I was having a chat with a former Fire Unit commander from my military service days. He was asking me whether I had any regrets leaving the Service. 

I do not have any regrets leaving the Service to pursue my dream of flying for it has always been something I have wanted to do for my whole life. Now that the dream has been fulfilled, I can tell myself that I can live without any regrets. Or can I?

Actually, the only regret I have was not being able to maintain my relationship with J. The pursuit of this dream has been at a great sacrifice to us. Till now, I always ask myself how I could have done better at maintaining our relationship.

Be it running at the paths that we always run or the exercising at the gym with swimming at the local officer's club, all these places bring plenty of memories; memories of us training and teasing each other on to our personal best. Even when I was at Botanic Gardens with the family today, I wished she was there with me as we enjoy the fresh air over a cuppa and breakfast. 

Alas, it's no longer possible. All these are already a figment of the past and just a fantasy now. The past which could had been the present and also the future...a union all ruined because of my lack of care and concern for her. The lack of assurance from me..

Now, I can only look back and smile while silently wishing her the best as she prepares to embark on the journey with him, a choice which she is happy with. 

You are the first person whom I want to see when I open my eyes every morning..

Your happiness is my happiness for its double the joy..

Your unhappiness is my unhappiness for I will share your woes..

I love you J...

I am happy that J has gone across the "river" for a short trip with him and to his home to meet the family. It has always been a routine for her even when we were together during long weekends. Despite not explicitly mentioning that she was going to his place, both of us know. 

Even though we are no longer together, tinge of jealousy still strikes me when she told me that. A lot of people will tell me not to 执著 anymore and to look forward, but I can't help it. I still love her and she has acknowledged that. When you love someone, you just want her to be happy and I have chosen to love her despite the fact she has made her safe bet. While we often to fight for what we love and believe in, there are times which you have to let someone go. If it's meant to be yours, it will be yours someday for Fate always will have a way to bring two people back together.

I hope she will enjoy her trip up North for she really deserve this break after all the stress at work which has plagued her for the entire week. Have a good break darling...

J is feeling drained and demoralised from her heavy workload. I wished I could do something, anything for her. If we were still together, I would had booked either at the new W hotel in Sentosa Cove, Mandarin Orchard Suites or the hotel at Changi Village for a weekend staycation. 

Even though it may not be the preferred overseas getaway, a staycation with a sea view would at least made her forget the stress she has been feeling. Sadly, my current finances won't allow for this. Hopefully, the bf would be able to pick up the signs and do something about it since his financial situation is way better than mine.

As for me, the next best thing I can do is to be there for her when she needs me, to accompany her through this difficult with my encouragement.  

After all the training mismanagement, frustrations, constant doubts and near misses, I have finally completed all my training with a rating to fly the Airbus A320. With this chapter behind me, its now time to start a new chapter.

While it feels good to be home, I cannot afford to take any breather as time is money. Every minute spent not earning money means an additional strain on the finances. The money is slowly draining away even as I write this entry. While the process of sending electronic job applications and drafting of resume has already started upon my return, I wonder how long I can survive. I have set myself a deadline; If I don't hear anything within two months, it's time to look for alternative jobs in the aviation sector.

May the force be with me...

I am exhausted. The red-eyed simulator timings have really taken a toll on my body clock with the clock alternating between Singapore and US time. 

Even though I am scheduled for the checkride on 17 Jul 2014 (16 Jul 2014 US date), I don't think I will ever finish completing studying all the notes before going in for the checkride. As I look through the overhead panel on the lights and switches, I was trying to piece everything together in my semi-awake state. I slept for 5 hours after I got back from the simulator session this morning, made breakfast and studied for 2 hours before falling asleep for another hour. 

Time is not enough and is slowly running out as we speak. I want to continue studying but it seems as if a barrier has been erected to keep out the info. I keep falling asleep as I go through the question bank. For the simulator flying, I think I should be ok as it's done as a crew and if I have a good FO to back me up.

Tonight is the last night of simulator training and I will head off for the last exam of my training path. Let's hope that all will go well. Pray for me too.

The conversion training on the Airbus A320 has been so intense that I have not been able to get any proper rest. With a punishing schedule of 6 hours in the simulator (alternating between PF and PNF, pilot jargon for Pilot Flying and Pilot Non Flying) coupled with study time up to 10 hours a day, I have basically no life and not enough sleep.

It's tough going but it will be over by next week once I clear the scheduled checkride. The priority in order of importance these days has been; Simulator, Study, Sleep with eating being the least of the priority. If given the choice between sleep and eating, I will just sleep as I am totally exhausted. But no matter how exhausted I am, I am still making time to check on J as I know that she is also equally burnt out. 

Even though we are no longer together, I am still worried about her as she tends to push herself hard and there ain't much of an outlet for her to vent her frustrations or provide a listening ear. I hope that the bf is doing what he is supposed to do to take care of her well being. As much as I wouldn't like to compare myself with him, I would definitely pick her up after work, give her a big hug to take all the stress away, plan a surprise getaway or even a staycation to let her recharge her batteries.

But I am not him.

Well, there's alot which I wish I can do to alleviate her stress. Let me see what I can do.