Your life definitely belongs to those which are designed to undergo hardship. When you thought that you may be immobilised for the next part of your life, the diagnosis came back with a clean bill of health. The verdict was more of a case of exhaustion.

But that aside, you are having mixed feelings. On one hand, you are relieved that it wasn't anything serious, on the other hand you worry when you would be able start exercising again. But such things cannot be rushed for everything takes time. Now that you are under strict orders not to touch a drop of alcohol until the completion of the medicine (not that you have been drinking that often), you just have to be disciplined and watch your food/drink intake.

J would definitely applaud in joy over this; not over the fact that you nearly got immobilised, but more of the fact you have to stay away from any alcohol. Truth to be told, your drinking episodes have reduced significantly. If J knew about it, she would had been proud of herself for making you cut down or even stop your drinking.

But too bad she won't be able to see this change for you don't know much about her ongoing life these days. Why would she even be interested in someone as insignificant as you when there are important things in her life these days? As much as you try to convince yourself how she broke your heart, you constantly miss her and worry about her well being. 

Such is the tussle that goes in your heart and unfortunately, the devilish "hate" part is losing the battle over the angelic "missing and worrying" aspects. You just ain't that hard-hearted enough to hate. Perhaps it's just meant to be; that it's something so near yet so far, one that you wished you could bridge across and live forever.

It's been a long day without her presence and you want to tell her all about it when you see her again. But yet, when would the day come? 

Again you made the detour to the place and sat there contemplating for eons despite having little sleep the previous day. It's still possible to go on despite the enormity of the pain. And with time, the grief has become less overwhelming and more manageable. But yet, the many things that has already been ingrained in your daily cycle still reminds you of her. You hope for a miracle but you know that it will never happen for you are not worth the sacrifice 

You wonder whether she feels the same way too, but you seriously doubt that. Why would anyone be bothered wasting their precious energy on something that was so short term when it couldn't survive the long term? You tell yourself that people will come and people will go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When the cover is closed, the characters would have told their story and someday you will start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. 

Sometimes you admire her realistic and practical approach to life as compared to your dreamy and forever optimistic outlook. Perhaps, that's why she is able to move on so fast with her life and not look back. Compared to her, you are still living in the past, trying to extricate yourself out of the abyss which you fell into, while putting on a brave front to the world that everything is fine. 

What you thought to be an extinct problem has resurfaced and made its presence felt. The agonising moments of stiffness coupled with tear-jerking pain makes you feel so "alive". It made you wished that you could had address the root cause when you were younger and not suffer the consequences now. 

Despite the doctor's orders to stay immobilised and rest as much as you can, you laugh at the irony of it. What is rest when a multitude of deadlines are staring at you in the face, screaming for your attention? You have been out of the exercise circuit for coming to 2 weeks and the fats are starting to roar with glee as their enemies (aka muscle) is being converted. You wished that you could be out at the gym or running or even swim laps. But alas, it's better to err on the safe side than to aggravate the pain.

You just hope that with a proper diet coupled with adequate treatment will resolve this painful episode and not degenerate into something more serious. Ok, enough of ranting. Time to head back to the wonderful world of school work.

As sleep deprived as you are, here you are, tapping away at the keyboard at an ungodly hour. 

Even though the burden of studies should be getting lighter as you complete and submit 2 written assignments in a span of 2 weeks, you don't feel that way. You are still trying to find that equilibrium, the best of both worlds. But the stark reality is, the best of both worlds doesn't exist. Trade-offs are something you have to live with as you seek that mystical equilibrium.

6 months on, the trade-offs are evident. Like what many has said; You win some, you some. Nothing in this world is perfect. Circumstances have forced you to trade away an intangible aspect of your life for something which is more tangible. For that tangible piece of certificate, you have exchanged away the intangible feelings of the what if's and why of a life with J.

Perhaps it's the universe's way of directing your focus to your own future instead of brooding over something which was not in your control. By throwing plenty of work challenges and mixing it in with school work, the universe is forcing you to change your trajectory to revolve around these two areas. 

But humans are a strange lot. Despite all the stress generated by these interventions, you are still taking it well. What you yearn for that intangible part; the emotional support that will spur you to greater heights and be the safety net to catch you when you fall. But whatever scraps of emotional support you do get is unfortunately different what you truly want. The emotional battery bank is no longer on a full charge like it was previously.

So has the trade-offs being worth it?

Through a prudent savings regime, you have cleared the first huddle of your journey towards financial independence by clearing the debt incurred in your flight training. Now the only remaining debt is that owed to the parents for the emergency funding incurred. 

After clearing one part of your debt, you have realised the importance of having liquidity and building up reserves. It has also made you VERY adverse to debts. A session with your FA has also allowed you to understand your past savings regime during your active service and how you could had improved it. Now that it's all in the past, it's time to look forward and forge ahead in your plan. If only you can also look forward in other aspects of your life, it would be great too.

Even though your previous lifestyle has been stymied by the reduction in income, it has served as an important wake-up call. Even your housing plan would have to be adjusted as you have to downgrade from the planned 4-roomer to a 3-roomer in order to increase your liquidity. But as mentioned earlier, its better to have more liquidity to maneuver than to suffocate in your finances.

Let's hope that your prudent savings coupled with an aggressive savings regime will reap dividends in the long run. 

Even though you often mention that one should live with the fact that life is unfair it's often easier said than done. You have never been able to walk the talk even with your purported words of wisdom. Perhaps you are just human after all.

When all you needed is some care and concern after a long day at work and school, all you get is words of sarcasm from the family. As usual, the initial rationale of being home-based has again been taken for granted. You keep wondering whether it's worth it, being home-based when the flying opportunities are aplenty out there.

It's as if you are the insurance policy taken out by the family to maintain the peace and harmony. You yearn to shift out of the confines, to spread your wings and soar like an eagle, but yet you are chained to the confines of the stand. No one will hears your screams of frustration for you are all alone by yourself.

You yearn for salvation, for someone to give you the care and concern, to appreciate you, and not treat you like an insurance option or to fill a missing void in their life. You just hope that the day whereby people mourn for you will not come so soon for it will already be too late when they realise that you are gone...

You continue to do your best to stay afloat, walking on a tight rope to balance between your studies, ever increasing work load, passion for photography and keeping to a regimented exercise routine. The going has been a tough one, one which is mentally exhausting, one which you keep asking yourself; Have you assumed wrongly on your capabilities? Are you pushing yourself too hard?

Many a time you feel like giving up as you trudged through the weekends and even public holidays catching up on the studies or writing that assignment. But yet the stubborn pride refuses to admit defeat. The phrase of a winner never quits and a quitter never wins keeps resonating in your head, pushing you through these difficult periods.

Given that your stress levels from all aspects of the life are lesser, you wonder whether J would be able to cope with the stress of the Masters program on top of her higher stress levels. But you know that J is a strong person who is able to switch from work-mode to study-mode to companion-mode in a pretty quick manner. You won't know that she is stressed out for she isn't obliged to tell you at all. 

Fortunately, she is in the capable hands of someone she can rely upon, one whom she can call upon to hold her fears at bay and wipe her tears of stress away. That amount of love she receives will be more than sufficient to keep her going during all the tough times that you know will soon come if she so decides to pursue her further education.

She will be fine and she is in good hands, you keep reminding yourself. She needs someone who is emotionally stronger and more financially secured so that she can set her mind at ease and pursue her dreams without worrying about anything, other than the stress of school. And she has foresight to do so. 

While this may sound boring and repetitive to many people, the truth is that you are still very much in love with her but she doesn't have to know this. This is the cyberspace where everyone is anonymous, where everybody can share their worries and fears without being judged or found out by anybody. This place has become your refuge as you continue this tough journey by yourself without dragging anyone in and creating any collateral damage. 

A meet up with an old friend who just came back from China after a long posting this evening started to revolve around the topic of Regrets. While you will not divulge your friend's little secret, it resembled what you went through and got you mightily worked up.

While your friend mentioned that it's something that she would have to live with, you pondered whether it's necessary? 

Why can't one take the leap of faith, try it out instead of tormenting oneself with the regrets?

Why do one often let the fear of "What if" bring you down the road of "If only" when the possibility of "Why not" appears?

Sometimes, if you don't take the leap of faith, you won't know the outcome.

You are the type who follow your heart and get it done instead of wallowing in self-regret. Perhaps you have been too fast to jump to conclusions without understanding the true story behind their actions. But caring is your curse. If you don’t care, you can’t get hurt. But if you didn’t care, the world would be a dark place to live. You have dealt with it and realize life isn’t fair. The only thing that makes life unfair is the delusion that it should be fair.

But after what you have went through, you have no pity for those who don't dare to take the leap of faith and yet complain about regrets in the aftermath. That's why your friend got a big earful from you as you do not wish the same thing to happen to your friend.  

Life is always unpredictable and that's how our ancestors have survived for countless millennium for it has sharpened their instincts. When life gets too predictable, one gets too comfortable in their own zone and they get upset when its off-balance.  As Jon Livingston Seagull once mentioned;  "boredom and fear and anger are the reasons that a gull’s life is so short"

So why live in a life which is predictable and boring only to wonder whether it could had been better to live in a life which is unpredictable yet full of joy and laughter?

   

Do not fall in love with people like me. 

I will take you to museums and parks and monuments and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. 

I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. 

And when I leave, you will finally understand why storms are named after people.