A recent conversation over the difference between romantic love and true love intrigued me enough to go online to seek knowledge. So what is love?

As determined after consultation with the dictionary, it is defined as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend, sexual passion or desire." So it is a combination of deep affection, endearment and sexual passion for another person. But there is different types of love. There are love for a friend, love between parents and child, etc.

Being interested in the difference between romantic love and true love, I delved deeper and found an article which caught my interest (http://1000petals.wordpress.com/2010/02/04/romantic-love-vs-true-love-and-why-happy-marriages-are-so-rare-in-the-west/). In essence, the article defined the difference by articulating "that love is the appreciation and recognition of another's value while romance is a love of not another person but of oneself" . Simply put, romantic love is premised on meeting our selfish needs while true love is about respecting, honoring and putting the other needs above their own. 

Now that I have gained an understanding of the difference, I know that my love for J back then was that of romantic love. I was selfish in my expectations and didn't respect nor honor her for the person she is. If I had communicated effectively, respect and honor her, putting her needs above my own, then things wouldn't had turn out the way it is Now its already water under the bridge. One day, if I do find the love of my life again, I will do my utmost to communicate, respect, honor and above all, put her needs ahead of mine.  

Right now, leaving everyone with my favourite verse of Corinthians 13:4 from the Bible:

Love is patient, 

Love is kind. 

It does not envy, 

it does not boast, 

it is not proud. 

It is not rude,

 it is not self-seeking, 

it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil 

but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, 

always trusts, 

always hopes, 

always perseveres. 

Love never fails. 

It has been a good and fruitful weekend. If time spent torturing the muscles is considered fruitful, then it is indeed time well spent. The muscles are aching but the end result will be a nice body shape, something which I always strive to achieve. But the lower back seems to be getting stiff these days. I think I should focus on the back-strengthening exercises to prevent it from getting too stiff.

With the gym done, it was off to my upper study's wedding. As it was a Service-themed wedding, there were plenty of familiar faces around. It became a catch-up session of sorts with networking and plenty of jibes thrown in. Its the camaraderie that one cannot find outside and one that bonds everybody together. 

But the best was being able to see my godson and gosh, he has grown so much after not seeing him for over a year plus. Kids, they grow up so fast that it makes me realised that when I have my own kids, I will do my best to make sure I capture their growing up years. Adding to that, when he called me Godpa, my heart just melted. For all his cheekiness and mischievous twinkle in the eye, he is also a very sweet chap. 

Even though I didn't have much opportunity to speak with BFF, it's at least a good start that we are catching up. Hopefully we will be able to have a good chat someday....

Kept myself occupied by going plane-spotting in the morning and helping out in a team-building event organised for Citibank this afternoon. Is it helping and working? Some may ask.

I would be lying if I said yes. Despite making myself tired, I have not been sleeping well for the past few days and it's not the weather which is causing it. The heart feels so heavy yet it's empty. Despite having a couple of glasses of wine to make it easier to sleep for the past few days, it ain't helping. 

For the first time in my limited time on the planet, I still can't fathom that someone has such a grip on me. Perhaps J is someone sent by the Heavens to keep me in check where others have failed. It's a joke which we always share whereby she is someone to keep me in check while I am her guardian angel sent to watch over her.

But things will change when she gets married. Certain boundaries would have to be adhered to prevent un-necessary heartaches to each other and contact may have to be kept to the bare minimum to make her life better. But change is one of the inevitable laws of nature and it will exact its toll on people's lives. Mistakes have been made, regrets formed and all that's left now are the repercussions that makes something as simple as rising from the bed seem laborious.

As time goes by, she will be able to look past all these and carry on with her life and have a blissful marriage like how she did it when I was away in US. As for me, everything is going to be fine..like it has been always...at the end of the day, it's just another scar which has been added to the armour. As one said, battle scars makes someone more attractive. 

Don't know how true that can be. We shall see..

 

A quiet night with a few glasses of red wine can make you emotional, especially after a day's worth of reflections. It is often said that whatever you said, or in this case, write in this page, are deemed to be from the bottom of your heart when you are inebriated with the grape.

Perhaps its true. This is my second post of the day and for someone who only writes occasionally, this is out of the norm.

Tonight, I mourn the loss of J. No, don't get me wrong..it's not the kind of loss but rather the kind of loss due to my own stupidity. What could have been now or forever will never be.The grief is there yet no tears come to my eyes. The pain is real yet no scream come out of my mouth.

The only thing I can wish now is that she leads a better life than me;

One which is happier than what I have given her,

One full of tender loving care from him,

One where she can pursue her dreams with full support.

As Kenny B sang and I thought its pretty apt at this point in time, 

只要你過得比我好, 

什麼事都難不倒
所有快樂在你身邊圍繞
什麼事都難不倒
一直到老

With the bus trundling to its destination and rain trickling down the windows, some may wonder that life must be treating me so well that I can afford the time to take a bus. Where the train journey just takes 21 mins as compared to an hour odd on the bus, I definitely can afford the time. Always a fan of long bus rides and rain, how nice it is to have the best of both worlds when you are in a pensive mood and needed time to reflect?

As I reflected about life and how it will treat me years down the road, a goofy smile came to my face as I caught the reflection in the window; one caused by the many funny moments that we had. Despite the teasing which often stuns me to silence, it's something...something that I could live with forever. It's during those moments that I felt most content, when I finally allowed myself to believe in the impossible. Those are the moments when everything seemed right in the world. There are so many things that I want to partake with her, from those quarterly staycations/vacations to exploring new places for chilling but it's not possible anymore.

Even as we stay incommunicado as promised, I hope that she is doing well. Like what she mentioned before, as long as one stays occupied, the thoughts of each other won't be that strong. But the mind is often quite capable of drifting away in an unexpected manner. And it's when it's drifting, the thoughts will drift to you. Be it during the early morning when one wakes up or when one is lying on the bed after a day's of work, my thoughts of her are undeniable. 

But you will have to continuously psyche yourself to feel happy for her even it's at the expense of your own. You will be sad as she walks down the aisle in a couple of weeks time but yet you will put on your battle-scarred armour suit and your best poker face, assure her that everything is going to be fine, just like how you assure her in the past when she is feeling down. 

Everything is going to be fine....everything is going to be fine....

You keep looking at your mobile phone, at the profile page, trying to find out how her day has been. Your hands is itching to text her to ask how her day has been and to give her an encouragement or two to keep her going through the dreary workday. But no, one has to remain incommunicado in order to give each other the space they need...the space to carry on with their lives...

Yes, you will miss each other; pushing each other at exercise sessions, the cuddling, the long walks, the constant teasing at each other expenses, chilling over a cuppa or even conversations over anything and everything. So many places, so many memories shared; our ECP where we did our long runs, long walks, the BKT and BCM at our favourite stalls...etc..

How long do we have to keep lying to ourselves that we miss each other? Yet we can't determine the difference whether it's just plain romance or love. Now you are just moving about with an emptiness in your soul, searching the crowds for the familiar face, that mischievous smile, that "innocent"-looking eyes and the smile of contentment after a teasing session. An impossibility, yet you just  can't help yourself. 

You know that there's a choice yet you know the best outcome doesn't lie with you. You are sad but you have come to a realisation that the logical choice is the one who is far more stable. If only love is as simple as an engineering problem. But no, love is not as simple as that. Love is an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense.

And there's never right or wrong in love. How long will we last, I don't know. But if it's meant to be, it will always find its way back.

We often have to remind ourselves the need to maintain our expectations, or even better, have no expectations. By having zero expectations, everything that happens will be a bonus, said Stephen Hawkings. 

Even though I have adopted a "no expectations, everything that happens is a bonus" mindset, I can't help but feel helpless and frustrated over some recent developments. I feel helpless because I cannot turn back time to right the wrongs and frustrated because there doesn't seem to anything I can do. Everything has already been set in motion and that you are living on borrowed time. You can only do so much and leave the rest to the good old people up there. It's just a reminiscent of a classic WW2 scene below whereby the damaged bomber is flying on just a wing and prayer and everybody is hoping that it will just bring them back to their home base.

But now it's so surreal that I am nothing but a spectator, watching the prophesied scenes being unfolded slowly in front of me. Try as you might but no matter how you shout and wave, it seems like the entire cast is oblivious to your presence. It's a curse that one has to live with when you can forsee the future. 

Oh..why am I blabbering away...everything sounds so incoherent. Time to go grab a coffee.   

I was out at my brother's new house when I noticed a large number of wedding cars. I guess today is an auspicious date to be married. Likewise, it can also be an auspicious one for Bethrothal or 过大礼. So, being the curious person (some called it kaypo) that I am, I decided to check up on the history of it.

Betrothal or 过大礼 in Mandarin, is the formalities performed by the groom to bind both families together, and it shows the sincerity of the Groom to the Bride’s family. It also serves to assure the bride's family that the bride will be well taken care after the bride is married into his family. Traditionally, this process is done two to three months before the distribution of invitation cards.  Nowadays this process is usually done two to three weeks before the wedding day and a good friend can also accompany the groom. 

A senior relative or match-maker will accompany the groom to present the 聘金 or betrothal money and gifts to the bride’s family. The betrothal gifts is also dependent on the dialect groups for different dialect groups would have different customs. The bride's family upon accepting the gift, will return a portion of the gift to the groom.

I have been through this ceremony before when I was helping out my friend's wedding and back then, I didn't really understand the significance of it, but now that I understand what it means, I will be better prepared for it when it comes. If it comes.

The launch of Iphone 6 and Iphone6+ herald a new era for Apple. A bigger and better screen to challenge its rival, Samsung Galaxy. With the new iOS8, it's supposed to make you a better photographer (even though I still believe in using a proper camera for that). But beyond the latest technology, it's just another smartphone. 

Yet the chase for the latest offering by Apple also provides an insight into human behaviour. For starters, people are willing to brave the scorching sun, the energy sapping humidity and the soaking rains without any complaints to queue up the day before the phone is released for sale. People bring their sleeping mats, water bottle, games, novels, power banks to stay comfortable and entertained through the night. Perhaps I am being biased, but you will surely see those who are serving or have served in NS complain about the "inhumane" treatment when subjected to such harsh elements.

But then again, NS does teach us a few tricks. Everything is broken down into the Observe-Orient-Decide-Act (OODA) cycle. In order to be the first few in the queue to get the coveted phone, effective observation of the target (the Nubox shop), Orientation of the likely approaches based on terrain analysis, Deciding on the ops plan and Acting on it is necessary. operational planning based on terrain analysis is necessary. An effective terrain study consists of walking the ground, finding the nearest entry point, laager area to harbour and movement plan. 

The most painful part is the execution phase when everybody has to make a run for the queue. That's when one determines whether the ops plan is successful and where the real human nature presents itself. The jostling and shouting over cutting of queue, claiming of spots really allows one to observe the ugly side of human nature. And the ones using profanities and make a big fuss are the young ah-bengs, ah-lians and the tourists. Yet another behaviour is observed; that of bonding over a common purpose. Chatting with the people around them, look after their belongings when they dash to the bathrooms for a quick toilet break and even share food and drinks to pass time became a norm as everybody waited for the shop to open.

In fact, the long overnight queue, the exchange of profanities and cutting of queues for the coveted phone can be summarised in a post in SGAG;

Out of 100 people who queue up for the new iPhone 6,

50 buy to resell and make a quick buck,

28 are paid to queue for other people,

19 eat already nothing better to do,

2 are just there to pick a fight over who is the bigger iDiot,

1 aunty queue because she see other people queue but don't what she is queuing for, but got queue means got good deal.

As for me? I ain't someone who will chase such fad but someone who went along to immerse in the experience and to earn some cold hard cash. 

Why does time passes by so fast when you are having fun and enjoying the company with someone special? Sometimes I just wish that time will just stand still so we can immerse ourselves without worrying about time running out. Yet with endless time, nothing is special. With no loss or sacrifice, we can't appreciate what we have.

Like Fate, Time has been cruel to them. 

Fate brought them together.

Time allowed them to know each other's dreams and fears.

Together, the union of Fate and Time resulted in Love.

Yet disagreements between Fate and Time resulted in Regret.

Regret is the nemesis of Love.

Both are fighting for the right to exist.

Who will be the ultimate victor?

Only Time will tell...

As the rain squall worked its magic in lowering the heat and humidity, a glass of red wine is apt in this cooling weather while I reflect on a conversation I once had with J. For the record, in between our exercise sessions, chilling sessions and impromptu staycations, we always have interesting conversations while dating.

One conversation which came to my mind this quiet night was on expectations. Every couple will have their expectations of each other and we are no different. Expectations are akin to a super-caffeinated energy drink, fuelling our dreams, hopes and our lives. Unfortunately, that was the dearth of our relationship for we didn't communicate and manage our own unrealistic expectations, causing many heartaches in the process. In my naivety, I thought that our love for each other would be able to smooth out all the differences.

Looking back, had we worked out our expectations or expected nothing, we wouldn't be disappointed. But I can never turn back time and have to live with my mistake. As for now, the only expectation I have is that she stay happy and I will whatever I can in my capacity to make sure she stays that way.

Ok, back to the bottle to reminisce of our good old days together...

It has been a while since I last penned my thoughts here. Instead, most of my thoughts have been captured in a black notepad which follows me on my journeys around our little island state. Even though it's not efficient keeping two entries, I think its pretty ok. 

For starters, a notepad is lighter than a laptop, doesn't need a wifi connection and allows me to pen my thoughts on a whim. I guess I have to thank J for sparking my interest in penning down my thoughts in a notepad, ala, The Notebook. It's been great capturing my thoughts that I am now on the second book. Do not fret as I will continue penning my thoughts here as and when I can.

Well, it's been 1.5 months since I have gotten back and it has been a learning journey of life itself. Life as a whole could always be better for you really appreciate that you can live a life on very little and accomplish plenty. It makes me wonder why I didn't save more money back when I was in the Service. Yet many people in the Service are still astonished that I managed to put aside such a huge amount over the span of 10 years. I guess the graph of spending power vs earning power grows exponentially if its not managed properly.

That's why I promised myself that once I get a job, I will put aside more money and invest heavily to build up for my retirement. As for the job applications, now the waiting game starts after sending various resumes to MOH, MOM, NEA, CAG, MPA, Cisco, SIA, Jetstar, Tiger Air and Hilton. Even though the airlines are not hiring this year, I am not going to be so hard up over it for I am going to give myself 2 years of trying for a flying job before settling down on another career for good. Some said it's a waste for I have sacrificed so much for the dream and I haven't gotten a job doing what I love. 

But one has to be pragmatic and realistic about the facts of life. While we can fervently chase the dream, the basic necessities of life still has to be fulfilled; paying of bills, feeding and rebuilding the nest egg still have to proceed. Even though I can't fly for a commercial carrier, I can still head back to US every year to fly, clock some hours and maintain my flying currency. I have lived my dream and can die without regrets. Ok, that's so self-alluding to say that I don't have any regrets. Losing J is my biggest regret and something that I will have to live with for life.

This is life. Like what Randy Pausch said in The Last Lecture, "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.", we just have to live with the consequences of our choices. It's interesting that we used to stay so near to each other, studied at the same university, hang out at the same neighbourhood, yet never even noticed each other until Fate brought us together. Such is the crazy way Fate charts out our life; it brought us together and leaves both of us to do our magic.

We created magic but just like pulling stuff from the magician's hat, everything went poof when I mess it all up. If only...