Sleeping has become difficult as the brain goes into overdrive mode in preparation for the exams. You resort to having a glass of wine to make you sleep better, but it doesn't help for the stress remains.

It gets more frustrating when you discover both the lecture slides and study guide are not coherent. It results in plenty of time wasted as you try to sense-make and bring structure to the chaos. But you realize that you are not alone in this struggle. 

Through the group chats, you discovered that your classmates were also facing the same challenges as you. So through the power of many (and technology), all of you managed to help each other by sharing information and discussing about the potential exam questions. Despite all these help, it reached a point where you really felt like tearing up the lecture slides and notes. 

It's that point when you yearn for a tight hug and comforting words; one assuring you that everything is going to be alright; that you just have to do the best. In the absence of all these, you resort to exercising to release that pent-up frustration. That exertion from the pumping of iron felt good but it's still not good enough. Perhaps you should start running again and seek that zen which calms you down.

It's never easy but you know that through the will to succeed, you know that you would be able to do more than the extra-ordinary. 

It seems as if Father Time has accelerated the clock these days. In a blink of an eye, exams are around the corner and you have barely internalized all the teachings of the masters.

Despite making use of the commuting time to study and prior to commencement of work, your discipline is waning. You even went to the extent of making an effort to wake up an hour earlier to study, only to switch off the clock and going back to sleep.

You will do what you can and to the best of your abilities, amid the heavy workload.

The Best Is Yet To Be..  

When someone is sick and yet still meet up with you, how would that make you feel?

With the birthday getting closer, its apt that you take stock of the hits and misses. As you write this, you wonder how one can get so clinical about the life. It's akin to a workplan review whereby one analyzes what went well and what could had been done better in their life.

Is it necessary? What happened to the once carefree, risk-taking, always positive and smiling person which everyone say you have been? These days, you have been observed to be more measured and guarded in your interactions with people, extremely critical and more emotional sentimental and quiet these days. Friends who are extremely close to you have commented that they are worried about this change in you.

Indeed, you have been hiding behind a mask of impenetrable armour to protect your vulnerabilities from everyone. While it's granted that there have been times that the real you emerges behind the mask triggering a lot of concerned calls from close friends, most of the time you have hid yourself pretty well. In fact, its only through writing where you are free of the heavy armour, where the anonymity of cyberspace allows you to pen your thoughts without making anyone worried.

After writing so much, you have not gone into an actual analysis of the hits and misses. To start off, you headed back to school after a span of close to 10 years to upgrade your skills and to remain relevant to the volatile work environment. While this has not been the desired job which you want (Flying still remains as a high priority), at least you know that in the event the flying career doesn't take off, you are assured of a skill-set.

On the financial front, you are starting to feel more financially secured and have been scrutinizing every expenditure. In addition, you have enforced a prudent lifestyle through aggressive savings and investment plan to build up sufficient resources for the implementation of Phase 1 action plan: Purchase of your own house.  It's not easy but you are proud to say that everything is on track.

How about misses then?

There have been many misses and regrets which have happened over these 2 years. You are still trying to come to terms with it. Sometimes you just have to hard-wire yourself that you belong to the annals as memories. You have to stop blaming yourself for not giving the assurance needed to be the game-changer, to enable that giant leap of faith to be taken.

Moving on to the more happy thoughts of how you would want your birthday to be like. You ask for nothing more than spending time with someone whom you love dearly, to spend the day in each other's arms reading books, cracking insider jokes, having dinner at a place with a view, chatting about life and cuddling together as both of you carry on the conversation in dreamland.

Happy birthday to you..  

  

You met up with your classmate over a short supper and had a dissected debrief over the failed interview attempt (http://mybigblueworld.blogspot.com/2015/08/reflections-of-interview.html)

Simply put, your lack of preparations were the main reason why you failed big time. When the interview questions were drilled down to the key make-or-break ones, there were only two;

Question: What differentiates you from the rest of candidates?

Answer: Compared to the rest of the pilots, you did not have the opportunity to be accepted into military flying school and obtaining their hours while being paid for it. You had to support your passion of flight through hard work by saving up for 10 years before realising the dream. At your age sitting down at this interview, you are just hoping for that opportunity to pursue this dream.

Question: What makes a good pilot?

Answer: A good pilot is a leader, a team player and a learner. As a leader, he has to be pro-active and be determined in his actions. He needs to be pro-active in finding problems and pre-empt them before it becomes catastrophic. As a team player, the pilot needs to be able to assist the Captain and work together as a team to resolve any problems which may occur. As a learner, he has to have the constant thirst for knowledge, be willing to learn new technologies and techniques.

These are what you should had answer but you didn't prepare thoroughly. You just hope that you would be given that opportunity again. And this time you will make it.

It marks the end of the 20s and the transition to the big 3. You wonder what her thoughts would be as she look back the past 10 years and whether she would have any regrets. As she transits to this new milestone, what would her plans be for the next 10 years?

Beyond these serious thoughts, would she be enjoying any lighter moments today? Would there be any surprises planned out for her? Something romantic like candle-lit birthday celebration as the clock strikes 12? Or she has already been whisked off on a surprised stay-cation all planned out by him?

It was something you have had in mind since last year: How to make the transition to the big 3 special yet less intimidating. The birthday celebration would be all about her. A 2D1N stay-cation starting with a soothing bubble bath to wash off the tensions of life. You would cuddle her to sleep before surprising her a dinner with a view. Then you would while the night away chatting about life over a glass of wine.

Oh well, you can't do that for her, can you? Hopefully, this scenario would still happen for her. Happy birthday.   

Despite hitting the bed early, you don't feel rested these day. Perhaps its due to the build-up of stress as the day of reckoning draws nearer. You follow the daily vitamin C routine religiously to boost the immune system and drink plenty of water to hydrate yourself amid the changing weather season.

Whatever time you have is utilized for revisions; be it reading selected papers on the Kindle or watching recommended Youtube videos which are "recommended" by the lecturers. You have even started sound-recording of the lecture for playback purpose.

As the clock ticks away, you are cognizant of the need to build in a structured study routine to prepare for the exams. Given the heavy workload, its a constant challenge trying to force yourself to revise at home after work. It doesn't help that the home is never a conducive environment and your preference is the school library where the peace and quiet allows you to focus.

Time to hunker down further to study and find means to be more efficient and effective.

There are days when you feel the entire world seems to be against you. You feel tired and angsty where a spark can set off a raging wildfire. You feel alone in your fight as you face the looming exam clouds over the horizon.

While you portray a strength of self-confidence (you are a super star, remember?) to people around you, beneath that fragile mask lies someone who is worried. Where there used to be emotional and physical support to power you down the runway into the wild blue yonder, you just pray for strength to keep you centered on the runway.

Focus is what you need to prevent yourself from veering off the course you have set for yourself. For this journey is a lonely one where you can only depend on yourself to navigate among the obstacles and looming exam clouds.

  

When you feel that your physical presence may somehow provide a sense of calm, you would do whatever it takes to be there. Yet Fate challenges you by throwing you into situations which you hate. For instance, when you are rushing to school for classes and to provide moral support to the special someone, it creates traffic snarls within the school's vicinity which takes a better part of 10 minutes. As you navigate the crowds heading towards the exam hall, your optical sensors goes into active scanning, looking for a specific target.

Mission fail. 

You wait for the exams to end, hoping to know how it turned out, wanting to provide the comfort when the situation calls for it. But nothing happens for time and space has made it impossible. Perhaps you have been living in your own world of self-illusion. That you have been bluffing yourself for thinking that you are needed more than you are really needed. 

  

It irks you to see people getting fixated on their lifestyle devices these days. People seems to be more connected to whats happening around the world yet disconnected from the on-goings around them.   

You see people engrossed in make-believe dramas played out in their tablets, oblivious to the real-life happenings around them as they commuted. Then there are those who multi-task by texting on their mobile phones as they walk among the throngs of people.

Its made even worst when they stop dead in their tracks amidst the throngs of people exiting the trains, stations on their way to their destination, engrossed in their little mobile world.You have seen near-misses happening during your daily commute as the human traffic maneuvered to avoid them.

You just wished that people around you could disconnect in order to connect. To spend time connecting in person instead of via technology.   

The month of November has traditionally been the season whereby you slowly transit into the festive season. But this time round, you have to contend with the exam season, which can demoralising. With your first paper about 25 days away, you are still procrastinating away without a care in the world. 

You meet up with friends over dinner and drinks to catch up on old times and build up networks. It's always interesting to catch up with your friends as you gain new insights on the geo-political affairs, gossips on organisation life, etc. While it's at the expense of study time, its still worthwhile to understand the environment around you.

Despite all the fun and laughter, you are still cognisant of the need to study and keep yourself fit. Weekends are now reserved for studies and exercise regime with a progressive build-up closer to the exam dates. The library at the alma mater will become your refuge as you spend days and nights preparing for the exams. You wonder how J is coping with her exam preparations.Given that J's exam season is somewhat similar to yours, you wished that both of you could study together and spur each other on.

But you know that its not possible. Why would she bother to study together with you in the library when she has the comfort of her own home to study in? Why would she need you to spur her on when he is by her side, giving her the emotional and physical support to carry on? But no matter what,  she is included into your prayers as you sought the blessings of the power-to-be for a smooth sailing exams with no surprises.

With her birthday approaching next week, you also wished you could celebrate for her in a big way, given that she is entering the next decade of her life. You hope that her birthday this year would be a memorable one for her because that's how you would had planned it. You did envisaged one year ago of celebrating each other's birthdays together at an overseas location, to chill and relax from the stresses of work.

Instead this year, you are going to celebrate your birthday on your own directly after exams by going on a trip; to relax, to recharge and to re-calibrate. While you wished you could celebrate together, its not possible for she would rather be happy to go off celebrating with him instead.

Enough of all these. Time to focus yourself for the big exam battle ahead.

The stiff and aching muscles from the annual physical fitness assessment is a stark reminder that you are still alive. But it's also a indication of how far your muscles have atrophied from a lack of exercise. 

As you started the warm-up, the ever present pain at the lower back sought to remind you that you better take it easy. You feared that you might drop out from the assessment and come back for another round. But as you went through the static stations, you felt that you should be able to clear them and it gave you the confidence to continue on. But the lack of training was evident. If you had spent more time working on the upper body and abdominal strength, you would be able to do more.

Moving on to the run. You were glad to have made the right choice in taking the assessment on a weekend morning and at the right FCC for indoor running is much more cooler. The cool environment made it easier to focus on your breathing. Towards the end of the 4th of the 6 round circuit, you felt yourself slowing down.

But you kept going on, spurred by that inner voice and familiar voice of J. That gave you the energy to keep pushing on and you completed the run. Even though the timing was far better than what you have expected, it could had been better.

Its time to get yourself back into a fitter and leaner shape, hope.Well, till the next window opens.