Another passenger aircraft went on an eternal flight on Sunday, capping a bad year for aviation. Based on the news reports, it seems like the aircraft may have been brought down by the thunderstorms which have affected the region for the entire week. In fact, when you plotted the aircraft's route out and overlay it with the weather satellite photos (yes, there are free flight planning software available online to do so), the possibility was quite high.

As a fellow pilot, you wonder what transpired in the Captain's and First Officer's mind when they saw the towering cumulonimbus (CB) clouds billowing to their flight altitude and beyond in front of them. Their first reaction would be to notify ATC (which they did), seek approval to circumnavigate and climb above the clouds.

You knew that because all pilots were taught of the dangers of CB clouds during flight training. While the popular belief that flight into thunderstorms are scary due to the risk of lightning strikes, it isn't the case as all aircraft are equipped with static discharge wicks to dissipate any electrical energy from any lightning strikes. What you always worry about when you fly near CB clouds is the downdrafts. Remember the convection theory during the Phyics classes where you are taught that warm air rises and cool air descends? These downdrafts which measure up to 6000ft/min can easily wreck havoc on an airplane if they are caught in it. 

If something had happened, there wouldn't even be enough time to send out a distress call as the flight crew would had been busy saving the aircraft according to all pilots' unspoken rules in aircraft emergency; Aviate (Fly the plane), Navigate (Determine where you are) and Communicate (When the situation is under control). Unfortunately, you don't think the flight crew had enough time to do so.

There have been tragic stories circulated about some passengers' last messages (Goodbye forever), of family members who came back on an earlier flight and losing the others in this flight, of one family who decided to take a trip together before one of the sons get married next year. It serves to remind you to treasure your loved ones even though it may be a love-hate relationship and live a life without regrets.

It made you realise how much J meant to you (and hopefully you to her) when you were caught in those "life-flashing-in-front-of-your-eyes" situations during your flight training. The experiences made you love her more than you could ever be, treasure every moments you spent together like it's going to be the last and kiss her goodbye like it's going to be the last. 

Well, you have digressed. You hoped that the SAR crews would be able to find the wreckage and recorders soon so that the mystery will be solved. May God be with them...

After opening the heavenly dams for the entire day, the rain has finally stopped. It seems that the rain has washed away the accumulated grime and smells of a tired old place, replacing it with a clear one where stars shine brightly and the air smells so fresh. The peacefulness of the night is something you relish as you pen this entry.

Despite the dampening spirit of the rain, you walked in it, letting the rain droplets cleanse your tortured soul, restoring it to where it once belong, giving you the faith to carry on with life. Snuggled comfortably under the blankets with a book and a glass of wine, you wondered if J is also doing the same thing. Both of you love the rain, enjoying the relief it brings to the hot and humid home. In fact, both of you would rather spend the rainy day snuggled under the blankets just doing perfectly nothing, reading the book, chatting about random things, cuddling together and having your special homemade English breakfast washed down with a steamy mug of coffee.

Yes, this is the life you have yearned for and always looked forward to ever since you met J. With her, you can picture yourself doing this forever and not even get tired of it. The mind is indeed a funny piece of equipment ever installed on your body for it's capable of generating plenty of imaginations and dreams. But that old soul of yours knows that in this realistic world, dreams can only be realised when practical needs are met.

So you do know that for all your thoughts of J, it isn't practical anymore. Good night...

  

The best Christmas present you can receive this year is that of being employed. While it's not that elusive flying job that you wanted, at least it's a job whereby you can replenish the exhausted coffers. Sadly, such euphoria of earning your own keep and replenishing your coffers hasn't sat well with the parents. 

For starters, everybody is expected to contribute to the household expenses when you are gainfully employed and you are no exception. When you were back in the Service, a quarter of your pay went towards household expenses and you were able to squirrel away quite a substantial amount of money. Indeed, the pay package was very generous with bonuses on a quarterly basis. The large influx of money available wasn't of much concern to you and thus you didn't monitor it as closely as you ought to.

As mentioned in one of the post previously, after an extensive review of the finances over the past month, you realised that you could had saved an additional $100,000 more if you have been more prudent. In fact, you were lucky that the bonuses covered the monthly deficit caused by the hefty insurance premiums for yourself and parents and the generous household expenses. Now that you have revamped your own financial planning, you have to be very prudent in the spending and be aggressive in the savings. You still have outstanding loans to the bank and parents that warrants plenty of attention. While you are adverse to loans, there have been times that you needed to take out some loans in order to stretch the dollars. 

What this meant that you had to reduce the contribution of the household expenses by at least 75% while servicing the loans, paying the insurance premiums and saving up. Unfortunately the parents have not been very happy with this arrangement for they feel that the contribution should be equal to what was received when you were in Service.

Expectations.

It's all about expectations which has recently been a very dirty word to you. As the eldest, you are expected to do more for the family and be the pillar. Your little brother stays out and the parents doesn't say a thing and you stay out, they lament that there's nobody to hold the fort. When you are told of an opportunity to fly in New Zealand, the parents interject by saying that your presence in the family is much more desired back home. Now that all the siblings are earning their keep and contributing to the household expenses compared to 4 years ago, shouldn't there be a fairer share of workload across everybody?

Sometimes you just have to sacrifice for the family like what one of your senior officer mentioned before. You have only one family, one which is your safety net and one who supports you unconditionally. Thus, you just have to sacrifice whatever you are doing in order to fulfill the familial duties. But, is the sacrifice ever enough?

Christmas is here again. Last year, you remembered that despite feeling miserable and sad, you still made a simple dinner of turkey and glazed ham for your housemates. But it did nothing to alleviate the loneliness and longing for J. You remembered lying on that bed of yours feeling terrible and lonely while the rest of the housemates went out partying.

One year on, the feelings of loneliness are still there. Even though you are now back in the fold of family and friends, meeting up with friends for Christmas dinners, spending Christmas and the eve of at relatives' place, nothing will replace the emptiness you feel. You would rather spend the festive season with J but of course, you won't be spending Christmas, New Year or other festivals together any more. Come to think of it, you have never spent any festive season together, save birthdays.

Perhaps she is happily celebrating the festive season together with him and in the company of friends and family. Nothing can replace the stability and security that she deserves in this festive season and for many more to come. If you can make a wish to Santa for any Christmas present, you will just wish for her to be happy, not to be too hard on herself, both physically and mentally and that she will always be surrounded by plenty of joy and laughter.

Oh god, you miss her so much....but it's still better for you to miss her than the other way round for it's not right for her to do so. Merry Christmas!!  

22nd of December traditionally has been celebrated as Winter Solstice for the Chinese. It's one of the important festivals for the Chinese whereby families gather and glutinous rice balls or tang yuan are consumed. Tang yuan symbolises reunion and also signify that one is a year older. For you, it's significant for having home-made tang yuan has always been a must for you and now you are finally home this year to celebrate with the family. 

As the year draws to a close, it's time to review the past year and plan the year ahead. Even though you have summarised some aspects of your life during your birthday, it's time now to look at it deeper. Focusing on the inner soul for the past year have made you more more tolerant, accepting and aware of other people's feelings. Despite being pensive, some things never change; trust is still important to you and that you don't like to be taken for granted (or like a door mat in layman terms). You rather be told the truth than lied to for lies always hurts more than the truth.

You have also surprised yourself by loving someone so deeply to the extent of buying a pair of rings for marriage purposes when you are back from US. Unfortunately, some things are not meant to be. But it has also allowed you to appreciate the unconditional love of your family and friends. Without them, you would had fallen into the pit of depression and not know when you would recover. Admittedly, the heart still hurts and you think of J all the time but you are also cognisant that she is blissfully married and is on course to a great future with him. Well, as long as she is happy, nothing is more important. Isn't that always what you wanted for her?

Moving forward, you are going to focus on the build up the finances aggressively for the house,wedding and car (in that order) within the next 5 years. Even though you have saved up a substantial amount of assets over 10 years of employment, you could had save more if you had a more robust financial plan. Now that you have gotten your act together, you have worked out a plan to save and invest in an aggressive manner. 

It will be tough, but you are confident you will prevail. Happy Solstice.

Isn't it great that the rainy weather is here again?

As you look at the rivulets of water streaming down the windows, you wonder about how nice it is to have such a cooling weather. Even though the rain can be a nuisance to the daily activities,;interrupting the commute to work, creating traffic snarls, wouldn't it be better if one take a step back and enjoy the cooling weather?

The cooling weather beckons to you with a steamy mug of coffee and the cosy sofa ensconced you in its arms as you devour the contents of the book. And in this cooling weather, when meal time beckons, a hot bowl of BCM or porridge is all it needs to keep you warm and satisfied. The only thing missing is sharing it with someone you love.

As you sit there with your book and mug of coffee, you wonder if J is also enjoying the cooling weather. But you know that it's still the work week and she is perhaps in the office, working hard as usual. Hopefully she is all wrapped up from the cold. In fact in this cooling weather, there's nothing better than to cuddle up with her under the blankets, sharing a cup of soup while reading your favourite books.

Ar..memories..how nice it is to reminisce about them. Never mind that J doesn't remember, for so long you are still alive, these memories will stay with you. 

According to the Chinese Lunar calendar, today is your Lunar birthday. And also the second month to the exact day of you know what I meant.

As per tradition, one cannot leave out the traditional long noodles with two hard-boiled eggs which represent long life. Whether you have long life or not is inconsequential for you know that you have lived a good life thus far. Well, almost. As you slurped down the noodles, you wished that J was the one who had cooked it for you. 

You wonder how J is living her life these days for it has been a long time since both of you spoke. Perhaps it's better this way for you don't want to complicate things. You still miss her tremendously, those mischievous twinkling eyes, the incessant teasing, the anything-under-the-sun-chatter and the cuddling. Perhaps it's the memories that you miss and not the person you are in love with. But without her, how would there be memories? How can there be love if there wasn't a stolen moment of freedom? For Love begins in a moment, grows over time and lasts forever.

But you know that you have to cut yourself loose from the shackles of the past, just like how she has decided to distance herself from you. A quote from Obama's speech this morning has resonated strongly with you and has summed up what you have been feeling and what you ought to do:

"Change is hard, in our own life and in the life of a nation.
Change is harder if we carry the burden of history on our shoulders.
But today we are making the changes because its the right thing to do.
Sometimes we have to cut loose from the shackles of the past so that we can have a better future.."

Slowly but surely, the shackles of the past will be cut, link by link and the future will be better. The feelings of bitterness and abandonment will also be replaced by feelings of sweetness and appreciation. 

Sipping your red wine and looking upon the stars, you looked at the bottle of red wine and smiled to yourself at the memories that came to you; the memories of how someone's ingenuity made you cut your alcohol intake.

Indeed, your drinking habit, which has bordered on alcoholic, has been the constant source of worry for friends and family alike. You never found any problem with the drinking for it was a way of socialising and relaxation after a hard day of work. In fact, no one could control this hardcore drinking of yours and so much so that you once boasted that only your wife can do that.

Enter J.

Somehow or rather, this plucky and tenacious lady found a way to tame that horrendous drinking habit of yours. Till now, you are still amazed over the hold she has had on you over the drinking. Every time you touch that bottle or pint of beer, that little voice just starts playing, reminding you of the calories it contains, thereby preventing you from drinking more than you should. And that was how you cut down on your drinking.

You are not as irritated about this as you are amused about this for somehow it have prevented your battered liver from further abuse. Perhaps it's also a form of realisation that you are not getting young anymore and that she came into your life just in time to save you from further liver abuse.

These days, you are contented with just a glass of red wine to while the day away. But it would had been better if J was sharing it with you. But such is the fate of life.

It has been a great weekend with the friends, one which provided an uplift to your sombre mood. It made you realise that you are never alone in this journey of life. Their jokes, laughter, listening ear, advice and words of encouragement has given you the strength to walk the journey of life.

During one of the gatherings, one of your buddies mentioned that he would be getting married due to unforseen circumstances. After recovering from the "shell shock" over the turn of events, he started planning for the wedding in true military fashion with the Group's help. In military parlance, what was supposed to a deliberate battle procedure requiring 5-year workplan has been condensed into a hasty battle procedure of 6 months. Even though it's not your wedding, the announcement has lifted your mood tremendously. Knowing that he had the wisdom and experience of the older guys to watch over his six gave him the comfort to plan his big day.

Interestingly, it also made you wonder how your own wedding will turn out, from the proposal to the actual day. Even though things may not had turned out as you wanted to, knowing that you have a general idea of how your wedding will be like gives you the comfort that if the time does come, you will be able to do a good job. It doesn't have to be a fanciful and expensive one, but a memorable and romantic one, one that will bring a smile to her when she reminisce about it many years down the road. To maintain the secrecy of the proposal and wedding, you won't divulge it here for you want to keep it as unique as possible.

So much on the wedding. Another event that brought plenty of joy and laughter was catching up with your university classmates. Known as 2L2C, the group has known each other for 11 years. Despite being saddled with their career and family these days, everyone is still lame and crappy all the time. Conversations still range from catching up with each other, teasing one another, outdoing one another in the lameness category to sharing of best practices on bringing up kids.

The funniest reaction came when you told them that you are planning to go into the HR line. While acknowledging that you would be up to the task given your experience in the organisation,  their look of disbelief that a foul-mouthed and dialect-speaking ah beng could be in the HR line sure brought plenty of smiles to your face. 

Looking back, you know that the joy, laughter and plenty of support is what the powers-to-be up there is providing you to climb out of the abyss. You still miss J and what could had been the greatest moments of your life together but you know that she won't be missing you for she is blissfully married now. Well, even though you love her tremendously, it will never be reciprocated. But as long as she is happy in her journey, it will be good enough for you. Like what W. H. Auden said, " If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.”

Don't you agree that we live in a world of expectations?

These expectations range from how our family think our life should be, how our bosses and subordinates think we should do our jobs, how people will view us if we take the road less traveled and how we should behave in certain situations. If we do not meet their expectations, they become concerned, upset and what-have-you. The thing is, why can't you just live up to your own expectations?

The often self-proclaimed fact of:"Been there, done that and hence you better listen to me" authority and the pressure to conform to society's norms has often led you to lose your own identity. Some may not understand what's the big deal about this. If you are someone who is contented with what life has given you and happy with following the pack, then just carry on with your life. Just remember this though. As the years go by and you get bogged down in your commitments of house, car and family, living instead, on other's expectations of you and losing your sense of identity in the process. Will you be happy when you are on your deathbed that you lived to their expectations and not your own?

Is that what you want?

Of course some may console themselves by saying that without expectations, there won't be any disappointments. All you can say is that it's just a lousy way of consoling yourself. Disappointments are part of the equation to expectations. When your expectations doesn't turn out the way as you have envisaged, you will naturally feel disappointed. But through disappointments, you become stronger for any decent human being will evaluate the what, why, when and the how it went wrong. You will know that when the time comes, these lessons will bode well for you know what not to do. Sometimes it's better to live on your own terms, your own expectations, your own terms, instead of being dictated by others. That way you wouldn't have any regrets in life.

So ask yourself today, are you living for others or living for yourself? Are you someone who is constantly seeking answers and willing to push the boundaries?

After a hiatus of 1 year, you finally challenged yourself to the full marathon of 42.195km or 26.2 miles. It was a home-coming of sorts as it marks your return to long distance running, one which you should have done last year. 

Despite having ran a few marathons, you were still ill-prepared for the muscle aches and scorching sun which hampered you during the run. You didn't do any long distance running, save the 15km CSC run in November and 21km AHM in August, which was obviously not enough. There just weren't any motivation for you to do your long runs, something which you used to do with a vigour.

The run started off amidst a large turn-out of runners, all with one objective in mind: to finish the run. Sadly, the running etiquette of keeping to the left if you are slower or walking wasn't followed. Runners were weaving in and out of the walking party as you struggled to maintain your pace. Fortunately, you were able to maintain a consistent pace and the run became more comfortable as you reached ECP.

ECP has always been your domain for long distance runs, a place where you are comfortable running from one end to the other and in the recent times, sharing your favourite place with J. It's also a place where you are always comfortable in completing. But somehow, this time, you just didn't have the motivation to complete the ECP stretch. With the cramps and salt abrasions acting up, you gave up at the 24km mark, walking the rest of the way.

As you trudged along, you had the silly thought that she would be there at different checkpoints screaming at you to keep going and that the beer would be at the finishing point. But you also knew that it won't be happening as she would be tired with all the wedding partying the night before. But such thoughts kept you going long enough till you crossed the finishing point. 

Even when you crossed the finishing point 6 hrs 41 mins after starting off, the sense of jubilation and achievement wasn't there. Perhaps, you have outgrown your marathon-running days and that it's time to stick to half-marathon henceforth. Perhaps it's also time for you to learn to run on your own once more.    

You have been having sleepless nights for these few days. 

For all the love and the memories created, the end is finally here. The wedding must have been beautiful and intimate affair, with close friends and family, like the way she wants it. She must have been very happy with the outcome for the rain stopped and the sun came out, providing a stunning backdrop to the event.

There's nothing more you can do for you have tried your best. Her mind is made up, for in her mind, he is the best bet. Perhaps she is right. She doesn't need someone who is as emotional as you, one who makes her cry all the time and one who spoils her rotten. You can only put on a brave front and wish her the best for you know that as long as she is happy, nothing is more important. 

If her happiness has to be built upon your loss, so be it, for you know that she deserves someone better than you. As time goes by, you will fade away from her life with the memories confined to the abyss, one which nobody will ever know but both of you. If you do miss her, you will just look up at the beautiful skies and smile for that's all you have once shared.

Congratulations J..or should I say Mrs M. May you have a blissful marriage, that every waking moment of yours is filled with joy and that the warmth of love be surrounds you everytime you close your eyes.

Goodbye, my love..

Sometimes the state of human moods can be akin to the weather; understanding it is more of an art than science. The warm weather accentuates the anger and frustration with cool weather makes you feel relaxed and places you in a reflective mood. Rain is akin to the tears that you have been holding back, a shower to wash away all the your sorrows.

Rain can also be refreshing. You love walking in the rain, for it brings out the innocence of child in you, one which you have always kept guarded. The feel of the rain droplets on your face and the rivulets of water flowing down your body back to Earth makes you feel renewed for it seems that the sorrows and pain have been cleansed.  Rain seems to be God's way of telling you to start afresh after the tumultuous months.

Can one really start afresh?

You don't know. But you do know that you are more guarded and sarcastic these days. You prefer not to divulge anything more than necessary. People think that you are back to the happy and jovial person you used to be, but it's just a mask to hide all the sadness and pain that you feel. Where J used to be your source of comfort where you could your own vulnerable self, pouring out your pain, sorrows and frustrations, you don't do it anymore, not even with your friends. 

You don't need the chiding but empathy and listening ear, a hug to tell you that everything will be fine. While it's true that they have experienced such situations, would they understand the double whammy that you went through this year? You lost the girl you love deeply and your career is non-existent. It's not that you are finding fault with the world because you have no one to blame but yourself for your own predicament.

At the end of the day, you hope that everything is going to be fine. It's just one of the days where the weather would be bright and sunny in one instant, the next instant, thunderstorms and showers. 

Read an article which mentioned that the first person to say the sacred words: "I Love You" always loses.

How apt.

When you said that to J (and many times, in fact), you have already lost. Because it was a sign of weakness, telling her that you need her and have entrusted a part of you to her. Most importantly, you are telling her that you are relying on her for your happiness. You live for happiness and learnt to trust, let her into your life, one which have kept everybody at bay for a long time. But you have also learnt that the path to happiness have lead to a bruised and bleeding you.

J has given you the happiness that you never have imagined possible. Both of you have held on to each other, relying on each other's strength to keep going, depending on each other for happiness. But now, you have become more wary of happiness, unable to allow another one into your inner realm. Yet you kept holding on to the naive notion of happiness, one which is pure and innocent. 

You are each other's nemesis, worst critic but the best supporter and comforter. But to what end has it led to, you kept asking yourself? Over the weekend, you have repeatedly asked yourself where do you stand in her heart and how you fit in the grand scheme which she has envisioned. Sadly, you will never know for she has always protected herself well, not allowing anybody to know of her vulnerabilities for fear of being exploited.

But isn't love and happiness supposed to show your vulnerabilities and draw on each other's strength to compensate for it? Try as you had, it's a losing battle, for J has seldom displayed her vulnerabilities in front of you. For all you had done, it's just a means to an end, an end to both of you. Even though you have made tons of mistakes which set in motion the situation you are in today, you had tried your best to make amendments, hoping that she would understand. 

It doesn't matter anymore. It's all too late. You just have to tell yourself that no matter how much you have missed her and loved her with all your heart, she would never come back. For that's the strength of their bond and she cannot lose control of the situation. For after this week, she will be known as Mrs M.

You have lost because you never hesitated saying "I love you" first.