Sunday, October 30, 2011
The first step to healing..
I am going to bring her for counselling to help her get over this. She needs help before she sinks even further.
The fact that she is telling me all this so that I will leave her to self destruct on her own shows that I mean alot to her and she don't want to taint me. So no way am I going to leave her when she needs me the most. I will stand by her until she recovers from this episode and gain back her self-respect, values and confidence.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Saturday, October 29, 2011
Helping her gain back what's she lost..
I don't know why but I am experiencing a lousy feeling similar to what I felt when I told her to try it out with her ex-boyfriend. But yet, the feeling is not intense as the previous episode.
It makes me wonder why the feeling is less intense as compared previously. Is it because the previous episode has made me a stronger person or have I learnt to accept? Or is it because of our deep conversations that have created a sense of connection between us? These are the questions that are revolving in my mind at the moment.
She is a different person when she is drunk and when she is sober. When she is sober, I feel that I can connect to her inner soul and ask her questions which stirs her thoughts. But when she is drunk, I can't seem to reach into her inner soul. Instead, the inner demon within her appears and the need to indulge becomes so strong. Linking all the conversation we had, now I finally understand why she is a horrible and bad girl. She admitted that she has thrown aside her moral values in pursuit of indulgence. While she knows that its wrong and wants to correct it, she finds it difficult to get rid of the indulgence.
Both of us nearly indulged in each other last night after a couple of drinks. Both of us wanted it badly yet she pushed me away as she didn't want to hurt me. She didn't want me to change into a bad guy because of her as it was not in my nature. To her, I am just too good a guy to be ruined and led to the dark side. She also said that if we continued on this madness, I am going to get hurt someday.
Am I going to let her carry on this path of
self-destruction? Its like taking drugs; once you have tried it, its difficult to kick the habit. To me, I know that she is trying to prove a point; that all guys are the same. But I am worried that she will get hurt one day. I have thought about it and no way am I going to let her
carry on this path. Hope my love for her will be strong enough help her get over this. Even if I have to sacrifice myself to make her come to her senses, I will do it. Its for her to get back the moral values that she once so cherished.
My friends are worried that I will end up being the ultimate loser one day and I do acknowledge their care and concern for me. All I can say is that I have failed so many times before, so what's another failure? Like what my coach said; "To bring out the best in an individual, you must first learn to be honest with yourself. If you can't forgive yourself, how are you going to help others. Learn not to judge. Learn to Listen, Learn to stay detached (i.e Don't get too emotionally involved). And the most important of all, Be sincere and genuine". That will still be one of my guiding principles to bring her back to her senses. For I love her, just the way she is.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Learning about acceptance...
Last week has been an emotional roller-coaster ride for me and I was trying to reconcile with it.
I had a long talk with a close friend to determine the best way out. And throughout our conversation, he has made me realised that I have screwed up in the way I handled the situation. He was of the opinion that the way I para-phrase my words, especially in an exchange of SMSes, will connote other intentions even though I meant otherwise. Such is the power of words.
In the end, he told me that I lie low for the next two weeks and not to mention about the incident again. In addition, I was to go back to the status quo and act as if nothing has happened at all. In the end, I planned to test water on Thursday to see what her reaction was. Eventually, this didn't happen as she was the one who initiated the conversation via email asking me about our usual Saturday roller-blading activities. We spent the time teasing each other and we went out as usual for the blading session, only that this time I was doing my running training for the upcoming Newton run.
After our blading session and subsequently dinner, we bought some drinks and spent some time talking about me. In short, I told her about my life and how I felt about her. The reason I told her about my life was that during the two months whereby we were going out, I have not been telling her about myself. The barriers which I have put up around me, while having been lowered for her, has not allowed her to really know me.
That Saturday night, I told her about growing up as the eldest in the family-she is the youngest child in the family and the pressures I faced. I told her about my view of being a relationship which I guessed resonated with her; that being in a relationship means accepting the imperfections in each other and bringing out the best in each other. In addition, she shared that she won't want her partner to change because of her and would rather be himself, which also resonated with me deeply.
She is the first girl in my life thus far who I feel can connect with me at an intellectual level and really understand what I say. I am saying this because, many a time, the girls who I use to date would rather avoid this issue than to engage in such a deep discussion with me. When she mentioned that she is a horrible girl for asking me out as she don't want to hold me back and lead me on, I told her that I am aware of this and it was not a fault of hers.
I told her that fate brought me to her, being her friend was a choice but falling in love with her was beyond my control. While I may not be able to make her like me, understand me and want me, I just hope that someday she will. She shared that her previous relationship was not built on a strong foundation and that they got together after a second date. While they lasted 2 years, I think because of the lack of strong foundation, they called it a day.I want her to know me better and through time build up our friendship before deciding whether to take the plunge into the relationship.
After our conversation that night, I felt more at ease with myself. I guessed the course which I attended has really allowed me to learn to be fair and honest to myself. Through group sharing, I spent alot of time reflecting and really coming to terms with who I am and what I want to be. In addition, hearing from our female trainer's perspective, I have also realised why she is the way she is.
I guess at the end of it, I walked away from this 5 day course a better person and learning the meaning of self-acceptance. It has helped me to understand her better and to find a way to bring the best out in her. Now, if only I know how to be more naughty...
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Monday, October 17, 2011
Enough said...
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Sunday, October 16, 2011
Making the painful choice..
When you have to make the painful choice for the sake of her happiness, you just have to do it. And I took the painful step by telling her to give her and her ex-boyfriend a chance again.
After yesterday's roller-blading session, I could see from the ex-boyfriend's eyes that she still meant alot to him. The pain hit me when her university classmate told the ex-boyfriend to send her back while I send the classmate home. Looking back, I felt relieved that the university classmate said that as it would had prevented her from being trapped in an awkward position. Friends have told me that I did the right thing.
In addition, they also told me that I should not set a timeline for myself as it would mean giving myself pressure and cause me to lose the girl. Coming from them, they are right and I shouldn't do that. In fact, they told me I have been too nice and should be a bad boy. Well, its difficult for a reformed person like me.
And today, when I wanted to give her the flowers that I was supposed to give yesterday, the ex-boyfriend surprised her. I guessed correctly that the ex-boyfriend felt threatened by my mere presence and is going all out to win her back. While it was within my assessment, I could still feel the pain.
At the end of the day,
Meeting
you was fate.
Becoming
your friend was choice.
But
falling in love with you was beyond my control.
I
can’t make you love me, want me or understand me.
All I
can do is hope that someday you will.
I will still be there for her... Labels: Matters of the heart
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Monday, October 03, 2011
What do you do when you know the girl is contemplating between you and ex-boyfriend?
When I received news that the choice was between me and the ex-boyfriend, I was just, simply put, sad. I knew that it was already too late to extricate myself from the minefield as I have now reached the phase whereby either I get out of it and reach the objective or get blown up.
Reflecting aloud, I have asked myself what is the main reason behind courting her? That she is happy. As long as she is happy, nothing is more important than that.
Guess I have finally understood
what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness
more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be. So, whatever choice she makes, so long she is happy, nothing is more important.
She has often told me that she don't want me to get hurt, but I have told her not to worry about me as I am already used to the world of hurt. But as long as she is happy, its ok.
Labels: Matters of the heart
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Sunday, October 02, 2011
Chipping the ice sculpture..
The past week has been sort of emotional roller coaster ride for me. Even though I want to take it slow for fear of hurting her feelings, both of us slowly being drawn closer together. When she texted me on Wednesday asking me to rescue her from the Mess and I didn't reply after an hour, she got her ex-boyfriend to rescue her instead.
I knew then that I have already reached the point of no return and I cannot afford losing her. I think I have fallen into the deeper end of the pool with no possibility of salvaging my feelings if things don't work out between us.
But I guess deep inside her heart, she is also contemplating her feelings for me and I can sense that I mean alot to her. I knew she didn't want to hurt my feelings as I have been nice to her throughout. She has repeatedly told me that I am a great guy whom she doesn't deserve and that I ain't her type of guy. But her actions have proven otherwise.
Last night, as I was driving her home after our soccer match date, she kept asking me why I am so nice to her. I told her if I am not nice to her, then who else. She hugged me again and we had our first kiss outside her house. At that moment, time stood still for us and I can feel all her resolve melting. I told her that I will wait until she is ready to plunge into the deep end and that I will continue to be there for her. Meanwhile I told her to enjoy the moment and let nature take its course.
Guess getting into a relationship is like making an ice sculpture. It takes time and alot of effort to ensure that the sculpture turns into a beautiful piece of artwork. And chipping of the ice block must be done carefully to prevent it from breaking.
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