keep my mouth shut and dug up the past. I asked her how we could just white-wash over everything and act as if nothing has happened. That got her upset immediately and I got upset. It wasn't easy for us (more for her) and I wanted to understand why.

The big scare hurt her real deep and it didn't help that I wasn't there nor did I even check on her status. The only time I did check on her was when things was already over. It's my fault and I admit it. Not only that, she asked me whether I had thought of the consequences if it really happened. Well, the answer is very clear-cut; I would had dropped everything and come back home to address the issue and face the music, for it's only fair that I take responsibility for it.

She has already been hurt many years before and this repeat incident had really hurt her real deep. That's why she did what she did. My lack of respect for her, my clumsiness, my lack of responsibility was my own undoing. 

I destroyed a beautiful relationship.

I destroyed us.

I still have plenty of questions; 

Is it because of the pressure by the family? Because nobody except close friends knew about us. 

Is it because of the house? Because they are collecting the keys in December.

I worry about her because her stubborn character coupled with her late nights at the office may undo the marriage. I always believe that when one is married, there should be a balance between late nights and spending couple time together. Well, I will no longer know how she is doing anymore for she has blocked my number from Whatsapp and I don't know when we will either meet or speak again. 

For now, all I can do is watch her from afar and wish her all the best. But one thing is for sure, anytime she needs me, I will be there..

Life these days revolve around exercising and constant revision. Applications sent out have not been heard and it's coming to 2 weeks since I last returned. Every Saturday is a day whereby I pore the Recruit portion of the newspaper, looking at job openings while waiting out for a chance of interview.

In between that, the gym, running track and the library are the most frequent places I have been visiting. The gym never ceases to bring back memories of our time there. For those who have been reading this, I shall not repeat it for I guess many are getting frustrated at my constant musings. It's a baggage which I would have to live with for life.

While commuting home today, I was contemplating of writing a letter to her and giving it together with a wedding present which I have gotten when I was in US. Right now, I am not in the right frame of mind to craft the letter. I need a place whereby I can collect my thoughts and craft it out. But no matter what, it would be ready before her wedding.